[wildflowerchild25]

School time. The time of year that seems to always have me wondering why the hell I became a teacher. I'm so stressed out just thinking about it. I'm consumed by anxiety. I'm smoking almost a pack a day, when I was only smoking five cigarettes a day. But whatever gets me through, right?

It doesn't help that I opened my fattoush last year and somehow became the director of the new technology program. And it doesn't help that I also have to go back to school myself to get my special ed certification - that class started yesterday. I'm doing it online which is good because I dot have to drag my *** to class but bad because it's accelerated which means twice as much work in half as much time.

I'm just so scared of an episode knocking everything out of whack for me. I absolutely cannot afford to be sick this year. Now that I know the terrible places my brain can take me I'm scared. Financial pressure doesn't help either. I know I was miserable in retail but some days I wish I could go back to that mindless job where I didn't have to take work home with me and I didn't have to go back to school and I could just deal with dumb people all day and go home.

But in the end I know I love teaching. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it. I literally sat in the social worker's office (my classroom was being used for a preservice) and just stared, paralyzed by anxiety. And that was WITH the klonopin.

I think if I just get in to the school year I'll be ok but for now it's bumming me out. I'm not quite stable on meds yet. Better than I was, loads better, but still swinging in the breeze, just not a mad hurricane. Bonus - I did listen to a lecture for my online class today and took the first quiz. Bombed it, but I took it. And I don't feel I could have prepared any better for it and I don't think it counts for too much anyway. So I am forcing myself to do SOME things. I just wish I could wake up and be happy. I miss the hypomania. Meds have stomped that out for sure. The hypomania I had the last few weeks was a dark one. Is love some happy euphoric confidence and energy right now.

It will get better. Right? Someday. I'll wake up happy. I wish I could find that true joy. I haven't felt it in so long. Not since March, and that was artificial. I need to practice more mindfulness or something, gotta get out of my head. Enjoy my little boy, he's starting preschool on Tuesday! Another source of anxiety. I'm afraid I've failed as a mother and his horrid behavior will get him kicked out in a month flat. How irrational is that!

I just want joy back in my life. I want the anxiety gone. I want the depression, no matter how mild, gone.

Thanks for listening.

[gubernova]

Wow you're in a tough profession for someone with bipolar disorder. I think you're a very brave person and in a profession that touches people's lives. My fiancé and both my parents are teachers and I wish I could be a teacher, but I'm not strong enough to handle the stress. You're a very courageous person and a true success story for someone dealing with bipolar

Originally Posted by gubernova

Wow you're in a tough profession for someone with bipolar disorder. I think you're a very brave person and in a profession that touches people's lives. My fiancé and both my parents are teachers and I wish I could be a teacher, but I'm not strong enough to handle the stress. You're a very courageous person and a true success story for someone dealing with bipolar

Ditto about a tough profession for a bipolar. And, she wishes sometimes she can go back to retail. Retail may be less streesful than teaching, but it's so stressful to me that I can't go back to it after being in it for 15 years. Sometimes I wish I had never started bipolar treatment. In fact sometimes I wish I had never went to the clinic and found out. Maybe I could have found another job and so what if I made the same behavioral mistakes and got fired, at least I would have been trying.

After starting all of this treatment and meds, I am no better off. In fact I am worse off because I have less savings now and still no job because I honestly feel as though no employer wants a mid aged male with a mental disorder and back issues. I wouldn't want to hire myself so why should anyone else. I've been hoping I will get some ssdi to assist me while I continue to try and figure the bipolar crap out and how to move forward.

Unfortunately, I will be completely broke in about 6 months. I won't need therapy, meds, or my ssdi hearing once that happens. All that will be needed is an urn.

[gubernova]

Hang in there Lmciyah, it's tough as heck the therapy. But sometimes progress is strange and it's just a matter of finding the meds that work. One time it took me years of med changes and ECT to get back on track, and one time I was feeling great again in a month.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Lmciyah

Ditto about a tough profession for a bipolar. And, she wishes sometimes she can go back to retail. Retail may be less streesful than teaching, but it's so stressful to me that I can't go back to it after being in it for 15 years. Sometimes I wish I had never started bipolar treatment. In fact sometimes I wish I had never went to the clinic and found out. Maybe I could have found another job and so what if I made the same behavioral mistakes and got fired, at least I would have been trying.

After starting all of this treatment and meds, I am no better off. In fact I am worse off because I have less savings now and still no job because I honestly feel as though no employer wants a mid aged male with a mental disorder and back issues. I wouldn't want to hire myself so why should anyone else. I've been hoping I will get some ssdi to assist me while I continue to try and figure the bipolar crap out and how to move forward.

Unfortunately, I will be completely broke in about 6 months. I won't need therapy, meds, or my ssdi hearing once that happens. All that will be needed is an urn.

I guess we all have different definitions of stressful, right? When I was in retail I loathed it and that's why I stayed in college. Of course my symptoms were in remission then for the most part. Now it's all I feel I could handle. Or going back to being a paraprofessional in the school system instead of a teacher.

You'll be ok lmcyah. Something will come through for you. Bipolar can't beat us. It can't beat any of us.

I feel a little bit more productive today but still unbelievably anxious. The thought of doing lesson plans is paralyzing me. I'm so scared of doing poorly.

You'll be ok. I'll be ok. It has to be ok:

[FitPrk3]

I'm the same way. I'm a certified welder by trade but have decided I can no longer do it bc of the stressors involved in my work place. So I quit before having an episode and took on a customer service job. Which I've never ever done. But for some reason knowing I don't have the pressures of having to lay down the perfect weld or screwing something up that costs hundreds of $$ to fix is a huge weight off my shoulders. You'll make it through this or decide its in your best interest to not be involved in a job that stressful. You'll find your path, and when you do, light that baby up!

[~Christina]

Wild

I think you have perfectly acceptable fears about gearing up for another school year .. Last year you got through it by kicking and clawing your way to the end you were just a mess .. \

But look at you know now ! Your in a much better place and I think once you make it through the first week you will find your groove..

Yeah Mindfulness ! That will help you so so much .

You are going to be just fine I also bet your son will do just fine at Pre k

[A Red Panda]

I hear you wildflower!

Bipolar+teacher can be a super stressful combination! I had a lot of stress last year due to well... some bullying basically. So the past week each day I go in to get things set up... well... I feel queasy.

And I have SO MUCH TO DO! Upped my antidepressant dosage to hopefully combat the stress...

Good luck!!

[wildflowerchild25]

Every day leads me further into depression. Could be for a number of reasons. Could be my period, could be my invega shot due tomorrow, could be stress...all I know is this is not how I wanted to start the year. I wanted to be happy to see my kids. I wanted to be happy to be in the classroom. But it's not going that way for me. I don't want to start off the year on a depressed note. It's so not fair to the kids. Now I'm thinking what else could I do with an English degree? Oh that's right, pretty much nothing which is why I went for teaching in the first place, besides wanting to help teenagers.

Maybe in the first couple of weeks I can break out of this. Maybe I should add an AD, as terrifying as that is. I have a pdoc appt on the tenth so it's not so far away. Plus this really could be PMS. Seems to happen every month. Just poor, poor timing.

Am I really strong enough for this? Or should I just give up? I just want to sleep forever right now. As I have been doing for the last five days.

[Love&Toil]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I feel a little bit more productive today but still unbelievably anxious. The thought of doing lesson plans is paralyzing me. I'm so scared of doing poorly.

Wildflowerchild are you a perfectionist?

[gris212]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

School time. The time of year that seems to always have me wondering why the hell I became a teacher. I'm so stressed out just thinking about it. I'm consumed by anxiety. I'm smoking almost a pack a day, when I was only smoking five cigarettes a day. But whatever gets me through, right?

It doesn't help that I opened my fattoush last year and somehow became the director of the new technology program. And it doesn't help that I also have to go back to school myself to get my special ed certification - that class started yesterday. I'm doing it online which is good because I dot have to drag my *** to class but bad because it's accelerated which means twice as much work in half as much time.

I'm just so scared of an episode knocking everything out of whack for me. I absolutely cannot afford to be sick this year. Now that I know the terrible places my brain can take me I'm scared. Financial pressure doesn't help either. I know I was miserable in retail but some days I wish I could go back to that mindless job where I didn't have to take work home with me and I didn't have to go back to school and I could just deal with dumb people all day and go home.

But in the end I know I love teaching. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it. I literally sat in the social worker's office (my classroom was being used for a preservice) and just stared, paralyzed by anxiety. And that was WITH the klonopin.

I think if I just get in to the school year I'll be ok but for now it's bumming me out. I'm not quite stable on meds yet. Better than I was, loads better, but still swinging in the breeze, just not a mad hurricane. Bonus - I did listen to a lecture for my online class today and took the first quiz. Bombed it, but I took it. And I don't feel I could have prepared any better for it and I don't think it counts for too much anyway. So I am forcing myself to do SOME things. I just wish I could wake up and be happy. I miss the hypomania. Meds have stomped that out for sure. The hypomania I had the last few weeks was a dark one. Is love some happy euphoric confidence and energy right now.

It will get better. Right? Someday. I'll wake up happy. I wish I could find that true joy. I haven't felt it in so long. Not since March, and that was artificial. I need to practice more mindfulness or something, gotta get out of my head. Enjoy my little boy, he's starting preschool on Tuesday! Another source of anxiety. I'm afraid I've failed as a mother and his horrid behavior will get him kicked out in a month flat. How irrational is that!

I just want joy back in my life. I want the anxiety gone. I want the depression, no matter how mild, gone.

Thanks for listening.

I can relate totally!! I was a teacher for 9 some years. Last November I fell into a deep depression. I took fmla, I took care of myself, but I didn't want to go back. I loved teaching and the role I played in the community, but being bipolar and teaching was too much stress.

In February I decided not to return. I am single, no children, and I felt like I had just made the worst decision of my life. I applied for disability thru my union and was able to get some financial help for a couple of months.

I have 2 degrees in education, but I do not miss the stress. They put too much on our plates. I have discovered running and feel so much better!

I'm currently a caregiver with some income, but always looking for something better. I stopped smoking in November too! I totally understand you, I was smoking 5 some cigarettes on the way to work and giving myself a pep talk to walk into my classroom.
I miss the good things, but not the stress and anxiety. Think of your well being and what will make you happy.

Take care of you!

Feel free to msg me. This year started off so bad for me and now I feel like I took a 180 turn. I don't regret my decision.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Love&Toil

Wildflowerchild are you a perfectionist?

Does it show? Lol.

[wildflowerchild25]

Well I got my shot today so maybe I'll start feeling better soon. All I kept thinking during inservices today was I just don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care.

That's not fair to the kids.

I still want to sleep forever. I wish my financial situation didn't suck so much. I would quit today.

[~Christina]

Just break it all down into small steps,small amounts of time.. Dont think OMG I have a whole day of school with possibly loud kids ..

I think by week two you'll be back in the swing of things. Dont doubt your yourself