[Serra27]

Why do I constantly just push my significant other away? What is wrong with me? I cannot even believe he is still with me and puts up with me and how I am, and still says he loves me, and that we will get though this, But I fear, there is nothing to get through. I don't know how to recover trust issues, and my mood swings are semi-controllable from the meds, but they still happen sometimes, and I treat him terribly when my mood shifts from happy to angry to sad. Why do I push him away? I think I feel I deserve to be alone, and that I am safer, better off that way, and won't hurt anyone that way. I love him so much though; but it pains me that I am slowly killing his happiness. I don't know, I am at the point, he deserves better, and I don't know, maybe it's best I am alone, with our 3 children. Alone. Felt that way my whole life; I am sure a lot of you out there can relate...

The sad part is he is the sweetest guy I know. He truly has a good heart.

[BeachLyfe]

I feel the same way sometimes. My husband is seriously almost superhuman to have dealt with me (mostly unmedicated, or medicated improperly) these past 21 years. I honestly don't know how he's done it.

But I think many of us do carry that guilt around - how could we not? We know we are awful sometimes, and even though we literally can't help it, it still feels crappy anyway. I tell myself that I must make up for it somehow, because he's still here. I think that's what keeps me personally from drowning in guilt.

[wachiki92]

I completely understand. my bf has stuck by my side through these 2 years. I've pushed him away and he just sticks by me. I've said many times he deserves so much better than me. he is such an amazing guy. I do the same thing with friends too. I stay to myself and push them away. I think part if it is not wanting to hurt them but also not wanting to hurt myself in the case that they end up leaving ne in the end. sometimes I just feel like a danger to society or something. but I'm so thankful for my bf and for my close friends that have stuck by me.

[Blitter2014]

I hear what you are saying. My wife deserves a medal for the things she puts up with!

I know when I am feeling vunerable, angry or otherwise under stress I tend to push my wife away. I think for me it is a form of self preservation. I know that I am feeling as though no one could possible love me or no one will be able to put up with me so I better push everyone away before they push me away. That way I stay in control. And its that control that I think drives everything.

Usually when things around me are not going well or I am overwhelmed, I get stressed, really stressed. That stress leads to a feeling of loss of control, and I tend to micromanage in ever diminishing circles. If I cannot control the world, or things in my world, I need to control things closer to home. So I try to control those around me, relationships, my personal space. That usually leads to those around me getting annoyed with me, as I become needy. I then feed off that thinking that I need to control their reactions, and if they are going to get upset with me then I am going to push them away before they push me away.

Having written that down, it sounds so stupid, yet I do this on almost a daily basis. Fortunately for me, my wife understands me, and to a large extent just goes along with it. For me, I seem unable to stop it from happening, even being aware of what I am doing, yet I am so scared of being left alone or being abandon that I must push the other person away before they push me away.

I have not figured out how to stop it, nor how to control it, but I do know that my wife loves me despite of it. I guess that is what loving someone warts and all is all about.

Hang in there, give yourself a break, and remember to show your appreciation to your partner when you feel you can. hugs

[Serra27]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

I hear what you are saying. My wife deserves a medal for the things she puts up with!

I know when I am feeling vunerable, angry or otherwise under stress I tend to push my wife away. I think for me it is a form of self preservation. I know that I am feeling as though no one could possible love me or no one will be able to put up with me so I better push everyone away before they push me away. That way I stay in control. And its that control that I think drives everything.

Usually when things around me are not going well or I am overwhelmed, I get stressed, really stressed. That stress leads to a feeling of loss of control, and I tend to micromanage in ever diminishing circles. If I cannot control the world, or things in my world, I need to control things closer to home. So I try to control those around me, relationships, my personal space. That usually leads to those around me getting annoyed with me, as I become needy. I then feed off that thinking that I need to control their reactions, and if they are going to get upset with me then I am going to push them away before they push me away.

Having written that down, it sounds so stupid, yet I do this on almost a daily basis. Fortunately for me, my wife understands me, and to a large extent just goes along with it. For me, I seem unable to stop it from happening, even being aware of what I am doing, yet I am so scared of being left alone or being abandon that I must push the other person away before they push me away.

I have not figured out how to stop it, nor how to control it, but I do know that my wife loves me despite of it. I guess that is what loving someone warts and all is all about.

Hang in there, give yourself a break, and remember to show your appreciation to your partner when you feel you can. hugs

You literally described better than I ever have been able to, exactly how I feel and am with my significant other and those close to me. I have never been able to put it into words like that before; thank you so much, more than you know, I appreciate so much you opening up about that. If you do not mind, I am going to share this with him so he maybe, even a little, better understands me. Thank you again, and take care, both you and your wife : )

[Standup2me]

I agree with Serra, I am on husband #5 now....so... I really know what you mean!!