And so it Begins...again...

Hi Guys,
I'm new here. I've made my introduction in the appropriate area. I feel the need to write down my story which I'm sure you've all heard from others and maybe yourselves again and again so thanks in advance for your patience.

I was diagnosed bipolar I in 1999 or so after my first hospitalization. I was 34. I knew I was bipolar anyway years before the diagnosis. All the "behaviour" was there. I was a pretty heavy drug user at the time (Pot and Cocaine mostly) which of course was self medicating. It worked for a while then inevitably got out of hand and I couldn't control it any longer.

Anyway, my new shiny pdoc started me on my mediation journey. I won't bother listing the meds. It would take too long. You name it and was on it or had been on it. This one didn't work so they put me on that one, which didn't work so they put me on a coctail of different meds and they didn't work, so on and so on. After 3 years of trial and error, I got to the point where I stopped them all and went back to smoking pot, which actually worked for a while and I could manage it. As long as I was in a manic phase. Forget the cocaine. For me there is no managing that.

I was usually on the manic end for years so the pot helped. Then It switched around 2005 to being heavily skewed to the depressive side with brief periods of mania. Another hospitalization, so I gave up pot. I was actually in a sort of remission for years where the swings were very small and infrequent. Then BAM 3 years ago it all came crashing down again. Not only were the swings huge but they even developed into mixed states that scared the crap out of me and the people around me. The things I was doing and saying. You guys know. I was a total mess and got into a lot of trouble for a couple of years.

So feeling older and wiser and more patient, I found another pdoc and started all over again. Trying this and that mixed with this and that, blah, blah, blah. After about a year into it (end of 2013) I finally found a cocktail that was actually working with minimal side effects. Lamictal, Effexor, Topomax, Klonopin with a small dose of prozac of all things. I was cured. Not.

This past March, suddenly everything unravelled again. Massive weight gain, severe depression, anxiety like I've never felt before, irratability, aggression, etc. So I stopped the meds again. Clearly a pattern of mine. Since then, things have gotten really bad. I can't hold a job, my wife of 21 years who is the most understanding supportive person I've ever met is reaching her limits. She doesn't like me on meds because she says I lose a little spark when on them but prefers meds to none at all, I'm recently finding out. I hate the meds though, always have.

So to make a long story longer (apologies) I'm still medication-less, because I absolutely hate meds, no life, isolated, extremely depressed, etc. I've got other major issues not related to bipolar that are qnawing away at my soul, mainly sexual orientation issues I've dealt with (or not dealt with) my whole life, among other things.

I did email my last pdoc yesterday to let him know what's been going on. He was fairly cold and told me to let him know if and when I wanted to get back on the meds and to contact him immediately if things get worse or if I feel suicidal. I'm trying to hold on.

I'll give you guys a break now, those of you if any, that read the whole thing. Thanks for letting me share.

-bpguy

It takes forever to find the right cocktail. Took me 9 years. I think we finally have it. I put on weight, lost weight, put on weight, lost weight. Moods up and down, round and round....Manic depressed. Its so crazy. So frustrating.

My pdoc changed this summer, I had no control over it. It was the best thing that happened. She started me in therapy on top of medication. I decided to take hold and take control so I exercise on a regular bases. I quite a job that gave me anxiety ( I was blessed to be able to do so). I changed surround friendship. I went to my regular doctor for a check up and got put on estrogen (a positive thing). I started to journal. I set goals and stuff to look forward to. I just took hold of it. No more bipolar controlling me, I control it.

I guess what Im saying is dont give up. Read up on medication. Read the side effects and see if it might be for you. Work out at a gym or take up walking around your neighborhood. (if you have a dog, take her. She would love it)

I hope I helped giving you food for thought.

Sounds like your roller coaster climbs a bit higher than mine, but I get where you are at. I was Dx 8 years ago, and still don't have a cocktail that helps. Just starting out on finding what works again after a year of no meds. I am trying with a new pdoc and therapist, but the things I am doing for myself are making the most difference so far ... Mindfulness, walking, keeping a good sleep schedule, resting without guilt. Accepting that my life path is not what I imagined 20 years ago in college ... And that that isn't a bad thing. Hold on

I'm in the same medication boat. Managed without for six years and then everything went crazy. Now trying meds again. Found a good cocktail but then got all cocky and said **** meds and went off and screwed everything up. Now I can't find anything that works. I'm about to say **** meds again because nothing is working. At least without meds I got the highs. Now I just have this crushing low.

I think it might be possible to find the right combination if you're patient enough but I'm not patient.

Really I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm sorry you're going through such a terrible depression. I am too and it sucks. You'll find a lot of support here.

Thanks guys for the replies. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my particular scenario. I think that I also need to figure out how to deal with my triggers, one of which I mentioned toward the end of my post. I saw a sexual issues forum that I think I may have to start reading and posting to. Hopefully it will help.

Thanks again.