[Hopeful Camel]

I've been feeling increasingly agitated, increasingly depressed, and increasingly hopeless the past week. Today I just took a nosedive. I've been sleeping fitfully today. When I am awake, I cry. Otherwise I am an agitated mess of confusion, anger at myself, and depression. I know this place. I need to get out of it, but don't feel I have the energy to move.
My spouse keeps trying to "Cheer me up" which makes me feel even worse. As if I could be cheered up and just get better. Is it that easy? Am I just being a party pooper or is something wrong with me? I feel like I'm losing my mind, and she seems to think she can coax me out of this. It makes me feel worse. I just want to nurture myself, and distract myself. That is what feels the best to me right now. Thoughts?

[Tucson]

She is trying to help in the only way she knows. And if she brings you passing relief from your pain, than whose to say it cannot help?

[loophole]

I know it stinks to be in a bad funk.. when it's bad nothing can really help it out except yourself... and trust me I know easier said then done... I noticed one thing you said in there though. "My spouse tries to cheer me up".. that's something that can make you smile... my spouse has not truly been supportive at all. That makes me want to act out badly and it's so so hard not too... none the less that doesn't fix everything but be happy for him/her. They are a blessing.

[Hopeful Camel]

I feel so messed up. Like I'm defective. Took too many of my pills, just to put myself out of her misery. I feel like I am bad for everyone. I am supposed to feel thankful and blessed, but I don't. I feel like hell. I feel like I need help, not cheering up. I know people want to help, but last time I checked, this was an illness, not a need for an attitude adjustment. I feel angry and unheard. I feel worthless and stupid to even try.

[Hopeful Camel]

No worries. She is raging at me now. Throwing things, screaming at me. Breaking dishes. Now I am getting what I deserve. I wish I knew how to delete this thread. Sorry for my bother.

[Hobbit House]

Wow, I was going to recommend buying a book for your wife on living with someone with a mental illness.

[Tucson]

Hang in there!

[BlackSheep79]

Maybe your wife broke down because she couldn't cheer you up? I let my husband know when there is nothing he can do for me, that it just need to shut myself off from the world temporarily and ride it out. It has to be so difficult being the spouse for all of us. I can relate a little bit. My husband has severe Chron's disease and I have had to sit back time after time and watch him suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do for him. I have watched this disease break him down to nothing not only physically but also mentally. Just like BP, you never know when it is going to strike. What we have both found out thru the years together and handling these illnesses is that you can't hide stuff from each other be honest at all times they will understand.

[StayinAlive]

I hope you manage to have a peaceful night after all. You are right, of course. If only it were as easy as just cheering up.

[vjdragonfly]

You are no bother and I'm glad you couldn't delete this thread. BP is a beast living within us. It rips us apart and breaks us down. Telling lies that we are not wanted and a burden. Tempting us to just give up and give in. We can totally control the beast, but when it is raging we can be mindful. It is hard to hear right now, but this to shall pass. Know that this is a moment in your life that you must go through and it is not you but the beast inside. And I agree, communicate with your wife.