[sorand0m]

Still here. Feeling a bit better at the moment if a little teary.

I'm still self-medicating against my better judgement and I'm still waiting to see my psychiatrist. I've had a flight of idea's and thought's recently and a few things I started but just haven't got around to finish. It hit me a couple of days ago and I can't get a thought out of my head now.

I'm regarded as incredibly intelligent (not by myself, I might add) and here I am with all these projects that I'll never finish. Mood swings that leave me with whiplash. Self-medicating 'cause the other drugs don't work and in such a mess that I don't know what's happening next.

Oh my god, I'm actually crazy.

[tipper1492]

None of my business but will ask anyway if you wish to reveal. What kind of self medications? Of course you can say keeping that personal. I had, before we sold our other home and moved, a number of wood structures I never finished before I was ever diagnosed BP. The size and time to finish the wood buildings were too long and expensive to start with. I now know it all was due to me being BP. I'd lie in bed thinking all about what and how I needed to design the project. Then without, or with drawn plans, during on site work, I'd change something. I'm happier now that I do not flood my brain with such projects. I must also have OCD and compulsive to say the least.

[Mountainbard]

Hi sorand0m-- I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Remember you inability to finish projects has nothing to do with your intelligence. It is a product of your mental illness. When I've been hypomanic I've started dozens of projects which, if I could have seen things clearly, I would have had to admit I would never finish. As for the self-medicating, I would suggest trying to find an AA-type meeting in your area. You don't have to stand up and call yourself an alcoholic to attend one, but it sounds as if you really do need some support to stop the self-medicating. As I'm sure you're aware, the self-medicating doubly sabotages you. There are the deleterious effects of whatever drug you're using, and then there's the fact that the drugs' effects sabotage the efficacy of whatever prescribed meds you're supposed to be taking.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi sorandim

I certainly don't think you're crazy at all.

I just think you could be in the midst of an episode coupled with anxiety due to external pressure that you are taking.

Glad to hear that you will be seeing your pdoc soon.

Take it easy and thanks for the update.

[newtothis31]

Be kind to yourself. You're not crazy; you're doing your best to handle some symptoms caused by BP. Take it easy; know that you are doing the right things by seeing your p-doc and keep us updated on how you're feeling.

[sorand0m]

Mountain; Thank you for your thoughts. I know that I'm basically sabotaging myself for the future, but at this moment in time as awful as it sounds I just can't care. It's a double edged sword and I can't get myself out of it. I do take prescribed medication as well to add to it as well as Diazepam taken as needed.

Thanks for posting guys. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment and it's mainly caused by the bipolarity of my moods and the situation I find myself in. I self medicate with what is probably the worst type of drug to use and I know the harm it's doing.

I was in work the other day, halfway on another planet. And it provided relief from the thoughts inside my head.