Help. I've fallen and can't get up

Seriously, I have no one to discuss my mi with other than t and that's once every 3 weeks. The days are shortening, which is usually a time when I start extremely rapid cycling as I have the last few days. First time it's happened since early summer.

Really though. I can't talk to my brothers, as they always manipulate conversations to what they want to talk about. Father completely ignores me (I got this from him but no, no, his family was perfect in his opinion).

With super mania gone due to meds, I've got no motivation to try to find a job because
1) I cannot take getting fired again as I have been numerous times through the years
2) Terrified if I did get hired and they find out about this, they will find a way to can me
3) I really don't think I'm capable of dealing/being around people because after putting up with
the asswipes I worked with at my last job, I will snap if people ever treat me, talk about me.
like they did to my face, or scheme against me to get me fired. Wow, one altercation, one
wussy ran his mouth until I got right in his face and prayed he pushed me so I would have a
legitimate self defense claim to crack his skull.

Only motivation I have is too continue helping care for legally blind father. He doesn't realize I am damn near broke. And, while my brothers live their lives, and go on vacations a few times a year, I can't afford to pay attention.

God damn it. I'm stopping my 3 blood pressure meds in hopes I do f'in stroke out to get me out of this hell on earth because I'd rather be happy, productive, and enjoy life than be healthy.

Holler if I sound shot out. My alias is Fruit Loops.

I'm spiraling again and it's causing me to obsess with this site which leads to a highly important question. How does ocd play in with bipolar. Does it make it better, worse, or neither?

You haven't been here for a while a lot of us use here because we don't get enough out side support. Please don't stress about coming here. I would really hope you're willing to slowly add your blood pressure medicine back as I really enjoy talking to you. I've said before I'll help you find whatever resources you and your father need but being a care taker currently isn't healthy for you. Have you started to like your therapist more? Have you finally got into the pdoc?

I went into a lull for a couple of months. I enjoyed talking with you as eell and loved the pictures.

T & pdoc are ok. I don't have any other choice. I sat around for 2 months other than mowing the lawn. Tired of being lazy. Now up to a 3rd blood pressure medicine, but I haven't stsrted it yet because I absolutely despise that gp clinic. In fact I've never seen a dr. there. And she's has been on my case way too much about what I eat. I have told her over and over that Hot Pockets for $2.00 a box is all I can afford.

So I will stop going again for the 2nd time. I'll probably stick to my treatment, but the Trazadone ain't knocking me out no more. Seriously time for me to move to Colorado if I could afford it instead of being trapped in backwoods, neanderthal, southern state I'm in.

So GA isn't good for you, let's find a new home for you. Your GP is crap and you can't get food assistance which you need to not stroke out. We can do this. Why do you want to go to Colorado? Where in Colorado?

The frustration your feeling is overwheling at times. Bipolar is a beast. Follow the advice Miguels Mom has given she knows all about services that could work for you.

You and only you can work towards feeling better and it is possible.

But we are here to help. Vent all you want and need to ! Your not alone

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You're not alone in the work situation, I think a lot of us find ourselves in your position.
Can't comment on OCD but I will comment on your blood pressure medication. Don't think for one minute stroking out is a better solution to your problems right now.

Please take your meds

I'm thinking about suicide more than I have in years.

But a stroke? What if you live and are just more messed up than now? I think you should take the meds.

I've been skipping doses the last 2 weeks because

1) not spending money on them any longer because food, vehicle insurance, and other necessities in life are
more pertinent than meds and dr visits

2) only reason I started the meds was because mental clinic used fear tactic on me

3) can't afford it

4) if mental health clinic finally gets this mental crap corrected, I may could be employable again so I could.
afford it

5) because I've had a partial stroke before, lost feeling in my fingertips for 6 months. I survived and never
went to a dr. I may not get that lucky again, and in fact I don't think I want to because I have nothing to live
for

6) please don't start with you have family to live for. I only have siblings. I assure you they are not living
their lives to please me

Have you applied for food stamps? Harvest one September Menu is in your area so you maybe able to get good food cheap through them.

There's a list on your local walmart pharmacy page of $4 prescriptions. Have your doctors go off that list for your blood pressure medication.

Is there an option for partial hospitalization in your clinic? I really think with your situation that may be the only way to stabilize.

I will say this .... Your already having a stroke albeit mild puts you at a higher risk for another .. Not all stokes lead to death. Many lead to being so affected that you wind up in a nursing home setting because you have lost control of your body , Maybe loose the ability to eat or speak of take care of yourself on any level. I worked health care and have seen people just suffer for years..Image being stuck in your body and not be able to communicate?.. Its not something that you would want to happen?

If your blood pressure meds are to expensive trust me there are cheaper ones available.. Just explain to your doctor your financial situation.