[Wander]

I was hospitalized for deep depression yesterday and if I don't improve with med changes over the next few days it has been suggested I have ECT again. I'm confused as I had ECT in June and it seemed to work really well and now I'm back in the darkness. I thought ECT was supposed to last longer than that. I'm full of despair and hopelessness and believe I will never get better. This is making me more suicidal, like escape from hospital suicidal. It is truly awful. I cannot see any way out now the ECT only gave me a decent two months. What else is there for me to hope for. I have had a lot of treatment and always end up back here.

[TheOriginalMe]

How long the effects of ECT last varies considerably. Some people benefit from having regular top-ups perhaps indefinitely. The top-up might be once a fortnight or maybe once a month. The ECT worked for you once and it can work again, once you are feeling better you will need to figure out with your pdoc how to stay better and whether top-up sessions of ECT are what you need.

Good luck and take care.

[Wander]

Thanks theoriginalme! You have good advice. Maybe I just need a top up. Still this feels like no way to live and although I know that's the depression talking but I believe it right now. All hope is gone

[StayinAlive]

I don't have any answers, but I care what happens to you.

Hang in there.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by StayinAlive

I don't have any answers, but I care what happens to you.

Hang in there.

Thankyou so much. Really means a lot to me

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by Wander

I was hospitalized for deep depression yesterday and if I don't improve with med changes over the next few days it has been suggested I have ECT again. I'm confused as I had ECT in June and it seemed to work really well and now I'm back in the darkness. I thought ECT was supposed to last longer than that. I'm full of despair and hopelessness and believe I will never get better. This is making me more suicidal, like escape from hospital suicidal. It is truly awful. I cannot see any way out now the ECT only gave me a decent two months. What else is there for me to hope for. I have had a lot of treatment and always end up back here.

Hey so sorry to hear! I don't know much about ECT, but that it didn't work for my treatment bipolar depression at all, and hurt my short term memory. But, I'd just try it again, and see how it goes, since two decent months is better than none. Other things you might consider is switching from Prozac to an SNRI like Cymbalta since they hardly poop out, and increasing your Lamictal to about 500-600mg since at that dosage it works like an AD. Also, get your thyroid, vitamin D, vitamin B, and Lithium levels checked if you haven't already. Hope that helps a bit, and that you feel better!

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by Wander

I was hospitalized for deep depression yesterday and if I don't improve with med changes over the next few days it has been suggested I have ECT again. I'm confused as I had ECT in June and it seemed to work really well and now I'm back in the darkness. I thought ECT was supposed to last longer than that. I'm full of despair and hopelessness and believe I will never get better. This is making me more suicidal, like escape from hospital suicidal. It is truly awful. I cannot see any way out now the ECT only gave me a decent two months. What else is there for me to hope for. I have had a lot of treatment and always end up back here.

Another couple of things that help my SNRI AD, is that Buspar helps augment it, and so does 1000mg of L-Tyrosine.

[Wander]

Vans94, thanks for your advice and support. I suppose two months feeling better (although I was still mildly rapid cycling during that time) is worth the ECT but I am getting tired of it all. My doctor doesn't want to switch ADs and I'm on a really low dose anyway as high doses hype me up. Lamictal is being increased slowly and blood work is being done. Haven't heard of buspar or tried L-tyrosine(an amino acid right??).

I just want to be lifted out of this darkness and despair. Why fight so damn hard to get better only to fall down in a hole so soon again and suffer so much. I have no hope that I will be able to function well enough to have an enjoyable carreer, enjoy my loved ones and life in general. The lights have gone out. I haven't given up fighting. I never will but at times the suicidal urges take over me and I struggle to keep myself safe.

[lilypup]

I have been in that deep despair and understand well. Am thinking of you. Keep safe.

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by Wander

Vans94, thanks for your advice and support. I suppose two months feeling better (although I was still mildly rapid cycling during that time) is worth the ECT but I am getting tired of it all. My doctor doesn't want to switch ADs and I'm on a really low dose anyway as high doses hype me up. Lamictal is being increased slowly and blood work is being done. Haven't heard of buspar or tried L-tyrosine(an amino acid right??).

I just want to be lifted out of this darkness and despair. Why fight so damn hard to get better only to fall down in a hole so soon again and suffer so much. I have no hope that I will be able to function well enough to have an enjoyable carreer, enjoy my loved ones and life in general. The lights have gone out. I haven't given up fighting. I never will but at times the suicidal urges take over me and I struggle to keep myself safe.

Buspar is an anti anxiety med, and yes L-Tyrosine is an amino! I forgot, I take a nutraceutical, Cerefolin NAC, that helps with brain fog and also augments anti-depressants. I know most pdocs like to keep the anti-depressants at a low dose to prevent dysphoric and euphoric mania, but for me, I need the maximum dose or I feel like your describing, with is total agony! I really for you feel better! Another thing, scientist predict that in about 3-5 years there will be great meds coming out for depression.

[keri777]

I have had ECT as well, and am currently on maintenance ECTs twice a month and it works very well for me. Most people only need it once a month but I have been a difficult case and needed every two weeks. But it keeps me stable. Go ahead and get the series and then talk about going to maintenance... I am sure it will help. Whatever you do, Please don't give up.

Bipolar I
Topamax 600mg
Gabatril 100mg
Effexor 75mg
Ambien 15mg
Ativan 1-2mg prn

[cool09]

Are you a rapid-cycler? I think it differs for every individual. I had a full series in Summer '92 and I think I got chronic fatigue from it, ended up with the worst depression ever, ended up on SSDI, but I think it did slow my racing thoughts down about 15%. Last PDOC I had said that ECT benefits BP people more than it does Unipolar depressed people. I could never go thru it again I think.

I think it's suppose to relieve depression temporarily because it wipes your recent memory clean within a few treatments so you completely forget about what's troubling you. But you get your memory back after 30 days after treatment and can fall back into troubled thoughts, ruminating, worrying. I lost my short-term memory during ECT but fell back into worrying after treatment.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. It really means a lot to me.
Today I still feel like hell. My brain plotting against me. It is terrifying. I even have a plan to run from hospital (im on an open ward) and drowning myself in the ocean. Had a chat with a nurse and it helped calm me a bit. My family including nieces and nephews are visiting this arvo so they will be a good reminder as to ahhh I should keep fighting. I'm just scared that will all go out the window when I lose contact with that reality.
Thanks for reading. I just need to chat to someone ( my family don't really but do care about me) I am so thankful for all the support I have and feel so guilty feeling suicidal still. I want a brain transplant.

[Wander]

The hopelessness and despair are getting worse despite the treatment and support from family and friend. My urges to kill myself are strong...this is hell. At least I am in hospital but it is not a locked ward. I'm scared of locked wards and want to avoid them so am careful what I say to the doc and nurses.
Anyone else get strong urges to act and end their life despite the fact they have such a good life?

[wildflowerchild25]

That's what depression does to you. It lies to you and convinces you you need to die even when your life is beautiful. It's not you. It's your head lying to you. Mine does that to me all the time when I'm depressed or mixed.

I think another round of ECT might be worth it for you. I did ECT years ago and it worked wonderfully for a long time. I had fifteen bilateral treatments. I would consider it again if it came down to it. I agree with some others in that you might be a candidate for maintenance treatment once a month or once every couple of weeks.

Don't let the depression beat you. You are in a safe place. Let them help you. Don't trust your brain right now.