[kmptrgeek]

I'm certain I slipped into a full manic episode this time. I did something that could jeopardize everything. I seriously thought I was just looking for closure or something, but it didn't turn out like I imagined (of course). So...that's how you know you've gone too close to the sun, right? When your actions become reckless and lack reason. Now I am scared to the point of panic attacks that I'll lose my wonderful wife. My moods are just becoming too much for her, and I can't blame her for losing the battle.

Thanks for letting me spill it out. It really feels good to be able to throw things like this out to people who just know.

[Crazy Hitch]

Thank you for sharing this with us.

What exactly did you do that you were doing with the intent of finding closure but never got it?

It can be very challenging for our partners when we are going through episodes.

Might I ask if you have ever had couples counseling?

I'm sorry for the circumstances of your post.

[prepsychmel]

I can relate. My boyfriend doesn't understand a lot of what goes on with me, but luckily, he has chosen to stick it out with me. Does your wife have understanding about the disorder and what it entails? That helped my boyfriend, to know what it was all about.

[hamster-bamster]

Geek, I have read the ABOUT page on your profile. You have a demanding position and a history of having an affair with a fellow psych patient. This combination does paint you as a wonderfully whimsical person, but I can see how you could do something that would jeopardize everything. There is a whole lot that you HAVE that you can LOSE, so you are afraid of jeopardizing it - right?

I am unclear as to why your cocktail does not address elevated mood AT ALL.

Here you are, wondering about the diff. between hypomania and mania, but your cocktail is unable to address EITHER. Weird, no? What does the pdoc think of your recklessness? You need something. You take an AD, you take a so called MS that acts as an AD specific to bipolar, a sleep aid, and an anxyolitic. Where is your anti-mania medicine? Nothing in the signature to prevent you from being manic.

[kmptrgeek]

I thought the Lamictal was supposed to stabilize my swings so that I didn't get too high or too low? As far as my recent hypomania, he switched me to a slow release Wellbutrin and moved my 2nd dose of Lamictal to midday rather than evenings.

I'm fine today. Last night I was almost at the pint of curling up in a ball because the anxiety was so excruciating. I was in Seroquel as a PRN that worked as far as making me not give a crap anymore, but it almost always made me very irritable. So my pdoc took me off of it. So I really had nothing but square breathing to help. I did finally turn to my wife for help and she just held me until I felt better. That's the best remedy I've found so far. She's an incredible woman.

Was is disturbing is how I just slipped over into a state of mind where I tried to make contact with this other woman, "just because I wanted some answers". I justified it by saying to myself I was trying to find "closure". It would have destroyed my life if I had been able to make contact. I'm still scared to death of what I'm capable of.

I have very good doctors. I would never go at where else for help. They've both taken late calls from me and talked me off my ledge, so to speak. Luckily I haven't had any suicidal thoughts because both of them wouldn't hesitate to hospitalize me.

So, I've got a monster just under my skin...and it's terrifying.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm glad to hear that you've got support from your dr.

Sounds like they are doing everything to try and stabilise your mood. Might take a while to adjust though.

If you're feeling the need for undesirable behaviors contact them. You need to be safe whilst you transition in this episode.

[kmptrgeek]

Thanks, Hooligan. Good advice.

[middlepath]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

I'm certain I slipped into a full manic episode this time. I did something that could jeopardize everything. I seriously thought I was just looking for closure or something, but it didn't turn out like I imagined (of course). So...that's how you know you've gone too close to the sun, right? When your actions become reckless and lack reason. Now I am scared to the point of panic attacks that I'll lose my wonderful wife. My moods are just becoming too much for her, and I can't blame her for losing the battle.

Thanks for letting me spill it out. It really feels good to be able to throw things like this out to people who just know.

I know your doctors know what they are doing, but perhaps you should share with them the emotions you are experiencing because if they knew what you were going through they *may* identify the AD as problematic. Not sure...but your team should know, in case you haven't already told them. One look at an AD and I am out of control. Unfortunately, that means I face depression more often than i would with an AD.

I hope you get the support you need. it is hard to deal with the roller coaster that is bipolar. Don't forget to tell they wifey that you love and appreciate her : )

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

I thought the Lamictal was supposed to stabilize my swings so that I didn't get too high or too low?

Lamictal is a preferred method of treating the depressive phase of the manic depressive illness. It does little to nothing to the manic phase. For some folks, little, and for others, nothing. Its classification as a mood stabilizer is thus somewhat misleading; it stabilizes from depression to baseline, yes, and, by removing the edge of the depressive phase, it indirectly prevents mania, both because the episodes of bipolar often depend on one another - mania is followed by depression and vice versa, so having less depression results in having less elevation, and, also, because Lamictal reduces or eliminates the use of AD that CAN flip a bipolar person into mania. In that sense, the classification as a mood stabilizer as warranted - Lamictal, as opposed to AD's, does not pose the danger of doing too much, i.e. flipping a person into mania; the role of Lamictal is to reduce the depression without causing mania, and in that sense, yes, it is a MS. So it is confusing to some extent.

Since you have a good, trustworthy dr., just keep reporting your symptoms and you will get the help you need.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

Was is disturbing is how I just slipped over into a state of mind where I tried to make contact with this other woman, "just because I wanted some answers". I justified it by saying to myself I was trying to find "closure". It would have destroyed my life if I had been able to make contact. I'm still scared to death of what I'm capable of.

Do you have any online space that is completely private to you? If you do, write down what you would like to tell that woman to achieve closure, and possibly even think through what she might say in response, but do not actually send this to the woman at issue.

[kmptrgeek]

It's probably a perfect storm. Dec 7th will be 2 years since I went into the hospital. And New Years will be 2 years to the day that I made the worst mistake of my life. It seems not fair that I am going manic during this time. It's impossible to fight. I feel like locking myself up in a closet until it passes. I'll be calling my doctors tomorrow.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

I'm certain I slipped into a full manic episode this time. I did something that could jeopardize everything. I seriously thought I was just looking for closure or something, but it didn't turn out like I imagined (of course). So...that's how you know you've gone too close to the sun, right? When your actions become reckless and lack reason. Now I am scared to the point of panic attacks that I'll lose my wonderful wife. My moods are just becoming too much for her, and I can't blame her for losing the battle.

Thanks for letting me spill it out. It really feels good to be able to throw things like this out to people who just know.

I get you! I'm TRULY AMAZED that I have a friend left in this world due to my very assorted outbursts and episodes! I'm here if you ever need to talk. I'm the Queen of manic meltdowns!

[kmptrgeek]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I get you! I'm TRULY AMAZED that I have a friend left in this world due to my very assorted outbursts and episodes! I'm here if you ever need to talk. I'm the Queen of manic meltdowns!

Thanks. I really appreciate it. It's been so helpful just finding other people who have been, are in or have been in the pit and flying high. Other people just don't understand sometimes. Even thought they try, they just don't get it. We don't want to be this way, and it's so hard (for me at least) to get past the things we do when we either too high or too low.

Thanks fellow bp roller coaster rider...

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

Thanks. I really appreciate it. It's been so helpful just finding other people who have been, are in or have been in the pit and flying high. Other people just don't understand sometimes. Even thought they try, they just don't get it. We don't want to be this way, and it's so hard (for me at least) to get past the things we do when we either too high or too low.

Thanks fellow bp roller coaster rider...

Anytime! We're all in this together! I'm here if you ever need to talk, vent, or whatever.