I'm tired of this...

I don't know how to float. It scares me. I'm afraid that if I float and stop fighting the darkness will take over.

Unfortunately I can relate tigersassy Huggles your way

See Pdoc next Thursday. The day before my birthday. I doubt she'll change anything stating I'll need a few weeks for the lamictal to build up in my system cause I start the 300mg on Sunday. I don't want to do this anymore.

When I took Lamictal, it took about two weeks to start feeling a slight difference. It really helped alleviate the depression symptoms. Be proud of yourself-you're doing the right things to take care of yourself, you're engaging your p-doc. It may not seem like a lot but it takes a lot of courage to be an advocate for yourself.

You found that place - it's HERE

Hang in there, Tigersassy. Work can be so hard and bosses/people in general can be assholes. Hang in there.

Darvula

My health should be more important than a job. This job and these bosses make my health worse. So I should quit... but I can't because I wouldn't be able to afford my health care. I'm just screwed. Double edged sword that's going too slice me two ways.

I know. I am having issues at work too, and it sucks that we have to put up with so much just for the money. It makes we want to live in a cave somewhere.

Darvula

It scarey thought... but it's much needed at times. shake off all the parts that are bringing your life down until you have the basics , your wife, your job and sleeping and eating enough .. Focus just on those 4 things, rein your thoughts in when they race to "fix you" The more overstressed you will feel.

Please learn to use Mindfulness... It's a massively useful tool . Live in the moment, don't worry about an hour from now or a day, or "will I ever feel better" just moment by moment. That is "floating"

Bipolar always always cycles

I gotta do what makes me feel better. Gotta let it go. Minimize what my brain obsesses over. Break...

Exactly

7years ago I did work on mindfulness. I never did fully develop my skills though. It was something that my first t had me try. I'm going to work on that and yoga and meditation.

Yep. It's the only way.

Darvula

The more I try to not think about things the more they pop up. Like right now Pdoc dxed me with bipolar 1. I wonder if it's going to effect my job more. I've already gotten in trouble a few at the end of September. Bipolar 1 can cause issues with relationships... I don't like this...

Bipolar is a Bytch, but don't let it turn into a Monster ! You can and will cycle out of this, same as you cycled out of it 2-3 months ago ... Self ground ! and yes Mindfulness should and needs to be your best friend. You can handle this, just breathe and stay in the moment.. Dont think about tomorrow or next week , just think of right now and allow your medications to do there job .

What drives me crazy right now is I'm good for a while during the day and then I'll crash and start crying. I don't understand that or maybe I do and it is my meds starting to work they just aren't lasting all day. This morning though I've been in a good mood. Even felt like I was a good wife. Like I was able to be intimate major thing for me when I've been depressed. It's good today so far. One minute at a time. Embrace the good/improved mood. Thank you everyone.

Wtf. This is ridiculous. I'm so freaking irritated with everything. It's been a good few days, but everything is irritating the hell outta me. If this is an upswing this is bs. I can't ****ing take the yoyo rollercoaster bs. Even the mindfulness meditations I've been doing aren't helping. I really need to get control over this. I can't be this way at work. At least I can bite my tongue for a bit before I blurt out what is going on. I hate this. I hate being like this, but I shoulda ****ing figured after the whole not wanting sleep and the revved up more at work the past few days. I just want to find what works because this mix obviously isn't. I don't know what to do to calm down. This is bad because these feelings are turned in on myself which I guess could classify this as a mixed episode. My depressed thoughts are running a mile a min and smacking me in the face each time they pass making sure I know they are there. I feel like my skin it's crawling and I just want to scratch it off. I'm also typing this too fast so if there are mistakes I apologize. I wished off come out of the depression, I guess I did. Watch what you wish for. Pdoc on Thursday. 2days away well 1because it's early in the day on Thursday. Fml. Aren't meds supposed to make this better? I bet the seroquel goes back up or there'll be a change out. Who knows though. I'm going to try and make myself go to sleep because I know I need to. Grrrrrrrrrr....!!! Why can't my brain be fixed? This isn't normal and it isn't right. I want to cry and scream and beat the **** out of things. I want to take a baseball bat to the walls and myself. Control... I need control of something. What do you cling to when the walls are smooth and seamless? Nails dig into the walls gain control of this. Sleep... must make myself sleep....

I hope you are able to get some sleep- sleep always helps.

I can relate to so much of what you have written. I had to let go and float these past few days. I had been up and down and up and down and Saturday had to call my family to pick me up on the interstate bc I was going to drive into a pole.

I have almost completely unraveled and am now trying to put myself back together. I am 38 and it seems to be getting worse.

Are you able at all to take a leave of absence from work? As to what to cling to when the walls are smooth...that's a toughie. I guess the hope that it won't always be this way.

No one in real life knows how this feels and I feel very alone in my pain. Thank you for writing this thread- made me feel less alone.

I can't take a leave of absence. I can't afford it. Not to mention I'm all out of sick time.

I don't want to seem like im taking away from your feelings but i feel EXACTLY what you feel right now...right now! EVERY WORD. As horrible as it all is I find .098% comfort that SOMEONE understands how I feel without me even having to say it.
THank you for sharing.

My corporate office sent out an email asking for all employees to self identify if they have a disability. They say they won't use it against you. I don't believe that. I don't want to fill it out. I fell like everyone knows what's going on in my head. I slept not well but I slept. I kept jerking awake and I have no idea why. It was like I was being jolted with a tazer. Want to beat my head against the brick wall.