Understanding An Episode

Hey all,

I am trying to come to terms with a recent episode I had. It started toward then of my work day (just about when I would heading home) and lasted through the next day.

It started a heavy feeling of weighed down -- I was listen to music on my drive home and everything looked really super clear and sharp and beautiful...but there was a huge feeling of despair on top of it all...and paranoia...in particular about my job...for no reason (there are no indication at work that my job is in anyway in jeaopardy, quite the opposite in fact) I had this feeling like I was going to lose my job because of my behavior problems (of which I don't have that I know of). This feeling of despair increased through out the night until I was next to wanting to cry (I never feel like crying, even when depressed), but here I was just a step away from it--I couldn't concentrate on anything...I was completely stuck by this despair but also with the intensity of the world around me...

We started watching Robin Williams Stand Up (how people have done that this last week) and eventually the feeling eventually started to come and go....but was still mostly there until the following day until I was about leave work...

It was the first time I remember feeling this...it was truly bizzare....

Any thoughts (I know you all can't diagnose), but I am curious what your OPINIONS are....

Thanks for reading,

~angry1541.

EDIT: I should add it was such a strange episode that I scared my wife....hmm...

Had it lasted longer I would say it could be a mixed episode? .. It could be of course but most last a bit longer .. If it were me I would just chart my moods and see if there is a pattern emerging .

I hope your feeling better and this was just a fleeting thing.

You have described feelings and experiences that are apart from your normal self. It sounds like you are having some anxiety mixed with depression (and some euphoria maybe). I’m not sure if that would qualify as a mixed episode unless you are having more manic symptoms, and I realize everyone experiences their own set of manic symptoms.

I too have a hard time distinguishing if whether or not I am in the midst of a mixed episode. My pdoc did say when I alternate between crying (doubtful) and excessive laughing (feeling elevated but not happy), am tightly wound up like a rubber band inside and talking to myself incessantly, and that lasts for a week or longer, then it is probably (not certain) a mixed episode. When I start to exhibit bizarre behavior when alone that cautions me to be self-conscience enough to try to avoid embarrassment in public. I am fortunate that I have my own office at work so it is easier for me to hide any bizarre behaviors.

I am possibly entering a mixed episode now based on how I have felt the last few days and my mood chart here indicates that as well. I will try not to dwell on it to avoid that panicky feeling. Hope you feel better soon.

There is something about work that always fuels paranoia for me. I always thought I was about to be fired. Never even came close.

Yeah...I am still having the experiences of kinda feeling up one moment and then down the next, ready to host meetings, and then not wanting to engage anyone the next moment. Wanting to play a video game (yes, I still do this in my late 30s) and not, wanting to watch a tv show and then not and wanting to....and during the 'not' times, I just wanna go lay down alone somewhere....the more I read up, I think I am looking at a mixed episode.

Also, I have been waking up after only a couple hours sleep and consider staying up the rest of the night (as I don't feel like I need to sleep anymore), but I normally force myself back to bed and sleep.

Thinking my best is call my pdoc's office and see if maybe the gaba works to take edge off my anxiety, but not the manic elements -- but I would think the Zoloft should be handling the downs...

I am also starting to think I have never really experienced a true hypomanic state since I have been on gaba...maybe small events, but not a severe one like this....*shrug* I don't know.

I hate calling my pdoc as I always feel like a hypochondriac.

Just remember that bipolar is an extremely difficult illness to manage- you're not being a hypochondriac- you're actively participating in your health.

Yeah...I called as I am thinking as I have only been sober for a year, there's a good chance that I have never had a 'real' episode sober. I HAVE had a serious bout of depression, but I am thinking I actually experiencing true hypomanic experience....

We'll see what the doctor says....he's out today....so might be Monday -- I am not in any danger to myself or others right now...(other than to my pocketbook or the chores that need to be done -- watch edging sidewalks, here I come! Sweep the house? No problem!!!)....

So...the only issue I have is that it's not exactly pleasurable....and that might be anxiety...where the Gaba might be helping a bit for the anxiety, I don't think it's true there....else the paranoia about losing my job, house, etc wouldn't really be there....I when I say paranoia I don't mean fleeting concerns...this was beat you over the head crawl into a corner and shake and cry paranoia...a sense of inevitability.

Anyway I will keep you all updated, I might see if there is a better/different mood stabilizer I might be able to be put on.

You mention you're on Zoloft? SSRIs like Zoloft can trigger hypomania/mania in persons with bipolar illness. I've had a manic or mixed episode every time I've ever been prescribed one for various reasons, that it's a wonder I wasn't dx'd with bipolar sooner (that's why GPs shouldn't prescribe psychotropic meds, they don't connect the dots well).

I know everyone is different, and I've noticed a few people on here also take SSRIs (which also freaks me out, just because my episodes were so bad) but I'd be downright scared to take a SSRI or SNRI knowing I had bipolar. It's just a thought, and I don't know how long you've been on Zoloft, but I would worry about it if it were me. It's maybe at least worth a discussion with your pdoc.

And I agree with the above poster, you're not a hypochondriac, you're managing your illness. That's what the doctor's there for. Be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself. Good luck with this!

Yeah and the gaba is supposed to balance this...but I am not sure it is.

Yup -- got a hold of my pdoc to see what they say....gotta call them back after my meeting here at work.

Yeah....my wife said, if I am feeling something isn't right my pdoc would WANT to know about it.

Thanks for the feedback.

You do sound mixed, Im sorry .. Mixed are literally hell on earth ! Alot of times a Pdoc will hit you with a strong AP for a little while to knock the mixed episode down. Zyprexa seems to be one of the most common ones.

I can only speak for myself and my mood changes rapidly. I never know how I'm going to feel five minutes from now. My mood is like the weather in fast-motion. And I know when I worked I was completely stressed-out and agitated just from the drive in the morning and I was a wreck for the rest of the day. If a driver or a light or my car pissed me off in some way it would get me right to the core. It's like a horrible emotional rollercoaster.

Prozac in the 90's made me hypomanic. Celexa, lexapro made me extremely agitated like my head was going to blow off. Effexor is one of the only ADs I can tolerate.

BP is very hard to diagnose. Psychiatrists shouldn't make a diagnosis of BP in 1 or 2 sessions but they do. They make all diagnoses in 1 or 2 sessions which is absurd. And they do not take into account personality disorders or other mental disorders which can overlap or be predominant. What a waste of money and time.

There's talk now of abilify getting added on top of an increase of the Gabapentin and Zoloft....my dx is just about a year old and I was a heavy drinker (ha! an alcoholic, 12pk a night every night) before my dx, so I wouldn't have known what was BP and what was alcohol until I got clean for a while and I think this was my first real heavy episode of any sort.

Still kinda going without the paranoia or despair that I was feeling...now I am flipping between being tired and down and wanting to whole to great bouts of energy and wanna do this and that...then I get halfway through whatever and crash....or lose interest.