How do you accept your Bipolar?

Today I am not accepting it. I am mad. I am mad that I will struggle my entire life. I am mad that up till now I have struggled. Then I have to remind myself that yes, I have struggled, also I have survived.

Sometimes I just want to give in and let it destroy my life. But there is a fighter somewhere inside me that has kept me going this long and refuses to let me totally give in.

This ^^^ describes me exactly...

It's a part of me and something I must always deal with but it doesn't define who I am!

It's all I've known from long before I knew what it was. So acceptance really wasn't an issue. More like relief (that it wasn't just that I was some horrible person who didn't "try hard enough" to be and do like "normal" people). It's being a reality of my life was already a given, what with 2 1/2 decades of living what turned out to be a "textbook" case. What's to deny?

I could finally actually DO something about it, because I finally knew what IT was that I was dealing with!

In my case cyclothymia...for now anyways..that what my PDOC thinks so far...well I'm unsure..I tend to wonder is really really just that..a milder for of bipolar..But then she has also talked about ADHD..and brought back BPD..all put together..maybe..We talk more about symptoms and treatment. Deep down, I don't think I'll ever accept some of the symptoms..the emotions..the trial and error of medication. For a strange reason..the fact that she said I think this may be...was kind of a "aw finally someone sees something" I knew I've had this..I'll never accept the years it took and the many PDOCs who saw me without ever saying..maybe that's what you have..I'll never accept the fact that all during that time I took so many different meds that probably only put a bandaid for a while but made things worst..Never accept that one doc said here take these meds..but you are not sick ...but it started all over again..If really really this is my diagnosis, and if really really my present treatment prevents me from reliving the symptoms less often than I may accept that finally, it's not the illness that ruined part of my life but the fact that no other professional ever really took the time to asses my mental hill ness..so much pain, I think could of been avoided..but then again I wonder..Good question.

I actually just started the same workbook. And, yes it's good.

When I first was diagnosed, I was crushed, but eventually I realized what I was crushed by was that it took so long to get the diagnosis. I was 35. And all of a sudden I was able to think back on my life, a lot of pain, a lot of inexplicable moods and crazy decisions, and understand it with a whole new perspective. It was devastating to me that I could have known that all along, I could have known and accepted that, and chosen differently so many times if I were able to have been treated earlier. But then, there was this happy feeling, because I felt like I belonged somewhere, which I have never felt before. Perhaps it is pathetic for one's first experience of belonging to be to a category of mental illness, but that was it for me, and I was happy about it. I remember the first time I came on PC, I read a few posts, and I figured, OK, here it goes, and I just went all in. I wrote about how I'd been experiencing black manias that would end with me flailing around, punching myself in the face and chanting 'I'm going to kill myself' over and over again. And I checked in like a few hours later, and there were all these reposes, and people were like 'ah... one of those nights huh?', like it was no big deal, and people clearly knew EXACTLY what I was going through, and that was another first. The fact that I experience such moods is something that I have always sought to keep a COMPLETE secret from the world, and now there was this place with hundreds of people I could talk to and who would hear and support me. And gaining a community and a category, has ended up being a really positive thing for me. It has also helped me to take responsibility for the ways in which my behaviors affect the ones around me, especially my family, and I feel really happy about that as well, though that is also sad, that it has taken me so long to realize that it is me that is causing a lot of this strife in my life, not them.

Anyhow, I am ranting, but those are all things that have helped me accept and even welcome my diagnosis.

I hope you are well.
Soon...
MT

Great post MT.

To be perfectly honest, I still haven't fully accepted it.

Glad to see this post is getting so many responses and hope it can be helpful to others.


Sorry to hear that. I think you will get there in time. It's a hard thing to deal with and accept. I don't think anyone likes having it, but it's our reality. I wish you the best of luck in finding peace/acceptance with Bipolar.

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It's like sometimes I feel like it's got to be something else. Even though my medications are working (and maybe that's why I feel this way) I still am unsure how I feel about it.

I wish I could feel like most people do that I've met on here... relieved to have gotten the diagnosis because it gives them reassurance that they finally know why they feel the way they feel. I, however, cried hysterically the day my doctor told me.

I am going to look into this book today.

I can understand that. I felt like that a lot before I accepted my Bipolar. Rarely I still think that.

I think you will get to accepting it one day though. How long have you been diagnosed for?

That's great. I think you'll find it useful. It comes with a lot of downloadable worksheets as well.

I was glad to get the diagnosis because it enabled me to get a better med combination to help. My only trouble in accepting it came when I was turned down for health insurance because I was bipolar. That was before the new healthcare act. Now I'm insured but it was hard to accept that they would turn me down just because I had a bipolar diagnosis. It really hurt.

The workbook sounds like a helpful tool. I'll check into it.

I am sorry that happened to you! That is horrible that they would do such a thing and I'm glad ACA addressed it.

I think it's a good idea. It's helped me a lot!

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I just sort of live with it...do what I have to do to remain stable and just...consider it like a challenge in my life that I deal with.

I struggled with acceptance. I always knew that my moods weren't normal and was consumed with self loathing thinking there was something innately wrong with me. With the dx my fear was realized - there was something ''wrong' with me. I had always tried to blame my moods on something else, some outside influence but knew it began and ended with me. Once I accepted that I wasn't a bad person for having BP I suddenly resented it. Why were my moods 'wrong' or not healthy? I loved my highs. I eventually accepted that there was a price to pay for being up and that was going back down. For years I fought the need for meds.

I've accepted it now. I don't think about it very often. If I catch it in time, I can usually head off a deep depression knowing that it's the BP acting up not the end of the world and that I have my therapist and med's to help.

I still find it very hard to forgive myself for all the bad things I did to those close to me. And then there are the times I hurt myself, like being fired from jobs. So I guess I have yet to fully accept my diagnosis irrespective of my sig "quotes".

MiguelsMom "Bipolar to me just means at times my reactions are overboard to the stimulus but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way but it's to much for what's going on."
SPOT ON!!
You said that so perfectly!
Now in response to the question. My psychiatrist says that like a different type of chronic illness that has no stigma, like diabetes for instance, it is not our fault we have bipolar, but it is our responsibility to manage it. I suffer tons of guilt for everything I did and therefore lost as a result of my first big 'run in' with bipolar. I meant I lost EVERYTHING. Job, house, car, kids, you name it. Now I am picking up the pieces and day by day I am working through how to deal with everything.
Good luck with this, and thanks everybody for sharing!

It was a relief when I was diagnosed. I always knew something was wrong with me, now I know what it is.

I understand this especially. I've often been told "you're overthinking this" or "you're overreacting." That's very invalidating and nobody should tell anyone that regardless of what mental illness they may or may not have. It's quite hurtful for someone to say those words. Alas, I can look back at some things and realize it was happening because of strong emotions which luckily (or so I think) can be kept in check better now.

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