Why did I do something so stupid?

I've been doing the group therapy about 3 weeks now. Had some ups and downs. It's been nice getting my meds on track and seeing I'm not alone in all this. Yesterday all of a sudden I started getting really intrusive thoughts that it would be really fun to cut myself, feel the pain, watch it bleed. So much fun! So I started scratching, trying to kill the urge, or at least take the edge off. I took my prescribed doses of my PRN anxiety and mania meds, hoping that would help, they didn't. The urge just slowly drowned out the part of my brain that was screaming how bad an idea this was. Just to injure, not kill. Just injure and bleed and hurt a bit, the adrenaline rush. It wasn't until I found myself in the bathroom hoping to find a straight razor or something that would do a better job with my nails that I realized I needed help.

I went to the ER, and they gave me another dose of the Zyprexa on top of what I'd already taken. Thankfully that helped immensely. They almost kept me overnight. I think if it weren't for the fact that I was going straight to bed when I got home and to group the next day they likely would have.

I haven't had the urge to cut in 15 years. I'm not depressed, though I have been hypo for weeks and mixed the last week or so. The only trigger I can think of is we upped my Topomax last week. My T, who I saw today, seems to think it's a symptom of my hypo, cause my spending has gone up again too. Who knows who's right? I see my pdoc Wednesday, so we'll see what her opinion is. I just know the urge is gone now and I'm left with the regret and kicking my self saying why the hell did I do something so stupid? And caring for the cuts so they don't get infected. Fingernails can inflict a ton of damage!

I get those thoughts all to often that's usually when I take my PRN. It wasn't stupid, it just was. Are you going to be able to talk to someone about it tomorrow?

I see my pdoc tomorrow. I hope it's not the Topomax, cause we're supposed to bump it up again tomorrow.

Forgive yourself. You always do your best.
We learn through the pain of our mistakes.
You have felt enough pain.
Resolve not to think about hurting yourself.
All of our actions are rooted in our beliefs and thoughts.
There are healthy ways to find excitement

i have the same thoughts too more frequently than usual. the only thing that keeps me from acting upon them is the thought of what will my son think of me doing this. he is only 5 but he is my world and i try to keep my problems away from him even though i know one day he will have to be coping with this himself. what if they take him away cuz i cut myself too deep one day . i would kill myself if he was taken from me.

I've done te same thing. Once I dropped a salsa jar and broke it and before I even knew what happened I had a piece of broken glass in one hand and my other arm was bleeding. And I wasn't upset, I wasn't hypo, I wasn't depressed...I just saw the broken glass and went for it. But I forgave myself. You did the right thing by going to the ER. You only scratched yourself, you didn't hurt yourself badly, you were able to catch it before it got to that point. We all have slip ups from time to time. You handled it the right way.

Those words are so real and so touching

Thank you for being here

Saw my program pdoc, she agreed with my program T that the cutting urge was probably a symptom of my hypomania and upped my Topomax. I have one more appointment with her on Tuesday before I discharge from the program. I have an appointment Wednesday with an outpatient T, and from there I'm supposed to get a referral for a new pdoc, but my program pdoc gave me enough meds that will hopefully carry me til I get in with the new pdoc. At least I'm not feeling so flippy emotionally anymore, so I think the Topomax is working.

Glad you're feeling better!

Glad you're doing a bit better. Thanks for letting us know.