[lilypup]

Boy, right when I was doing a lot better I got hit again. I'm sure a lot of you have dealt with something like this.
I had a very best friend for five years. We were like sisters and we traveled together often. (She lives in another state.) At the end of that five years, I went incredibly manic and she broke off our friendship for three years. Now she is back and says that we are best friends again. My husband and I visited them for a week and they came over here for a week. So all seemed well
.
The problem is that I miss her all the time. My heart really hurts to see and talk to her. I have no idea why I am so fixated on her to fill me up emotionally. I have many friends and supportive family right here. I have good doctors, a support group in real life and of course, all of you on here.

Today I texted her and asked her if we could set a date for us to get together again, either with our husbands or not.This would give me something to look forward to. She replied that she was way too busy to schedule anything now. (Neither of us work.) She also told me that I need to get busier and she cannot fill the void I have. We text almost every day briefly and talk maybe once a week.

If I am objective, I think she does want to be best friends, but she is very busy with her own life and doesn't have time for me to be clingy or needy or too depressed. I know for my own part she is really triggering me. I am sitting here crying when I have not for over a week. I've got to come out of this depression and quit needing her.

I thought it might be a good idea to stop texting her and just to break contact for a while. That would let her see that I can live my own life and give me a break from her saying triggering comments.

How do you break the cycle of contacting a friend like this? It's hard to have willpower when you are down. I try and try to only be positive and not needy when I text her but it isn't working.

Please don't tell me to get busier. I am doing a LOT of stuff right now for the level of depression that I have. If I put any more on my plate I will break down again and have to start lying to ppl about why I can't do things. I don't want to go down that road again.

I have a t but don't see her for a week. I was hoping you could give me some tips on standing on my own two feet and quit being so needy.

Love to all of you. Lily

[pawn78]

Let her go. Find another friend, if you need one. Friendship is a two-way street, and it sounds like she doesn't really want it.

[kaliope]

so what worked for you in the three years you didn't have her? go back to that. you talk about your strong support system outside of her, lean on them. and you always have here to rant and rave. if you want it more personal, you can pm me and be as needy as you need to be..lol. take care..

[lilypup]

Thanks Pawn. I don't need other friends, I have plenty now. Maybe you are right and I should just let it dwindle off. i was just so glad when she came back after the mania. I have lost so many friends due to that.

[lilypup]

Kalliope,
After she broke it off last time due to my mania, I plunged and had to go in the hospital. It took me a long time to get over her. I tried many times to contact her but she ignored me. After I felt better I just pulled myself together and went out and found some new friends. I also rekindled relationships with friends I had lost contact with. That's what I did during those years we were apart. Thanks for offering to let me pm you....and be needy lol...I just can't stop crying. I know most of this is depression.

[Skitz13]

I think you're right. It probably is a lot of depression but I understand what you're saying. I was in the same situation a year ago.

I was depressed at the time and losing the friendship really sent me off the edge. We were friends for 34 years but she just couldn't handle the craziness of the BP.

One day she was texting me then she just stopped and wouldn't reply to my texts or answer her phone. Never did find out what the deal was.

Slowly the depression started to lift, I was busy with therapy, groups and trying to put my life back together.

I won't lie, It still hurts to this day and I think of it everyday but life has to go on. I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason then they leave. There's a lesson here to be learned, you just have to figure out what that is.

I also wanted to say that you need to prove to yourself that you can manage without her not the other way around.

It really sucks but that's life I guess. I have no words of wisdom really, I still hurt.

[Secretum]

I hope that it is not rude of me to suggest this, but is it possible that you have a lesbian crush on your friend? Needing and craving her presence so strongly seems to hint at something more than "just" friendship.

Regardless of how strongly you love her, it is not healthy to have social needs that only one person can meet. I've been there before. I've also lost friends due to acting "crazy"; what I've realized is that those people weren't very nice people to begin with, and I am better off without them.

[pawn78]

I avoid people who are triggering to me...entirely if I can.

[lilypup]

Secretum,

I don't think I have a lesbian crush on her, and no that didn't insult me. Different from that, I had no mother and she is/was incredibly nurturing. I think this is a big part of this.

[lilypup]

Well, I think I'll just see if I can make it through tonight without contacting her. I thought about texting her with some big grand announcement like "YOU ARE TRIGGERING ME AND MAKING ME SAD AND LONELY AND i AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU FOR A WHILE"but then that seems pretty ridiculous and sort of dramatic. I think I'll just stop all contact, give it a few days, and see how I feel.

[nummy]

Are you able to be friends with her, on any level? Seems cutting off contact with her is drastic. Did she do anything to actually hurt you? If not, can you just reduce her to "friendly acquaintance" status?

If you think she is being passive/aggressive and ignoring you, by all means end the friendship.

Although honestly, I may not be being fair to you. If it's all or nothing for you, then err on the side that's best for YOU. I have friends who triggered, they are passive aggressive and cruel, predators really, and stupidly I tried to salvage the friendships for 3 futile years because I thought --and they said--something was wrong with me.

Friends--real friends--are there when you need them, and not just in bits n pieces.

[lilypup]

Nummy, thanks for your post. No, she hasn't actually done anything to me. The problem, however, is that when she says she is busy to talk or make plans, I start crying. (Not in front of her of course). So I need to protect myself against this no matter what my reason for being upset. It really hurt today when she said I needed to get busier and that she could not fill up the "void" I have.
When we were best friends before my mania, we talked constantly and did everything together. I had almost no other active friends. When she broke it off with me I went out and developed a new set of friends. I still am very aggressive about seeing and keeping up with all of these other friends. So it's not as though I have nothing to do. Plus, I am starting to exercise and do all sorts of things. I went out on disability a few months ago and have had to work hard to fill up my days in a productive manner that does not trigger me to feel overwhelmed.

I really like how you said that friends are there when you need them, not just in bits and pieces.

[littlemiss44]

I.had a very similar thing happen to me a few years ago. I was very best friends with her and we talked daily. We had been best buddies for 5 or 6 years. It was actually the reverse of what yr experiencing. I do have bp and so does she. One day out of the blue she said she didn't want to be friends anymore...it's a part of her illness that makes her not want to have contact. It devastated me. I cried for days. Then a year later she texted me and asked if we could be friends again...she apologized and we worked it out. We talked alot about why she had felt that way before, how I can be supportive etc. I understand her alot better now. Even tho we worked it out I still have a little fear it could happen again. You deserve to have a friend who is there for you no matter what. I'm so sorry she's pulling away from you. You deserve acceptance and love. Keep up with yr other friends...they need you like you need them. Believe me I know how much yr hurting. I wish I had magic words to help you feel better. Please feel free to pm me anytime ok? I'd be happy to be there for you. Take care...hugs