[PolarTryBi]

Preface, I'm diagnosed with:
Bipolar type I
PTSD
Anxiety
Dissociate Disorder

I'm 21, going on 22. I've been held captive by these diseases for close to 15 years. Oh, did I mention? I have chronic medical conditions beyond the mental stuff.

On a typical day, it's easy to get up- put on some pants- brush your teeth- grab a cup of coffee and get started with your day.

My day doesn't start until the afternoon. See I was up until 5am taking as many prescriptions as I have that say "for sleeping" on them. Sometimes I feel like a chemist mixing different things (things that could knock out a horse)...Waiting for a reaction (sometimes there isn't one). An hour or 2 later, I finally feel a little pull on my eyelids. Sweet sweet peace. Then I "wake up" 2 or 3pm and attempt to rise from bed without the sharp pain that shoots down my back, or my joints clicking or the urge to pee 40 different times. Then I walk over to the window to pull back the dark sheet covering it so I can see what it looks like outside that day. Dread. I just wish it would stay dark. I start to think about things- first it's what I can do to accomplish anything today. Then within moments, I'm back to thinking about how my father pushed my mother into a glass window (20 years ago). Skip the coffee because it doesn't work anyway. Turn on the radio with the volume as high as possible to drown out my thoughts. Rev the car to 90+ MPH down the highway, still not paying attention, but I enjoy the sense of flying. Maybe running into the mountain would make this all stop. No? When its finally time to show up for your therapy appointment, you get happy-go-lucky. I sit there for an hour, begging
and pleading for someone, anyone...To make this misery go away. Take away the thoughts, let me not get thrown out of stores for having a confrontation with an employee or manager. Let me not explode onto my mother like a punching bag. The therapist would ask how it makes me feel...So? It makes me feel trapped. Like I'm in a war within my mind. Like I'm unprepared for battle, but I have to go out there, in no armor or weapons. Who do you think is going to win this battle? My saving grace is a prayer to a man, whom I feel has no desire to even hear from me, let alone answer my prayer. But this one man, for some reason, has saved my life over and over again. He knows when things are going to come to a head. My dear God I hope he's there that day.

[Wander]

Polar I am so sorry to hear you are going through such horrible pain and struggle. I can kind of relate to a lot of what you mentioned as I have Bipolar1, PTSD, BPD and dissociate regularly and have had for several decades. I am 38 now and I can say that life has improved significantly with years of effective treatment and a lot of hard work. I want you to know that there is hope of a future you will want to be in. Your illness may never be completely 'cured' but there is so much hope it can improve significantly. Hang in there!

[Double Edge]

Originally Posted by PolarTryBi

Preface, I'm diagnosed with:
Bipolar type I
PTSD
Anxiety
Dissociate Disorder

I'm 21, going on 22. I've been held captive by these diseases for close to 15 years. Oh, did I mention? I have chronic medical conditions beyond the mental stuff.

On a typical day, it's easy to get up- put on some pants- brush your teeth- grab a cup of coffee and get started with your day.

My day doesn't start until the afternoon. See I was up until 5am taking as many prescriptions as I have that say "for sleeping" on them. Sometimes I feel like a chemist mixing different things (things that could knock out a horse)...Waiting for a reaction (sometimes there isn't one). An hour or 2 later, I finally feel a little pull on my eyelids. Sweet sweet peace. Then I "wake up" 2 or 3pm and attempt to rise from bed without the sharp pain that shoots down my back, or my joints clicking or the urge to pee 40 different times. Then I walk over to the window to pull back the dark sheet covering it so I can see what it looks like outside that day. Dread. I just wish it would stay dark. I start to think about things- first it's what I can do to accomplish anything today. Then within moments, I'm back to thinking about how my father pushed my mother into a glass window (20 years ago). Skip the coffee because it doesn't work anyway. Turn on the radio with the volume as high as possible to drown out my thoughts. Rev the car to 90+ MPH down the highway, still not paying attention, but I enjoy the sense of flying. Maybe running into the mountain would make this all stop. No? When its finally time to show up for your therapy appointment, you get happy-go-lucky. I sit there for an hour, begging
and pleading for someone, anyone...To make this misery go away. Take away the thoughts, let me not get thrown out of stores for having a confrontation with an employee or manager. Let me not explode onto my mother like a punching bag. The therapist would ask how it makes me feel...So? It makes me feel trapped. Like I'm in a war within my mind. Like I'm unprepared for battle, but I have to go out there, in no armor or weapons. Who do you think is going to win this battle? My saving grace is a prayer to a man, whom I feel has no desire to even hear from me, let alone answer my prayer. But this one man, for some reason, has saved my life over and over again. He knows when things are going to come to a head. My dear God I hope he's there that day.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with so much right now. I can empathize, your description of a day sounds rather similar to many of my own, especially when I was at the worst of my PTSD. Especially the part about getting into confrontations with random store employees/managers, with whoever I'm with trying to get me out of there as soon as, possible; exploding at mother about tons of crappy unresolved issues (even tried to push her into the street once during what I think was probably a mixed episode).

I have chronic hip and back pain from a car accident 4 years ago, the event that triggered my PTSD and brought back 13 years of traumas that I'd effectively and seriously repressed, from being abused by my mom's boyfriend, to a molestation, to being abused physically and emotionally by my mom, two rapes (one by an ex), to being beat up by an (different) ex. These events replayed on my mind endlessly, along with the helpless feeling and horror with scenes of the car accident. T-boned in an intersection by a car running a red light; I didn't see it, next thing I know I'm 50 ft up the road turned 180 degrees around, car just a foot away from a telephone pole and about 3 feet from two pedestrians on the sidewalk, staring at a car with a demolished front end.

Dx'd with spinal osteoarthritis at 25, scoliosis at 14, and herniated disc at age 6 (another car accident). Always dealt with chronic back pain on and off from 6, so 23 years now. Had a lot of physical therapy and corticosteroid epidurals for my back/nerve pain. Been dealing with shooting nerve pain down my legs since the accident (June 2010). Lost feeling of the inside of my feet, from the top of my big toe to just past the main joint below it. Super stiff in the mornings, takes an hour just to kinda "loosen up" after waking up. By the end of the day I'm stiff and sore.

What I can say is that with time, therapy, and the will (however small and occasionally non-existent on bad days) to keep getting better, things do get better. I can also say that things can creep up out of nowhere and really throw you off (had a PTSD relapse after being in remission for approx. 10 months last October, only now have things been calming down again, just dealing majorly with MDD). Just recently dx'd BP I by a neuropsych eval, but both my pdocs think BP II because most of my manias were SSRI-induced, hospitalization was 8 years ago, last known mania was 4 years ago right before the car accident, even though my first two manias weren't medication-induced, one episode had psychotic features, and I have transient psychotic thoughts. Little confused about that.

Because of all these things, I also feel trapped by myself, unsure of my future, afraid I'm going to end up doing something to royally **** it up, and afraid also that I might succeed. I want to go to to to grad school and obtain a PhD in Clinical Psych, I want to help people because I know what it's like to be on the other side of the treatment plan. My doctors say I can cognitively handle it and are confident I'd succeed in grad school, but that stress will be my "Achilles' heel." I feel like this is almost a death sentence... managing stress has become my downfall, even though when I'm hypo or manic none of that matters. Been depressed for year and 8 months now. Afraid I'll one day be unable to handle all the pressure of physical, emotional, and mental pain that I'll snap and ruin everything.

But I try to just take it a day at a time and not beat myself up over stuff. Not always the best at it, but if I compare myself to a year ago, I can see progress, so I just try to use that to remind myself it all takes time. Time and determination. Just not giving up and always remembering you're never as alone as you feel. That's so hard sometimes. But it's always possible. Hang in there and keep reaching out!