[kmptrgeek]

Let me do a quick introduction and background to begin with:

2 years ago I was admitted into a behavioral hospital for suicidal thoughts. I spent 3 weeks inside, and ended up getting way too close to a fellow patient and had a month-long affair after being released (we were released on the same day). It almost cost me my marriage. I was originally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I switched both psychologists and psychiatrists about a year and a half ago. They both came to a different diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and my psychiatrist began modifying my meds. They both came to this conclusion because they are convinced I had slipped into a full-blown manic episode while in the hospital and at least a month after. I had never had anything like an affair, and it absolutely blew everyone I know away. I lost most of my friends, mentors, close family members...pretty much everyone but my amazing wife. I have 4 degrees including 2 Masters degrees from a seminary...not that that is anything that should shock anyone if they've watched any TV in the last 30 years. We seminarians tend to stray. I have since learned that I am not only bipolar, but a "rapid cycling" bipolar.

So, to my question...has anyone gone from a hypomanic episode to a full-on panic attack with uncontrollable weeping and shaking within a 5 minute span of time? That happened to me the other day for the first time. I swing all the time, but this was drastic and really really scary. I didn't even know I was hypomanic (I was tracking my mood as depressed) until my therapist told me the things I was saying point more to a hypomanic episode than depression.

I keep a very detailed and constant track of my moods, sleep patterns and medications, and I was convinced I was getting very good at tracking my mood swings. But now...I'm totally confused and not sure I know what is going on with me at all. My psychiatrist essentially said I wouldn't know I was hypomanic when I was hypomanic (or God help me...manic). I wouldn't know until either someone (ie. my therapist) told me, or after the fact looking back at the symptoms.

So here I am, confused and scared...and now something is flipping a switch that takes me from a 7 to a 2 in minutes.

Just as some added information, I have been having severe insomnia for the last 5 to 6 months (I went 36 hours without sleep the other day/night) that can only be controlled by taking 50 mg of Trazadone coupled with 50 mg of Seroquel at night...and a lot of times that doesn't even work. I have also recently began to think about "her" (that's what my wife and I call the woman I had the affair with) a lot more than I would like to, and I've been getting more and more irritated with my wife. I really don't like where that's headed.

Anyway...I just really wanted to interact with some other people dealing with being bipolar, because I think we are the only ones who can truly understand what each other are going through.

Thanks...

[pink&grey]

I think the sleep is where you've got to focus because it's going to effect all things. Talk to pDoc about it and take extra care. It sounds like you are in a very tough spot right now.

[ozzy1313]

My whole life I thought my anger and rage and irritation was depression. I have since been told that is how my hypomania sometimes manifests.

I have been rapid cycling for past few months. Not as fast as every hour, but I never know how my day will be.

I have also had affair issues (sexting, kissing...obsessing over idea of affair). I have brought that up a bit with my husband but not in detail. Being inpatient with someone it is so easy to form and instant bond. I was only inpatient when I was in high school but I ended up hooking up with another guy teen while there. Relationships inpatient are totally different from "real life" relationships. Could the fact that you are thinking about the woman now indicate that another episode is happening?

[newtothis31]

It is so hard to control your bi-polar without having the right amount of sleep. I really feel for you.

With being hypomanic- the symptoms can be recognizable. For me- the big trigger point is not being able to sleep- not having the ability to be calm & rational. With depression- I tend to lean towards inaction (e.g., being physically unable to move- get out of bed in the morning)

Have there been any trigger points for you with the sleep?

Keep in mind you're still dealing with transitioning to life after impatient so don't be too hard on yourself.

[kmptrgeek]

I've contacted my psych and told him I'd like to modify my bedtime meds to see if I can get back to my "normal" sleep patterns. I've got to get off Seroquel. I have a reaction to it that makes me very irritable and cold. It's so unfair to my wife.

The thing is...my whole routine has been derailed for about 3 weeks now. I know routine is extremely important for those of us who are bipolar.

As far as triggers, I've been really frustrated because I didn't catch the sleeping problem. I thought that the insomnia was a symptom of my depression...but I didn't realize I wasn't "needing" the sleep. I just knew I wasn't getting any. And I totally missed other triggers that if I had seen someone else in the same situation I'd bet they were hypo instead of depressed. For instance, 2 week's ago I bought 2 brand new MINI Coopers. One for my wife and one for me. DUH! I can afford them, but I didn't haggle or anything...I just went in and said I want that one and that one.

I don't know...I just feel like I'm getting worse rather than better. I was on a pretty good roll there. I am very detail oriented and analytical. I'm in the computer industry, so it kind of comes with the environment. So I've been keeping track of a lot of things so I could find patterns and triggers. I thought I almost had it down to where I could almost control my moods because I could head off the depression or hypomania before it happened. But now...I have no idea. It's frustrating.

I've never been the type to join and post in forums. But being able to read what other people who are like me are feeling and experiencing is like I've found the Rosetta Stone. It seems we speak a different language...and somebody can understand what I'm trying to say even though I'm painting pictures that others can't seem to "get". That alone has made me feel so good it's hard to find the words.

At any rate, hopefully my doc (who is a genius) can get my meds straight so I can get back into my circadian rhythm (as my therapist list to call it) and get back on my routine.