[fullmetalchampion]

I am not alone by choice the majority of the time, yet I find myself completely alone with my thoughts, all day, every day. And they aren't particularly encouraging.

I am 27 years old.... and I have little family... no friends at all... and no one to talk to. I live with my parents, but no one talks to me unless its to say "hey I'm home." When I try to open those doorways, I either get met with silence or resistance.

My theory is that I am coming off over 4 years of isolation.... I have holed myself up in my room every day for four years playing online games with online people who I thought were my friends. In the long run they have caused more harm than good in my life... and I've finally freed myself from thinking I need those hurtful people. But it has been months since I've opened my door back up... it has been months since I stopped visiting that game, or making online friends. I am basically sitting alone in my room now, watching tv or reading comic books. I am always reaching out to my family now to have conversation... it feels strained on their end like they don't have much to say, unless they are talking to each other. Outside of my walls I hear laughter, avid conversation... and when I'm around it seems like I'm just in the way. My sibling doesn't even talk to me anymore unless I force my presence upon them... or I'm at work. It's easier to talk to me when I'm not around I guess? But I feel like even then I'm talking to a wall because they have their laptop out and look like they are dead inside. It's hard hearing all this conversation and laughter and feel like it stops when I enter the room.... I have been pleading for them to talk to me for months and they make small talk when I come around, and call it a day. I hate seeing everyone else so happy with each other and feeling like I don't belong....


Then as far as friends.... I don't have any. I go to work. I come home. I sleep. The people at work are very closed minded people.... they fear mental illness, and homosexuality. Lucky me, I'm transgender and bipolar. They don't know this, and I am afraid to tell them because of all the hate that comes out their mouth.

I used to try to make friends with them... and wonder why I was never invited places. It makes high school look like a picnic, working there.... But none of them have ever given me so much as their number. I am nice at work, if I'm feeling ok. I make people laugh. I don't smell.... I'm chubby like a few of them.. I just don't get it... I finally tried to begin getting over it a few months ago. I've worked there a few years, and yes it took me this long to stop being as hurt as I was. They are ok to spend the day with I guess, but I'm realizing now that I shouldn't be friends with people because I am lonely, especially if it's clear I'm not wanted....

So now where do I make friends? I have tried several things.... meetup.com has book clubs, game clubs....People with like-minded interests. Tried it. Each group I've joined, they go, have fun, and go home..... Not really friend type I guess? And even then, it seems like people are avoiding me.... What am I doing wrong? I've tried taking classes.... everyone makes friends with everyone but me....I've even tried falling back on extended family. They don't even answer my texts anymore, let alone entertain the idea of being around me.

I know I have really low days.. I have been stuck in a deep depression for around a year now, and it's really hard for me to interact on those bad days. I can barely function. But at least over half of the time I feel I am pleasant... When I made friends online they loved being around me, and it was the MOST I have ever felt like myself, with slim inhibitions.

I don't know what I am doing wrong and I am starting to feel like maybe there's just something wrong with me... that makes people stay away. It's the loneliest feeling in the world knowing no matter what you do, no one is your friend and you only have your T to talk to....

Thanks to anyone who read this, it was longer than I meant for it to be....

[Bipolarchic14]

Hello fullmetalchampion- I want to start by saying I am really sorry you are feeling this way and are having trouble making friends. I have had similar issues making friends all through out school, college work etc. I have made several friends now but I have times when I don't feel like I have any true friends. One thing that is going to be difficult to hear and understand is your bipolar disorder plays a big factor in how you view things. My therapist talks to me about this because though I do talk to people and hang out with them I don't feel connected with them. Additionally, when I am in a depressive state, I have a tendency to be paranoid. Some one thing you want to try to tackle is determining what is fact and what is being influenced by your depression.

With this said, regarding your family, since I really don't know their personalities, I am not sure my suggestions will work. One thing i do to bond with my family is I ask if they want to play a board game, watch a movie together or go out to dinner. I don't know if you guys eat dinner together but you could offer to cook a fun meal to enjoy together.

With work, I had similar issues working for a small company. Do you work for a smaller company? About three years ago I started working for a bigger company. I did not magically become a social butterfly actually when I first started working there I had a lot of trouble talking with people. I started out hiding in a corner at lunch, eventually I became brave enough to go sit with some of my coworkers. My next step was actually holding a conversation with them instead of being just being apart of the background. Once I began talking with them more comfortably I started inviting people to concerts, dinner and whatever else seemed fun. Sometimes they say no, but many times I am successful.. My point is it sounds like you are working for a smaller company with narrow minded people. Though it may not be possible immediately, you may want to consider looking for a bigger company to work for, where you have more opportunities to meet people.

Another thing I did is join a bipolar support group. There was not one in my area for the longest time. I finally succeeded in finding one. On a side note, the group is small and there are two transgendered people in there. So you are by no means alone with that combination. Those two transgender people go to a transgender support group as well. You may want to try looking for a group like this as well. Anyway just a few ideas.

[CANDC]

full metal champion, welcome to PC. Many compassionate people here. You can visit other forums forums.psychcentral.com
or even go in the bipolar forums Bipolar - Forums at Psych Central. There are even some structured chats for bipolar on Friday evening 8pm or 9pm EST

[LastQuestion]

I've spent a lot of time gaming as well. People seemed to flock to me like lost puppies, but few of them seemed to be real friends. It's been over... well ****, I guess I never really had friends, just some people who were tolerant and willing to include me sometimes.

I never quite had the stability to interact with others in meaningful ways long enough to develop friendships let alone relationships. The last eight(?) years have been spent basically alone. My family talks to me, but I've literally spent years without having a real conversation with anyone but my siblings and people online.

I've been too unstable to hold a job; to entertain I really could. The only reason I didn't commit suicide in my early twenties was because I was aware that physiological changes which occur in the mid-twenties have frequently led to improved stability for people who had childhood onset bipolar. I told myself, if there's an improvement I'll try to figure out a way to make things work, if not there would be no point in continuing to exist.

Now I find myself in a place no one seems to know how to climb out of. I can be functional when I have goals to work towards, there's just no way for me to achieve any of the ones which would enable independance, stability, the things required to insure I would remain functional enough to do anything. When my goals were no longer something I could entertain as possible to achieve, even remotely, my mind collapsed.

My cycle stays mostly on some sort of depression, but I rapid cycle into hypomania that I've learned to focus and be productive with - I cope by planning tasks I can do while hypo, lol, how sad is that. However, even that no longer serves any defined purpose now. Yet, I continue trying and failing to find some way out of this pit I live in. Just getting so exhausted from this now. Just thinking about it...bleh

I'm just so lost as to how I can find something worth doing which I can do. Would be nice if there were friends to spend time with, but I have trouble holding a conversation a lot of the time right now...a lot of cognitive deficits interfering with everything I try to do. Glhf trying to explain that without people thinking I'm retarded.

[lilypup]

This is a little off-topic, but sometimes I wonder about gaming, etc. It seems like it can cause a lot of loneliness.
You are doing well with all of your efforts to meet friends. Keep that up and be thick-skinned. You may have to try a few times before things work out. You sound like a nice caring person. I agree that support groups are an excellent way to meet friends.

[fullmetalchampion]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond... I almost felt as though I was too off to even give a proper one.

I know that some of it is the bipolar talking, yes, but when I feel this alone, I'm not sure that it's possible that it is entirely me.

bipolarchic- Nah, I work for a company I'd say is about average in size. I have also been in a transgender group before, many in fact. The thing is, I'm closer to the end of my transition, there's very little that still bothers me in the sense that I feel I would have to reach out to other transpeople. Mostly because I feel the focus of their groups, in my experience, has been dealing with the depression that comes with the wrong body. Maybe I never found the right one because that's all most of them ever really discussed... that and how hard it was coping with their parents after coming out. 2+ Years of that got mentally draining for me more than anything.... I have long since been out, and I only have one surgery left...

With the bipolar support group, I finally found one but I only get to see them 3x a month, I finally went for the first time this month so I think it's a step in the right direction Thanks for your advice

ty CANDC, I will look into it

LastQuestion- I can totally relate. I think I'm wildly popular in hypomania moments, but people genuinely seem to find that I'm a great guy.. I make them laugh and smile, and though I have my moments they see more good than bad in me. I guess that's why I was sucked in so long. I think I can relate to a lot of what you're saying... if you want, you've always got a friend in me

thanks lilypup

Thanks to all for the hugs and advice