Newly discovered BP, terrified...

Hi everyone,

I went to my T yesterday to discuss with her the potential for medicating me for depression. This has been a particularly bad episode for me, but it's the first I've really had since I started seeing this T a year ago. I've been really resistant to RX meds for my depression because of a few bad experiences with them in the past (total apathy on one - everything was flat, and the other didn't seem to have any impact on me whatsoever). As a rule, I don't really put chemicals that are not absolutely necessary in my body. She asked about my past history with depression, and during the course of that conversation, asked me how I felt about checking me out for bipolar. She and I ran through a bunch of things, got through major parts of my history. At the end, it seemed pretty clear I was BP, and she also said that her experience of me over the time we've worked together agrees with this.

She could tell I started to panic a bit. I'm used to thinking about myself having depression. I have 2 relatives with BP; one (a great aunt who has died) was universally disliked in my family and labeled 'crazy' - she was blunt & abrasive, seemed to enjoy making others uncomfortable, was extremely creative. I don't know if she ever medicated or not, but everyone was aware of her mental illness. She was generally avoided (my dad particularly disliked her - they had a very antagonistic relationships). It's hard for me to tell how much of the discord had to do with her illness, and how much might have just been her personality outside of BP. My aunt (one of my dad's sisters) is also BP. We all love her, but she seriously struggles with keeping a job, making rent, affording life. She has low expenses, but work is an issue. She's a lovely person, thoughtful and caring. She medicates off and on, I think, and has for much of her life. I see how much she struggles to handle the basics of life, and between that extreme and my great aunt who made her way just fine but alienated everyone, I don't feel positive about my future with this.

While I was looking at my answers relative to questions about the manic side of BP, I was floored. I just assumed that the things I experience when I'm not depressed are 'normal.' There are bits I don't care for too much: impulsivity, doing/saying things that are socially embarrassing, undertaking big efforts that are left undone when I start to get depressed, speaking too fast for others, having to get all my rapid thoughts out quickly while talking, anxiety (one of the things I started seeing this T for...she thinks it might be my physical experience of the hypomania), and irritability. I just felt like I was maybe a little socially awkward (a source of a lot of self judgment when I'm in a depressive episode), have a very quick mind, and am quick to strong emotions.

On the plus side, though, I love how productive I am when I'm in what I guess is a hypomanic state. I thoroughly enjoy the activities I undertake, feeling like I'm accomplishing a lot, the general feeling of being energetic, enthusiastic, socially engaging/engaged, creative, excited, etc. I really don't want to let go of any of this...I feel like its the only time I'm really happy.

So back to the issue of medication. I don't know what to do. My T understands my aversion to RX meds, though she does have a relationship with my GP's PA, so she can talk to him about my past experiences with meds and maybe try to help guide that path a little bit. But if I start on meds, will I always have to be taking them? For the rest of my life? And my understanding is that they would help smooth out the cycles - the big downs and ups. Does that mean I have to give up the good stuff...the productivity, the creativity, the energy? What happens when that goes away - what's in its place? Do I just not experience the world as intensely as I do? Will my mind slow down (I realize for some this is a good thing, but I like how my mind makes so many quick connections and speeds through analyses of things/situations so that I don't have to plod through things)?

My T did say she has experience with others of a more natural alternative being effective...EMPowerPlus from TrueHope. I've checked around a little bit, and it seems there is some controversy about effectiveness. I'm used to that, though, with most of the natural alternatives I've found to things in my life. I know we don't live in a society in the US that values it much. If it works for me, I can live with that - but it's also very expensive & won't be covered by insurance, and I'm again worried about having to take it forever...

Does anyone have any success with not medicating their BP, or have any other methods for managing it?

(Sorry this ended up so long...I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - how I feel, what I'm concerned about and why, what I think I should do next. Thanks if you made it through all this.)

Exercise helps, but I wouldn't (personally) go without meds....

As you realized you looked back at your life and could see that BP has been at play.. Yes its hard to get the "diagnosis" but its a label .. Your life is still your life and always will be.

The decisions to try medication is just up to you...You dont have to. Its a personal choice .

What you can do is load up a huge tool box of coping skills and healthy living to help reduce the effects of BP .. Meditation, Yoga ,Mindfilness, Diet , Exercise, breathing exercises .. the list goes on and on .

As far as feeling like you are going to lose the "good times" thats not always the case .. many people with BP even medicated still have BP ups and down .. being on medication doesnt take it all away .. It just depends on your own unique BP.

You will find numerous people here that are Medfree and are doing really well .. yes they cycle but they use coping skills and learn to body surf through the rough times.

If you do decide to try a medication .. see a Pdoc .. NOT a GP they just dont know enough about Psych meds .. This is a case of not cutting corners.

There is still stigma when it comes to Bipolar .. thats just how it is ..But just because you are diagnosed it doesnt mean you need to tell everyone you know and family... Take time to process this development in your life , learn all you can about it, post here , read here .. You can learn to live with Bipolar and have a wonderful life .

You were clearly bipolar before your diagnosis, having an official label won't suddenly turn you into one of your aunts...

So just shake off that little bit of irrational terror right there...

I was medicated shortly after being diagnosed, was a life saver I won't lie because my life was completely shyt at the time.

Longterm meds were however not a viable option for me. Not mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually, so I stopped taking them, and haven't touched them in almost 3 years.

Like Christina said, quite a few of us rely on coping skills, therapy, body surfing etc, to survive the ups and downs. I would just like to add that this method is practically IMPOSSIBLE to employ if you have low / no self-awareness and insight, because you have to be a step ahead of your very own brand of the Bipolar Beast.

Also support systems, support systems rock, medicated or not. Tricky thing is we tend to have a specific pre-determined idea of what that looks like and can and do, overlook the support we actually dooo get.

Me, I was guilty of that.

There's a member here who's pdoc has agreed to only medicate her as needed, I wish more doctors were open to that method of treatment.

So there's perhaps another possible option for you...

Its a personal choice like Christina said, there's no right or wrong.

My advice? Be open to trying different things and find which ammunition you like best.

Also, monotherapy hardly works (from what I've witnessed and experienced) best to tackle this beast from as many angles as you can.

They don't say "healthy body, equals healthy mind, equals healthy spirit" for nothing...

Not that I'm implying we can actually cure our minds, but our collective aim afterall is to get it as healthy as possible.

Thanks Angry, Christina & Trippin. I've been doing a lot of writing today of some of my history and viewing it through then lens of hypomania likely driving these things.

I hear what you're saying, Christina, about the pdoc, but my T was a little hesitant because the ones in our area are hard to get into and heavy pharma pushers. She hasn't had a lot of luck with them being open to alternatives. Still, I haven't had luck with my GP and anti-depressants. If I decide to go that route, I'd probably prefer someone who knows what they're doing to my GP's approach which has often been something like, "I've tried this in the past and it worked for me, so let's try it with you." In some cases it's been great...I've had success with one thing I use sporadically on her recommendation, and she's really open to me saying I'd like to try homeopathic alternatives to things or a different medication based on something I've read.

Trippin...thank you so much for this:

You were clearly bipolar before your diagnosis, having an official label won't suddenly turn you into one of your aunts...

So just shake off that little bit of irrational terror right there...

I needed to hear/be reminded of that. Also, I love your siggy about being med-free. I'm a little nervous about that with my husband if I don't have great success on either no meds or natural alternatives...that he'll think I'm being irresponsible or will think anytime I'm upset about something that I'm just being unstable due to the BP.

Speaking of which, do any of you run into that with your BP? Not being quite sure that your emotions are 'real'? I already feel that way a lot when I'm depressed...that I know in my rational mind somewhere that my sadness or frustration or twisted interpretation of what's going on around me and within me is not 'real' - that it's the depression doing that. Do people in your lives who know about your BP dismiss your feelings on things because they think it's just the BP reacting?

You're welcome

And to answer your question, no, none of my family members, friends nor bf ever dismiss my experiences as "just my bipolar reacting".

Not because they're saints or even understand bipolar, but because they understand that having bipolar is like having emotions on steroids...

They're still real feelings, real thoughts and real struggles no matter how disproportionate they may seem, and my support system acknowledges this.

I was placed on meds because I was suicidal. I envy people who don't have to take them, but for me to live my best life I need them.
Use whatever techniques you want, but meds are not the worst thing that can happen. Being out of control and suicidal is.

I am a little confused here. Is your Therapist a Ph.d?

No - she's an LMFT, I think.

I just went into inpatient. . Literally stripped of everything. ..... had to.do.random stuff.. 4 hours later they let me because they made a mistake and I'm supposed to be outpatient. 6 hours a day for at least 10 days.... that's an eye opener... I say I can make it and you can too! It can always be worse that's the lesson I learned today... lol.. gl and be bi-winning

Christina and Trippin are high on the list of people I go to when being bipolar overwhelms me, so you're making great connections already. I was dx'd clinically depressed for over 50 yrs before one fabulous psychiatrist at the psych unit I ended up in spent the time to find the bipolar disorder.

None of the anti-depressant drugs had ever worked, but with this new diagnosis (& a p-doc who agreed to find the best meds for me, not just something "good enough"), life became measurably better--and the coping skills I've learned here have saved my life.

I'm better with the meds, especially for the depressed pole. I seldom go hypo-manic--but when I do it's not a happy mania. It's an angry, scary, life-destroying mania. As others have said, everyone's brain chemistry--and so their issues--are different.

Labels don't help us. They're for p-docs and bean counters. We need to find out what works for us. As you go forward, remember that your doctors are a part of your support team. You consider their advice, but only you know what works for you. If you post often and connect with people on PsychCentral who seem to be where you want to be psychologically, you'll get to know folks who can be part of your support too.

roads

For me everyone is more comfortable with me on medication. Given family history it's probably the best. Therapy can now be. focused on your reactions to your moods. I would talk to your therapist about treatment options a

No more than you would have to start on being med-free and always have to not be taking them. It's not an irrevocable decision. Keep an open mind. One can do themselves a disservice by being too rigid on either side of the question. (That said, there are really good reasons people are compelled to be taking them. There are places hellish and dangerous. If taking some med keeps one from going back there, they're going to be a big fan, you know? There's intense, then there's having your own mind scare the **** out of you.)
No, it wouldn't mean you had to give up the good stuff. As you will hear again and again, everyone is different. There can be cases where things do dull out. BUT, it might be simply a matter of not having the right meds/dosages etc for that individual. Personal experience regarding the subjects you ask about...I have not experienced any dulling of my creativity. At all. In fact, a case could be made that I get more done since medicated, because it's evened out. I won't tank out for months and months on end where nothing is created. I have more "useable time" so to speak. "As intensely"…. heh. I hardly know how to answer that one… my life still can get more intense than I can handle. "The energy"… well, I tend to still rate pretty high in that category (unless depressed of course). I do still cycle, but it's made it more manageable because they don't go on for soooooo long. (The depressions had just gotten longer and more entrenched as the undiagnosed and unmedicated years went by.)
YES, YES and YES. It is WAY too complex for a GP to have a sufficient handle on. Personal experience on that one, oh yes. <shudder>
EXCELLENT POINT!!!

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply - I lost this thread for a couple of days. I have been really anxious & posting on a lot of different boards while I'm trying to figure out what's going on and how I'm feeling. Have really felt all over the place. Read through the words given me on this thread just now, though, and have found a lot of comfort in them. I see my T tomorrow and will be talking through the last week with her. I think I've been in a little bit of shock as I've now been reevaluating my history, seeing things through another lens.

So grateful that I have a place to really talk honestly and openly about whatever's going through my mind...and that there are so many here who have been where I am and can relate. Very encouraging, despite feeling so down right now.