good news and a request for help from people who helped me get her two years ago

I am officially two years into living free from abuse! And honestly, I have nobody but you my friends (and my own spirit, which was damaged but not broken) to thank for this.

I have not seen my daughters for those two years, though, and ex H did everything possible to protract the psychological assessment by a court-appointed psychologist. But finally she is about to issue her report. Susan is the name of the psychologist, and ex chose her because her office is close to his apt, but still he caused severe delays, and now Susan is angry. Really bad things happened (more on them below), but I sort of view it as "the worse, the better" - the more horrible ex' behavior, the more his true nature will be revealed.

Some of his pranks:
- for 5 months, he did not have a lawyer. During that time, he attempted to see all my credit card statements for the past two years. The judge threw out his motion as an invasion of privacy - I had submitted tax returns, paystubs, and disability stubs (I am now on short term state disability and about to go off it and start looking for a job), so I was completely transparent, but he wanted to see my whole life as it is visible through the credit card statements because I rarely use cash and he knows it. Plus, he automatically gets 1/4 of my disability income.
- also during those months when he did not have a lawyer, he sued MY LAWYER for HARASSMENT in a civil court, alleging that my lawyer did not speak respectfully enough about ex' disability. Again, the motion was denied.
- in the spring, I sent the girls handmade birthday cards, recorded videos for them, sent a song "Oh my Julia" by Smokie to my Julia (the younger girl), and sent gifts. They did not respond. He said that I was cyberstalking them. I looked up cyberstalking in CA and it is actually a serious crime, so he defamed me by falsely accusing me.
- it turned out that his former attorney failed to send my attorney a short invitation to spend the Mother's day together in... 2013. So the girls were under the impression that I ignored the invitation. A lot of other outrageous things have happened, and the girls, based on the interviews conducted by the psychologist (Susan) simply repeat their father's words. Very sad.
- this is the big one -- once ex started to realize that Susan is going to recommend a full scope custody evaluation, which is called 730 in California, and not just say: "Oh, the girls are not ready to see their mother, case closed", he started accusing her of violating professional standards, threatening her with a complaint to the board, demanding all his money back and threatening to contact his credit card company and ask them to help him collect his money. That happened when he was not represented. Since then he has hired an attorney and is more under control with her, an Susan is about to issue the report to the court - at last. The report will not be binding, but at least it will be a professional opinion and Robert, my lawyer, says that the judge will listen to that opinion. So basically Susan is going to say that the situation is very complex, recommend 730 and give her input. She is meeting with me for the last time on Monday and my homework is to organize all the information that I have asked her to include in the report. We have had several sessions - one in Dec 2013 and a few in summer 2014 - and there were email exchanges. So I will make a spreadsheet with one point per row, illustrating with examples or quoting email evidence. I am going to come up with a list of points by reviewing email exchanges and post it, asking you - is the list organized well? Am I asking her to include too much, possibly distracting attention from key issues to minor issues? Did I overlook an important point (I might, because I am inside the situation and my vision is skewed). Will post soon! Just need to quickly go buy cat food cans - we have run out.

I have also made a photo album for the psychologist - two pictures are attached. I thought a picture would be worth a thousand words...

Hammy,

I am sitting here in tears

All this brutal hell your ex has done to you and your girls, I really hope he rots in hell for all the abuse on all levels, Karma will indeed visit him.

You are such a strong woman to keep moving forward and handling all kinds of utter ******** from him left and right. Not many people could handle it at all.

I hope that things will be settled and you can hopefully build up your relationships with your daughters.

Your Amazing , never forget that.

I agree with Christina. I would have folded under the pressure and the sadness long ago. Your strength is an inspiration to me. A million supportive caring hugs.

I was actually rendered speechless after reading this thread. Took me a while to be able to return and type...


When I think of all you've been through during your marriage and post marriage, Idk how you've managed to survive.


I do know this though:


I am damn proud of you, you have come a long way since joining as that lost and bent soul.


You've clawed your way out of his mental and emotional clutches, deleted his brainwashing, and installed new positive software. You've done your absolute best to recover and evolve into the Hammy we all know and love today.


You my dear deserve a bloody medal, trophy or wax model or something. You really do.


I hope you give yourself credit for the journey you have embarked on and the milestones you have reached.


Ps. Seems organized to me, but maybe someone else can identify something my tired mind missed.

Hold on to that strength and commitment. I hope things go well for you. You may not believe this, but I can relate so very, very much. Your story is similar to my own. I know how hard it is to go through all that. Been to court seven times, three psychological evaluations, numerous cases by children and youth (protective services), taken to attorney general for accusations and interegation all due to lies told by ex wife. Won every court, proved my innocence (don't believe that you're innocent till proved guilty- absolutely not true). You're guilty till you prove other wise. Have not seen my daughters in five years even though court ordered. Every time supposed to ex runs to new t and tells them about sexual abse charges along with other charges. T runs to protective services, I am picked up again and interrogated again. Anyhow, I could go on with the hell I have been in. I hope your situation goes much better and takes an upward swing.

Those cards are beautiful. I am so glad Susan was paying attention to all the abuse he's dealt to you and your children. I remember how scared you were that she'd just agree with him. I so proud you kept fighting when many would have given up. I hope the 730 finds in your favor. He's purposely done tons of damage to your relationships with your daughters but you will have time to fix that. I hope your ex experiences the heartache that he has caused you. I have no nice words for him but you madame I look up to, you have all my respect for how tight you've held on to hope.

A huge weight off my chest. The last appointment with Susan (the psychologist doing a non-binding report to the court) is over with. I posted planning to ask for help organizing points for her, but did not have any time for that in the end; I basically did searches in my inbox for emails sent to Susan and the month, and captured the points in a spreadsheet. I went from Dec 2013 to Aug of this year this way. I did not have time to go through the fall emails, but I know that some of them still made their way into the spreadsheet - say, if an email thread started in July and ended in Oct, my search for July emails "got" that thread, and I would review each thread as a whole. So, basically, the only emails I did not review were the ones that started in the fall. Still, I have such a long spreadsheet - it is enough.

Susan told me that I did a very good job with the spreadsheet. She said that even though she would not transfer all of it into her report due to its narrow scope, when the 730 starts (she clearly is recommending 730 to the court - this is not a speculation but her definitive statement), I would be in far less stress knowing that I have already organized my points and the supporting evidence.

My spreadsheet goes like this, column-by-column: a major point, a minor point within the major point, date, a quotation or an explanation, and a note. The quotation is mostly from email, and the date refers to the quoted email.

She told me that I could work as a forensic investigator! At first, I got scared - the word "forensic" sounded scary - but it turned out that she complimented me on the ability to organize information!

So now I will sit tight and wait for her to finish talking with Ted and the girls and issue her report.

Ted and his new attorney tried using the fact of my temp state disability to delay the process even further, but Susan told Ted's attorney that disability for the purposes of employment has no bearing on the ability to parent.

His new attorney also said that his parenting practices and mental health are not at issue and only my mental health is at issue. Susan told her that to see the whole picture, both parents must be assessed, and that is what she is recommending to the court - a thorough assessment of both parents. She told me that in her practice, she has never seen a 730 in which only one parent was evaluated from the mental health standpoint.

Ted also wanted to delay the process further by claiming that seeing Susan again would be too stressful for the girls, and that they are already under stress. Susan then called the girls' T and asked when they were last seen by the T. It turned out that it was many months ago. She then said to Ted's attorney that if the kids are under stress, they should be in regular T, and added to her list of recommendations to the court that the kids need regular T. She also is going to recommend a separate counsel for the minors to avoid triangulation.

All in all, the meeting went very well!

I am too tired to do anything tonight, but tomorrow morning I will mop the kitchen floors .

Good Job Hammy

Fantastic! Keep it up

It sounds like Susan is a very strong ally for you. Good luck. I hope it all ends well for you and you get to see your kids at long last. As for your ex, karma will surely get him. It always does in the end. I firmly believe that.

Darvula

I'm so happy for you! Keep us posted.

((hugs))!!

I noticed you were back and I happened to log in. I am glad things are going under way, but cannot believe it started back in 2011-2012. @_@!!

I hope you get the opportunity to re-establish relationships with your daughters.

Yup, it has been THAT long. And ex H and his new attorney are still trying to delay, but Susan indeed is a strong ally and she said "no" to each of their arguments. She realizes that every day matters. The girls are teens already...

Here is an update from me. Oh my, the amount of time I spent on hold trying to get through the family court services every day... hours in total. I am glad I have a speaker phone.

- Ted has not made the final appointments with Susan
- Ted cancelled the mediation which was scheduled a week from today and which I scheduled at his request
- he was supposed to provide the family court services with his availability and I was supposed to call them and reschedule based on his availability. I was calling them every business day. Finally, today a guy there took pity and told me to have my lawyer deal with it because ex H clearly is not going to cooperate.
- my attorney wrote a letter to Susan and Ted's attorney asking Susan to write the report based on the information she has collected.
- she responded saying that she would like to see the girls for one last time before releasing the report - just the girls - and gave her availability.
- I wrote asking my attorney to have Ted's attorney confirm when he schedules the appointments.

At best we would see the report in January, given the Christmas season.

So for now I will focus on the job search since there is not much I can do to speed up the report beyond what I have already done.

Ted runs half-marathons. His results are publicly available. He regularly runs half-marathons, yet claims full disability due to back pain. My lawyer told me that for $3K he could order a vocational assessment of Ted to see what Ted should be able to make working. I am not disputing that he has back pain - I am disputing that his back pain is so disabling that he cannot engage in any work activity. I mean... I would never be able to run a half-marathon!! Actually, most people would not be able to run half-marathon, and yet they work.

So as soon as I make money, I would start saving towards ordering this assessment. The idea is that the assessment would result in a wage that could then be imputed to Ted. And it won't be minimum wage because he has a college degree. So it would be higher. On SSDI one can earn 800 dollars a month and still get full SSDI payment. Why is he not doing that? A dead weight on my shoulders PLUS he has thoroughly alienated my daughters. But the truth will win over with time, I am sure!

How it all came up - an old friend of mine whom I have not seen since 1997 but with whom I reconnected over email looked up Ted's full name in Google. And those running results came up just like that. My friend originally thought it was marathons - no, half-marathons, but still. So my friend said - and this is a fully disabled person? really???

And then it dawned on me, but the thing is, it is not that I did not know. I knew. I knew very well, but it did not occur to me to put two & two together. So I started working - I made a spreadsheet noting when he ran and for long. His times are pretty good for his age category... I must say. And I would never be able to run a half-marathon at all.

Anyway, I got that spreadsheet. Obviously, the spreadsheet only records publicly available results - Big Sur Half-Marathon here, another one there, a 10K run, another 10K run etc. BUT!! he must be training in-between. One cannot run a 10K once every two months and spend the rest in bed. Only continuous training can allow somebody to maintain that kind of long distance performance.

So I shared it with my attorney, and he agreed that Ted obviously must be training in-between half-marathons and that evidence is damning. Originally we wanted to use it as a (im)moral character evidence (gaming the system), but then Robert said that it could be used to reduce my support obligations. I hope he is right...

Wow Hammy, this plot just keeps thickening and thickening!!!

I'm glad his full disability can be dis-proven, and so easily too, every dog gets his day... and Ted's day is coming soon.

Thanks for keeping us updated

You are on a roll

Hammy!

I am glad that yet more and more lies and ignorance is being found fairly easy to nail Ted to a wall.

Karma and just the plain laws of the universe will indeed bring him to his knees over all this hell you have been going through.

Once all is said and done and you post that this ugly chapter is a thing of the past, print it out and frame it.

On framing... on framing... yes. But more on framing pictures coming soon

You are so right.
Everything you do comes back to you.

About the marathons, if he is so short of money, how can he do them?
Entrance fees - $50 (just using what they cost here)
Good runners - $200
Gas, meals, etc to go to the marathon - ????
Seems shifty to me

Good catch! Good catch!! And hotels - some are not in our area. And once a year he goes to the East Coast, so airfare, too.

I guess I should be deeply grateful that he does not fly to London to run marathons there. He is being so frugal living on my money - I really should appreciate all the sacrifices he has been making.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

I'm sorry you have to wait so long but I hope with all the crap Ted is causing that he's dug his own grave. I know this sounds mean but I hope you get the girls full time so that he can't intrude on you re-building your relationship.