So Fed up with this Illness

Currently I am in hospital and have received 6 ECT treatments and med changes. I am still feeling very irritable and agitated and low. The despair is creeping in as I wonder if i will ever be able to function well again. Today I see my doctor and I really need some hope from him as I have run out of hope. My life is generally in a good place it is just this illness stealing all my joy and cognitive capacity. I cannot live this way anymore. I need hope that it can change, and soon.

Sorry to be a downer, I just needed to get this off my chest and try to do all I can to hang in there through this storm. I hate how this illness robs me of so much and gives so little. MY heart wants to give up on it all but I am stubborn and refuse to give up even though the fat lady has sang her woeful tune. Still I can't hang on indefinitely. I see my doctor later today so hopefully he will have some hope for me to cling on to. I feel so damn tormented, it is truly awful.

I really hope your doctor can give you hope and you can start enjoying life.

I've been feeling the same way as of recently. Lately I've been doing really small silly things to try and stay hopeful like making a list of my favorite things, things I don't want to miss out on. Stuff like old favorite movies I haven't seen in forever or red velvet cupcakes which I haven't made in forever. Little things to give you purpose and hope. That might not work for you, but I just thought I'd mention it. You will come out of this. This downward spiral won't last forever. There is hope.

Thanks so much for your replies guys. Just saw my pdoc and he is ceasing the ECT and putting me back on Lithium as it is the only drug that seems to stabilize me. He is also adding Risperdol to help with the agitation but I have never had it before so we'll see how that goes. (anyone had this med??) If I improve in the next few days I may be able to be discharged by the weekend but that is a big IF as I will have needed to improve significantly. I still have little hope but I am willing to wait this out to see if it all helps. Doing small things does help LilacLime so thanks for the reminder. It is hard being in hospital away from usual routine and distractions. So far I am hanging in there by a thread but at least I have a great deal of support around me and for that I am truly thankful. I doubt I could carry on without it.

Hang in there. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you. Just take it one day at a time. Or hour by hour. Try not to think too far ahead. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Sending you positive vibes

I'm also in a depressive phase but thank God it's beginning to lift. I believe that in time you will be able to find the right combo of meds for you and lead a fruitful life. It does suck to have to deal with these terrible mood swings so I was wondering if you have any healthy coping methods? Try exercise, vitamins and supportive friends and family - my T advises me to do these too.

Please take care and know that all of us here are behind you in these difficult times

Sending you positive thoughts, wander. I have been on risperdal, it really helped me. It was one of the only drugs that did help me. So it might help you too. Give it a chance. I hope you feel better soon and I'm sorry the ECT didn't do it for you this time. You will feel better. You will.

I think the meds get older then the illness. For me anyhow. I am surprised you can have a computer in the hospital. I could never have that stuff. I hope you get well!

I've been in a depressive state for several days now. I haven't posted because when I'm depressed I don't have the energy to do anything. All I want to do is sleep. I mean really, all I do is lay around, cry, and think about death and suicide.

The fact that I've posted here a couple of times today must mean that the fog is starting to lift.
I've been reminding myself of what we always tell each other here, just take it hour by hour.
Don't get fooled into believing that what we are feeling now is forever.

Yes, posting is a good sign. Things will get better. Hugs coming your way.

Thanks again everyone. Today I feel a tiny bit better so that may be the beginnings of a recovery of some sort. Only my second day on Risperdol and it seems to be going well. I must have worn myself out pacing as I am utterly exhausted now and can't stop sleeping. I am still agitated but perhaps not as bad as yesterday. Perhaps there is hope I can stablize to some kind of 'normal'. Today I see my therapist so that will help me put things into perspective. I am supposed to be back at work on Sunday but feeling the way I do i couldn't do my job so I may have to ask for more time off and may have to give the reason, which I am afraid to do. I could always lie I guess but I hate lying. I wouldn't go into diagnosis, maybe just say I had depression or something easier to digest. I am casual also so I am not getting paid at the moment which is stressful in itself. Did I mention I hate this illness. I am trying to cling onto hope and all the support I am getting here and in real life but I am still suicidal, which is a worry. the treatment was supposed to get rid of that but it hasn't. Maybe I just need more time.