[MattBemis]

Hey, so to start, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and to be honest I found it receiving.

However I have a problem. I had a bad Manic Episode about a month ago spurred my pyschadellic drugs (I'm completely clean now, I know I have to be). Basically 5 close friends and I took an unnamed pyschadellic drug and it triggered me into a dangerous episode of mania (looking back I was already probably at the start of an episode, but the drugs put me over the edge).

Long story short I ended up getting violent and I'm not a violent person. I don't remember the episode, but these are the details I heard secondhand. Apparenely I started saying that I was a god. After that I throwing objects at people and attacking them. My friends couldn't restrain me or calm me down so they ended up calling the police and apparently I resisted (I didn't get arrested, I'm so grateful for that).

The next day I woke up in a hospital bed completely confused with a good amount of physical injuries. I was quickly discharged. The problem is now all my friends are scared of me and I haven't had any contact with them this past month. It even got out to a couple other close friends, so I haven't had contact with them either. I've apoligized sincerely to each of them individually, but they're still scared.

I've been incredibly lonely this past month because I've had nobody. I'm usually a very social person and my social life is very important to me. I don't get invited to gatherings anymore nonor do my friends talk to me. They ssit it would just take some time, but I think they cut me out. Has anybody gone through something similar or have any advice for my particular situation? Thank you

[jelly-bean]

Are you on any meds or in therapy? If you show your friends that you are making an honest effort to control the manic episodes with therapy and meds it might reassure them but it is going to take time for them to see that you are really trying.

[MattBemis]

I am in Meds and therapy, but I don't want to just tell my friends because they'll think it's another bs story. I don't want them to reach out to me first once they see that I'm better. I'm just lonely right now and it sucks, but I don't want my friends to take pity on me. I want them to see me as an equal and a friend again and I don't know if that can ever happen.

[ChaoticSymphony]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, alone especially. My suggestion would be to take refuge within your family until the storm is over. Better yet find alike minds through support groups within your community so you can at least have a sounding board, as well as help someone else. You may even meet some good friends there.

I'm sorry I can't give any good tips on making friends, I'm a bonefied loner so that's about all I can think of.

[gayleggg]

I've lost friends due to my manic behavior, and found it's hard to impossible to reclaim them. I know you feel awful. I felt shame and anger for a long time afterward, but I fianlly put it behind me and moved on. We can't dwell on what we can't change.

Sounds like you are doing what you can by stopping the drug use. Maybe your friends will see your change and give you a second chance. I hope so.

[Homeira]

I am so very sorry for you! I wish you did not have to deal with this kind of devastating experience. I can relate to what you are going through, because I have lost a lot of friends due to my MI. I have at times blamed myself for it, but it is just so unproductive to do that. I have managed to make peace with the fact that my illness sometimes will spin me out of control. And that I cannot expect others to deal with me at those times. Now I have a few close friends, but it has been a journey for both them and me to get back to our friendships. ( well, one of them stood by me and never left my side, and I am so grateful and so lucky for that. I can honestly say that he is that reason I am still here today.) But I can relate to that kind of loneliness you are going through. You have taken responsibility for what happened, by apologizing and seeking help. Well done. Be proud of yourself for that! A lot of people with BP really struggle with friendships. It can be a lonely excistence at times. All I can say is that you are not alone in going through what you do right now. Never alone. Remember that!

[Trippin2.0]

How do you expect your friends to forgive you and move on without an explanation exactly?


I don't think "sorry I beat you up for no reason, I promise to not to do it again" will suffice...


People can empathize without pity, people can care about you and treat you as an equal simultaneously.


Are you really willing to let pride stop you from attempting to salvage your friendships?


I'm sorry you find yourself friendless, but complacency cannot bring forth change.


Maybe consider giving your friends a chance to prove you wrong, send a group email briefly apologizing without expectation.

That way if they do turn their backs on you by choice instead of avoid you out of fear, you can move forward without any doubts or regrets...

[tipper1492]

Long time ago, 44 yrs. I was in high school. I started a number of fights, and to this day, there are people who still remember. It's embarrassing. At age 62, I was diagnosed BP so all that time, I never knew it. Had very few friends, two maybe. Told the two different ones I had BP; not seen them since, that's been a year or so. Mostly just stay alone which was easy because I lived alone in the country. My small town has maybe population of 25K. Wish it had group sessions, but not any within 50 miles. I do have a psychiatrist who I get medications from. They truly word well for me. I will never tell anyone I am BP. Looked up on Google, something like BP and public opinion, and it states in general there is a stigma against mentally ill people. All of them. It can also effect getting a job, and housing. My wife and her family are friends, but that's about it.

[Justugh]

i had this happen to me 2 times

something inside just snaps and u have deadly rage going with no control

you only have one option .........u need to get a good amount of money together 300 600 bucks
from there u call up all the ppl and invite them out to some place in public to eat and talk .....it is on u..... u want a chance to explain ........it is in a public place so they have no reason to worry ........if they are still worried tell them u will put a tazer on the table they can zap u

once they get there the ones that are willing to show up explain it to them the best u .....from there they will forgive yah and be buddies or it will end and u tried everything u could

all my ppl know i am bat **** crazy ......it is part of the reason they like me i make them laugh .....if i flip out every 10/15 years they are ok with it they know can take a hit so if need be knock me out tie me up

[MattBemis]

I already sent them an apology the day after but I think I'll intiate a group text and send another genuine apology. I have my one best friend left and other friends outside of my social group, but they're either far away or busy. Thanks for all the support guys

[nbritton]

I'm not sure what, if anything, you can do to get them back. You'll have to use this as a lesson for why you shouldn't take illegal drugs.

[Trippin2.0]

Everytime I read on this board how people have lost friends and loved ones due to stigma I am stunned by sadness.


Idk what that must be like at all and I'm so sorry that it seems to be the norm.


I don't understand how such a large group of people can all be so fickle and dump anyone, just because they have bipolar. And then they still have the nerve to dump the bipolar person based on incorrect info.

Does friendship, loyalty, love, or even just common decency mean nothing anymore???


Everyone knows I have a BP dx, from my 10y.o daughter to my managers and colleagues. I've never bothered to hide it, and have never received a negative reaction in the last almost 5 years.



Wonder if its something in your guys water.

[ChaoticSymphony]

They may know trip and are polite to you as far as that is concerned but you don't know what they are thinking or discussing privately. Or the minute you do something odd they wonder if you are having a bipolar things. Just because you have it that doesn't mean they run home and Google it to the extent we have. Plus their interest isn't "I have bipolar" in the search engine. It's my so-and-so has bipolar...

People on the whole have a formulated opinion which tends negate their reactions to people with certain personalities. No matter how many chain letters and like and shares you do things are never going to change until it's happening to them. In my opinion

[Trippin2.0]

Actually, I get asked if I'm experiencing BP related stuff, when I'm seemingly "off". It's not assumed, I've encouraged curiosity.


These people, all of them, including my current manager, ask me about how it affects me, so beside my one sister and my bf, who did google, I either have regular talks to answer any questions and or address concerns they may have.


My manager, whom I only met 4 months ago, didn't need to ask what she needed to do in order to decrease work related stress. She didn't need to close my laptop and beg me to talk to her privately because "the sparkle had left my eyes"... She didn't need to only schedule me for 3 third shifts because it would mess with my routine even more... She didn't need to offer to keep my job open if I want to go IP... Why, because I'm a casual employee and can be let go with a moments notice.


My friends and family don't have to encourage me to talk to them when they sense something is up, my colleagues aren't forced to ask me to hangout with them... Etc etc etc...


I'm sorry but I have to strongly disagree that all these people are acting ok in front of me and discussing and or fearing me behind my back.

[ChaoticSymphony]

Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to defend them. I'm happy you have a good bunch of people. Maybe you have an essence or aura about you that makes them react that way. Either way that's so good you have them.

[Trippin2.0]

I didn't mean to sound defensive so please don't worry. I was just trying to convey my experience in a bit more detail, so you may be able to see how none of it is superficial...


I honestly don't know what it is either, but not once have I received a negative reception, and reading threads like these remind me to be grateful for that.

[MattBemis]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Everytime I read on this board how people have lost friends and loved ones due to stigma I am stunned by sadness.


Idk what that must be like at all and I'm so sorry that it seems to be the norm.


I don't understand how such a large group of people can all be so fickle and dump anyone, just because they have bipolar. And then they still have the nerve to dump the bipolar person based on incorrect info.

Does friendship, loyalty, love, or even just common decency mean nothing anymore???


Everyone knows I have a BP dx, from my 10y.o daughter to my managers and colleagues. I've never bothered to hide it, and have never received a negative reaction in the last almost 5 years.



Wonder if its something in your guys water.

I didn't lose my friends because of my bipolar diagnose, I lost them because of my actions. They all knew I was bipolar and didn't treat me differently until I had this episode. They were all supportive and viewed me the same (a fair share of them have substance abuse issues and I'm willing to bet some underlying mental illnesses anyway).

I just wish I could make amends for this and put it completely in my past and that they'd still be there. At least now I know pyschadellics and Bipolar disorder don't mix and I won't do it again because I never want to lose control like that. I am usually a very composed and in control person, at least on the surface and it feels like what I did wasn't me even though I know it was.

[Trippin2.0]

My apologies, I misunderstood, serves me right for being up all night.


Your reply about not wanting to explain that you're on meds, in therapy and that the drugs boosted your mania, for fear of it seeming like a bs excuse...

This gave me the impression that they didn't know, I and that you don't want them to know.


Again my apologies for misunderstanding.


FTR, I can't even smoke mj anymore, gives me a bad trip no matter which strand or what dosage. 3 drags and I'm hearing shyt or paranoid... Didn't have that issue before my symptoms became a prevalent. So I can only imagine how bad psychedelics must be for a bp brain.


I hope your friends come around, I really do.

[newtothis31]

I hate to say it but it sounds like you have different priorities than your friends.

You did the right thing in reaching out to them to apologize and holding yourself accountable for your actions.

Unfortunately, it sounds like they value recreational drug use over a friendship. Seeing a friend have such an adverse reaction to a drug made them realize that there are risks that have the potential to escalate to something dangerous quickly.

They are understandably afraid to expose you to a situation that involves recreational drugs but aren't willing to change their behavior to continue your friendship. It sounds like they are make the decision to continue their lifestyle as-is and they don't want to learn from the experience.

That being said- I may be jumping to conclusions. Based on the way you described the situation- it does sound like it may have been traumatizing and it may take them six months before they feel comfortable. It may not hurt to reach out once a month through text just inviting them for coffee or a show- but you have to decide if you can be prepared to handle any potential rejection.

Focus on healing; finding new friendships is extremely hard and takes time.

[unicornlady]

The people who understand and continue to care about you are the ones you really want in your life. The people who get scared easily may not be able to handle future episodes if they do happen (though you sound like you're on the right track to prevent that!) For me, I scared the crap out of my roommate's mom in a situation involving a knife, and that roommate is cordial but distant. I've lost several other friends in various situations due to mania and depression. But for my family, my best friend, my partner? I threw things at them, I hit them, I took their money, and they still love me and do everything they can to help me, as long as I'm trying to stay healthy. So in the end, it's better to have a few people who support you all the way than to have many friends who aren't there for you in the worst of times. I'm left feeling empty from those kinds of friends because they don't help when I really need it. But if you can restore a kind of peace, like I did with my roommate, you can at least have friendly conversations with them or be in social situations without a problem. I've learned that is has to be on their terms though, and if they don't want to talk to you, don't push.