[Jennibella]

I am a deflated version of my former self. The hypomanic state I used to rely on has been medicated out of me with Olanzapine, topomax, and Cloazepam. Where there was once supreme confidence, now anxiety rules. Each day I struggle just to get kids off to school and myself to work without a paralyzing panic attack. But I am not manic. I don't self medicate with alcohol or coke. I don't spend money I don't have, or behave like a porn star, or lie. I have given up feeling invincible, managed to keep my job. I rely on my husband to reassure me that everything is allright. This must be a mistake? He is trapped in this disease with me. The confident, sexy, over-the-top, take charge woman he knew is shattered, left to rebuild everything on a foundation of pills and pdoc promises. He doesn't love me this way. He is my soul mate and he doesn't love me unless I'm sick.

[pawn78]

If you feel awful and have anxiety problems, then the prescription the pdoc gave you isn't working. Tell the pdoc your exact issues and problems, and if he doesn't budge, then get a new Doctor!

[~Christina]

If you feel snowed under on your meds then your Pdoc needs to help you find meds that allow you lead a productive life.

Do you have a therapist ? That could help you work through issues and couples counseling for you and your husband .

Good luck

[Jennibella]

My anxiety is largely a result of learning how to deal with, and forgive myself for, the things I've done while manic. My mania is so dangerous I am terrified to change meds that are effectively controlling it. My anxiety is then made infinitely worse by the yelling and screaming I endure for being "negative" when the problems are in my head. I will talk to my doctor. I am just terrified that this man I love so much loves the part of me that is sick. It is already extremely difficult for me to continue taking medication that makes me lose my confidence.

[Otter63]

I wish I had something helpful for you. I can totally understand your frustration though.

It's so ridiculous to have a disease where the symptoms include: confidence, having energy, feeling good etc. It's completely backwards and screwy!!

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[Jennibella]

It sounds terribly counterproductive, but I have resolved to just fake my way through this. Behave perfectly. If I can do it at work, I can put on that face at home. My family deserves at least some version of my former self that resembles happiness and security. I am just so tired.

[Mrs. Mania]

I also struggle with missing mania. I have a love/hate relationship with my mania, it would be all love if I just got sleep. It's hard to not be on top of the world, but that anxiety you feel is change. Change can be scary, but also exhilarating, try to ride it out. Super women's still in there, she's just getting tamed a little!

[r010159]

Have doctor change your meds. IMO do not go by your feelings on any decision. Listen to what the logical side of your brain is telling you. Wait to see your doctor about this. Hang in there.

[Victoria'smom]

Anxious and unhappy is not how your suppose to live your life. You need to be in therapy to help you forgive yourself and catch you faster when you cycle. I know your petrified of being manic but under medical care it can be caught faster. Your in no way healthy in this way. Did your husband tell you he's not happy like this.

[Jennibella]

My husband is definitely not happy like this. He has exploded 3 times in a little over a week. My anxiousness, even hinting at it, is ruining his day. His anger makes me even more anxious, and then I start questioning if I am capable of doing anything right at all.

[FaithlessCat]

Even if your anxiety is down to guilt or dealing with your past you should still talk to your pdoc about treating it. I almost get the feeling that you are punishing yourself. ? You are not stable right now and you need to be to finally find yourself again. Personally i am on one med to stop the lows and another for the highs. I admit i miss the highs. I miss getting everything done. But i certainly don't miss the lows !

[doglover1979]

I noticed that the meds you are on are relatively low doses. Are you newly diagnosed or starting new treatment?

I understand how you feel, the change of getting better can be scary and your emotions can be really raw. I remember the first time I sought treatment I felt like I had no skin. It was terrible, and I dumped my treatment in favor drinking and being crazy. I eventually dropped the booze, but I was still crazy, and sometimes it felt good to be that way.

The thing with manic confidence is that its not lasting. Medicated or not, it always goes away. You can build your life back better with treatment. A strong, healthy you is in there.

[thickntired]

I am also disconnected from my husband because I got better. I quit drugs and got off abilify which ended my manic spending. I gained weight on seroquel so I'm not having sex with him because I'm self conscious and sober. I got off anti psychotics after a year of heavy exercise and dieting kept me obese. So, now I'm losing weight and have healthy habits that don't include going to bars, smoking cigarettes or acting like an imbecile. He used to say I was more like his child than his wife and I'm younger. I did have to go on disability so I don't have the same income to contribute. I think we are just both really new at this relationship. I'm not the same wife. When we married I was a hot mess. I was actually drunk and manic during our vows lol. I think he feels insecure because I've improved my lifestyle. I hate the fact that he is smoking and drinking. Granted I was doing illegal drugs, but none of them are healthy. Also, I really don't want to spend my life as his nurse if he gets emphysema or cirrhosis. Both of which are very likely as he is 11 yrs older and a life long user. And I love and care about him. I don't enjoy watching people I love kill themselves, but chances are he'll never quit. I barely did.

[lilypup]

My husband was my caregiver during a recent two year depressive cycle. I get lost when I get hypomanic. He sometimes laughs if I jump around the room when manic.He wants to make all the decisions like he did when I was depressed. He's bossy. It's hard to go from caregiver to partner.

[lilypup]

going from caregiver to partner is incredibly hard. My previously kind marriage has endured lots of stress because of this.

[swheaton]

I know this is tough, but this isn't all about you, it your spouse too. I doubt your husband hates you. He sounds like he has some things to overcome. You need to focus on being healthy.

[foreverbp]

My husband has been my caregiver for many years. I know I'm not the same person he married, but he has stuck with me through thick and thin. I would talk with him about how you're feeling and let him know you need some help and reassurance.