[kmarie]

I am bipolar 1 and currently off most of my meds so I can get pregnant. My physchiatrist is helping me. But my husband is not. He says he understands me. But I don't see it. I started tapering my meds back in September and since I have it seems like my bipolar is worse than before I got diagnosed. I have made so many mistakes in my past and I can't get away from them and I can't change them. My husband does not want me discussing anything with anybody but when I talk to him, he puts me down and says to use my brain (as a child I was gifted and talented now I am 40 don't know if it's the meds or the illness worsening, I don't think right at all). He calls me the B word and I don't want to be that way but I am acting that way. I have been so irritable for months that it is pushing into the violence stages. My thoughts are everywhere. I am rapid cycling and am trying to cope alone. He told me suicide is for cowards. I suppose that is just what I am. I have tried ti seriously. Now I am not doing anything about it. I trink about it several times a day. I can't talk to him, though he said I could because he will blame it on something else everything but my illness and everything but support me. I have been married before, I refuse to run away this time, I have done that in the past. I love him and I love the children. I'm just scared, I feel out of control of my life. I Can't control my moods or myself. I am losing my family. Just lke that....just like that. It feels like everything i worked for is in the toilet. I thought i was better but I am not I am worse. Maybe just someone who understands would help, I DOn't know anything anymore. I don't know me. I don't know who I am, that is very very scary. I am so overwhelmed with dark feelings and I cry alone not in front of the kids making excuses like I have a headache or I have to go to the bathroom. Bipolar is ruining me.

[EJ711]

Hi K-Marie,

First of all let me say this:

Husbands -- can't live with them -- can't live without them. I'm sorry yours is being so unsupportive at this time. I think it is the rare man who has the emotional vocabulary to make us feel loved and cared for. His love is probably real.

Do you really think it is wise to continue pursuing pregnancy?

It sounds like you need your meds.

I think we change along the way, but I believe your talent and giftedness is still inside you. It sounds like your bipolar, without your meds, has come to the surface and has taken center stage, and will rule you until you get back on your meds.

Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

PC is a great place, with a lot of supportive and knowledgeable people. Welcome!!!

Hugs,

EJ

I think it's risky for you to stay off your meds if your mood is going down so fast & so far. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to scoff at. Talk to your doc right away.--Suzy

[vanna123]

Talk to your doc -- my friend had 2 pregnancies while on meds- they just had to change them

[kmarie]

Thank you so much for your input guys, at least someone to listen is better than internalizing. I am staying on the only safe medications I can take. Unfortunately, they are not enough. I am in a no win. I want to have a baby so there is a double edged sword at work here which is going to make things worse. I don't know about you, but I am my own worst enemy. I can't see the doctor for a while she is away and there is noone covering and I refuse going back to a mental hospital. Really, if I can't exist in this life, the hospital is not an option. Thanks again

[babs92]

kmarie

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. As Vanna said I am sure your doctors can change your meds, what were you on before?

I hope you have got an appointment by now with your doctor, let us know how you get on.

best wishes

[(JD)]

kmarie, I'm wondering how you are doing on this venture. I think that your health and relationship situation needs to be as good as it can be before bringing a child into the situation. Unfortunately we all have to make tough decisions at times, based upon what reality is and not what we want or desire. (((hugs))) I think that's what's called being and acting like an adult.

I've read elsewhere that your spouse isn't quite cooperating lately, how is that going now? Are you sure about why you wish to have (another?) child?

Please take care of you first. I know that many ppl are raised to think that taking care of oneself FIRST is only being selfish, but they were (and are) wrong about it... it's only good.

TC!

[January]

Hi KMarie,

Please call your t and your pdoc right away. You need your meds and you need your t and pdoc's wise counsel regarding what is happening with you.

Please take good care of you.

Jan