just wanting to talk...

Hi there,

I don't really have a question...I just wanted to write and let things out..my depression really started to lift in April of this year. I felt really good. I had lost weight and was working out regularly and was putting a lot of energy into my yard and house and making it feel as homey as possible. In May I met someone through a mutual friend while throwing a small get together at my house. We instantly hit it off. Chemistry was amazing and we both felt like we had found our soul mates. After a couple months of dating, he started becoming verbally abusive towards me and whenever I showed any emotion, he accused me of being weak and any argument/disagreement we had, he would pin it all on me. I tried breaking up with him but he would dodge the question. I get the feeling that this is how his past long term relationship was like and for some reason felt this behavior was appropriate. It was really starting to take a toll on my mental well being so I broke it off. Anytime you break up with someone, you get bummed out. I felt pretty ****** all of August and then earlier this month, another ex of mine passed away. He was my first real love and we had lived with each other (the only bf I have ever lived with). I hadn't talked to him or seen him in about 2 years (we broke up 2 and a half years ago). He basically drank himself to death over the past couple years due to depression/PTSD. I guess it's good that I didn't see him or know that he was going downhill so quickly. Our mutual friends kept it from me. I know a death is tough on anyone - bipolar or not - but I think this is pushed me into depression againI'm starting to cry randomly, my house and yard is a disaster, and I'm having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings even though I slept 8-9 hrs. I've been getting out of the house as much as possible - trying not to isolate and trying not to feel pressured to keep to a tight, rigid schedule as it might stress me out if I go off track. My brother passed away a couple years ago from suicide (depression/bipolar?) so I guess lately I felt like I keep getting **** on. I know this depression will lift again and I will meet someone better (hopefully) and I'm trying to be proactive about it before it worsens...I just wanted to 'talk'...a lot of my new friends do not know i have bipolar so i just been bottling in and trying to hide my depression as much as possible.

Wow .. I am so sorry you have had to deal with so much heart ache in such a short time.. Losing someone we loved once regarless of the last time you saw this person is still a loss.. Im glad you got out of what really was a abusive relationship.. Very smart move !

Do you have a Therapist ? They can walk you through the process of grieving and learn ways to find healthy relationships and coping skills to boot...

I think you will find everyone here is fighting a battle of some sort and always willing to lend and ear or a shoulder.. Just keep letting it all out. Try to engage in life around you, even slow small things at a time.. Find a hobby or something that you once enjoyed and just try to give it a go even in small doses..

We are here for you . PM me anytime

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Depression sucks but it sounds like you are doing the right things to try and deal with it. It will get better. Take care.

I can so relate. I'm trying to break free of an emotionally abusive relationship. It really does a number on a person, especially when dealing with all the "other" issues in life. In deciding it's over and trying to make this happen - I have started a downhill spiral that I am hoping will soon subside. I go from crying relentlessly (how embarrassing for someone to see that) to feeling nothing at all. Numb.

I know you just wanted to get this off your chest - but I can so relate to what you are going through mentally.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. I'm not to happy with my therapist right now so I haven't seen her in like a month. I have signed up to volunteer for NAMI in my area with public relations and fundraising so I"m sure that will help me feel good that I can help with mental illness awareness and know that I'm doing something good for humanity

You might want to try a new therapist. There are so many out there, that you don't have to stay with someone who makes you not want to see them. And believe me, once you find the right therapist (they are all either very similar or very different), it is as if heaven sent you a lifeboat.

Yes, I know. I will prob most likely find one, just taking a break from talk therapy for a while.

Although you're going through depression, I must say you come across as a strong person, and i think you really are. Breaking off an abusive relationship takes courage. And you had it.
I'm sorry for your losses. I could see you cared for both of them.
It's good you're trying to recover, and if you don't like your present therapist, i hope you find a good one soon.
Try seeing the good aspects of life, as much as you can ^_^
Hope your yard looks better *huuug*