Just thoughts

I've always known something is wrong with me. I've known it for as long as I can remember. My parents fed the denial I have now. Even after cutting them out of my life they still have influences over me and my decisions. I fit. I fit so well into this. This is me. It explains so much. The lightbulb has flickered to life. There isn't any use to fight it. I know the Drs are right. I know I'm going to doubt this occasionally. That's just me. I don't want anything wrong with me or to have to take pills everyday. I haven't been keeping my journal for a while. But it's ok. There has been so many other things going on. I know I should make it a point as well as mood charting. But they have fallen to the wayside. I'm going to a Bible study today. I don't really believe the Bible as 100%fact. Which should make this interesting. I'm going basically to drive my wife and sister in law and her kids. I hope this doesn't feed my brain into an obsession. Religion sometimes does that to me. I'm ready for summer to be over. I want fall. I've got to go make muffins and shower. I didn't sleep well last night. Got 5-6 hours sleep, but lots of waking and tossing and turning. I'm wide awake now. So much to do.

Acceptance is certainly a long process. None of wants to admit something is wrong.

Are the meds working?

Amen. it truly stinks... but can't deny it basically. . I understand that.. that was a good personal expression. .. thanks I needed it. (No sarcasm)

I don't know if the meds are working. I truly don't. Sometimes I feel like they are most of the time I don't think they are. I have an appt with Pdoc on Tuesday.

I'm racing in my head again. Have nephews and their parents over. Can't make them stop. This is defiantly one of the days I say meds aren't working. I'm wired. I want to go walk and read and run and.... everything. Today's Bible study had done the opposite of what I expected. I'm more driven to my Wicca and am ready to go and learn and do. I want to go do ceremonies skyclad. Dance around outside in the streets and experience the rush of sensory overload. But I've gotta stay mellow. No one can know this is what's going on inn my head. I can't even talk to my wife about it because of all the people. Well it's only 2 extra adults and 2 kids. I'm ready to go go go. I'm buzzing. I can feel this energy growing and raising and swelling. I feel like I'm going to explode if I can't go do stuff. The seroquel doesn't seem to be working well. Maybe Tuesday Pdoc will change stuff. I hope. I need relief. A constant relief not the partial relief I experience now. I feel like I keep saying the same stuff. Why can't I just snap my fingers and find what is the right combo of meds. I just want level consistent level. What to do?

I'm rambling. I'm almost thinking of requesting my Pdoc to put me on geodon. I was put on it during my last hospital stay. My op Pdoc didn't understand why the put me on it and had more setup out cold turkey. I think it helped a bit. I just don't think the seroquel is working. Plus I forgot to get my blood work done after my last visit. She didn't give me an order to do it. I've got to stay mellow today. I asked my wife off she thought the meds were working and this is her response: Yes but no. Yes your moods seem to stay level but when ur up u complain about the whole not being able to sit still and ur mind running, but I can't say anything about the inside. I can only comment on what I see and you have very tight control on the outside for the most part. The whole "conceal don't feel" mentality I believe often amped up by ur alleged paranoia.
She thinks I'm paranoid sometimes.

Yeah I can understand you on alot of that.. sounds like your wife is pretty nice and understanding. .. that's huge.. always a big help to have that...

Yeah my wife is understanding most of the time. Sometimes it gets to be too much for her and she needs a break, but it's ok we work through it.
I wrote this once, but tapatalk erased it when I got a text. So this may not be what was here before.
I'm not paranoid. I just know that I am important and some people at work can't stand it. I'm feeling awesome. Hell I even talked to my boss eye to eye. I was cordial even overly happy. Going to buy one of the books I've borrowed from the library. I think one of the psychiatrists that I saw my last inpatient trip knew this was where I was heading, but my reg Pdoc didn't. I know this is me just like I know music expresses thoughts and feelings better than talking ever could. I just want to keep from getting myself in trouble with a lack of "shut up" filter when I talk or post on Facebook.

Question, does your Pdoc listen to you when you want too change some of your med?

My ex pdoc listened and then explained why that was not a valid option for me.

So my tripping over a preschool sized chair had resulted in ankle injury. Mind you it has been over a week. It seems to be getting worse. My wife is freaking out telling me that I need to go to the ER. I don't want to If it's going to be a pat on the head and deal with it. I don't know. But the pain had increased a bit today after it popped. I told her I'd go after work, Maybe.

Can you go to urgent care or pick up a good splint at the drug store?

Urgent care won't see me since don't have my copay. I'm broke till tomorrow. I have a good brace that is the closest thing to a splint my pharmacies have had. I wore it yesterday and foot swelled so bad I thought I'd have cut the brace off. So now I'm just wrapping with an ace bandage now. I did get an appt with my PCP for tomorrow so I'm trying to stick it out.

Going to have to call Pdoc if this keeps up. I'm depressed again. Wanting to sleep and cry that's it. I would rather be high. I'm tempted to just stop taking meds to go back up. With or without Pdoc approval. I'm doubting everything. I'm finding it really hard to find a positive thing anywhere. Need to meditate and center myself which doesn't seem to be possible. I just hate this if this is me. And self doubt is raging. I'm lost. Negative thoughts taking over. Fml.

I don't really understand what is going on with me. Apparently my PTSD could mimic bipolar. I've not heard that before. But I don't know if that's accurate. I'm so confused. This fits, but I know I have PTSD. I didn't think that I was still having so many issues as a result of that still. I want a yes this is you or a no this isn't you. Why can't this crap be better?

Mental illness is never in a hurry to resolve.. Often it takes a more patience that we seem to have.

I hope your feeling better soon