[Mimielam]

I'm really fed up about having a long face all the time, or having such a hard time to have pleasure, to smile, to laugh. I'm tired of wacky emotions, stress, anxiety, anger, sadness. Being on the edge of lousy emotions all the time is really really getting on my nerves and I want to beat this. I would love to have a good few days in a row that would be normal, where I would not be so sensitive to my emotions. I would love that people around me would actually feel good around me. I can't force myself to smile, it feels ridiculous. Not one day goes by without me complaining..something always comes around and I just can't get myself to feel happy or to feel something positive..it just happens..and a few seconds later I'm back to feeling negative emotions. I know writing won't change anything, I'm just wondering what the heck I can start doing..how to motivate myself to feel better..I need lots and lots of motivations. I spent hours crying again last night, spend the day feeling blah..when will this go away. I'm taking my meds, still can't get myself to go to sleep early, still can't always enjoy a meal, still feel like I have the world on my shoulder and don't know how to shove it off so I can feel relax and be able to enjoy simple things..I feel like the expression my glass is almost full and each day a drop makes me tip..then I get a few minutes of being so so and than another drop falls into it. When it's not the emotions, it's the physical stuff, upset stomach soar heard soar eyes...ahhh soar back..I want my life back, I want to be able to feel happiness, I want to feel more confident, feel like I'm doing something good and meaningful. I have lost weight, my hair has grown, my clothes don't fit, really I look so blah...so yulk..If I where a man I would look like forest gump before he went for a long walk. I really wonder if my meds are working, I was told I can't take antidepressants my doc upped my epival and I've got to go do bloodwork again...(should have done it last week) Told that this medication would help...so far I think it as me stable unhappy. I want stability and the capacity to also have good emotions I want normal emotions..How do people without mental health problems do it..I wonder.

A lot of us can relate to what you just said. Emotions all over the place and wanting the stability. I can't say there is any magic medication that will help. However I recommend telling your pdoc what you told us.

See if they can start you on a low dose of antidepressant. Best wishes!

[jack123]

I sympathize with you. My moods have been unstable for a year now. Medicine doesn't fix all. I am just going to start putting myself out there a little at a time

Mimielam, I can totally relate to your post. I have bipolar and have been in a depression for about a year. It was very severe, then ECT kicked it up to where I'm anywhere from mildly to moderately depressed (mainly mildly). But to want to be able to genuinely smile and feel positive emotions like "everyone else - - " I get that. It's no fun to have the weight of depression on you. Hang in there, and so will I.

[Bigmike727]

I pray that things start to feel better for you soon, I do find find, however, that writing things out does make me feel better. Sometimes I just have so much built up that I need to release it all someway. I am not sure if you are on an AP but if you are you should be able to take an AD, atleast that has been my experience. In my case, my Prozac can make me manic, but my Zyprexa prevents it when I take it, I know because I went off my Zyprexa for about 3 weeks without my pdoc's consent and my mood was cycling like crazy while I was taking the Prozac alone. Some AP's have anti-depressant properties too, I know Seroquel and Zyprexa are the main two with those properties. I pray that something works out soon.

[memson]

I've recently begun disconnecting my mental state, i.e. symptoms caused by the illness, and my emotional state, which is so often caused by what's going on around me. Thus, a combination of med's for the mental state plus cognitive therapy and meditation for the emotional state has helped. Wishing you luck in finding your sweet spot.

[avlady]

Good luck

[Mimielam]

Thank you for the replies, it helps so much to read them. I take my meds at night before going to bed, because I work the evening shift... Last night I noticed that I was taking the wrong dosage..for the past few days..750 instead of 1000mg...maybe that screwed up something..Also, I got a really good nights sleep of 8 hours..felt much better this morning. Today I had a good day and actually at one point realized I had been feeling happy and stressless for a few hours and this made me smile. later in the evening..I started to feel a bit hyper..and excited (sounds weird but I don't like that too much because it makes me feel weird) I just sat and calmed down and came back to just feeling good and that was great. I enjoyed my afternoon, my evening and I really hope I keep feeling this way this week.

[~Christina]

I always think getting things out of your head helps... posting here or a journal or a blog .. just dump it all out anyway you feel comfortable.

Its really hard when your stuck in a depressive episode. But you need to focus on the fact that Bipolar always cycles, always .. It will spit you out the other side .

Meanwhile stop chasing "happiness" aim for being content or feeling calmer. Seriously Stop beating yourself up, You may need to be more of a squeeky wheel with your Pdoc in regards of attacking your symptoms instead of just waiting them out.

Ummm Write up a bunch of positive things about yourself , yeah I know hard .. but think of when your stable how well you do things.. or goggle positive thoughts , write them down on lil slips of paper and toss in a jar. when your feeling low pull one out, just study it , maybe its a "I make a hell of a X meal" Just focus on that for the day, anytime your mind wanders to the yucky thought Stop and read that slip of paper again and again and again .

I do think it is possible at times to rattle your own cage enough to just attempt to get a grip and force yourself to do the complete opposite of what you wanna do, but thats just my opinion based of how I manage my Bp when it rears its ugly head. It's not 100% , But its good enough for me at times and I come here to PC and offer advise even when Im in a lousy place , why? it just gets me outta my own head and I can focus on helping someone else.

If Im depressed and all else fails I blast the most upbeat music I have and just lose myself in it.

I hope your feeling better very soon

[bluemountains]

I hope that the medication adjustment helps. If not, you may want to address this with your pdoc.
For me, therapy helps to ground me when my moods are all over the place. I try to focus of the fact that I am battling symptoms of bp and that this will pass, with my work and the possibility of med changes. I am not belittling the feelings-it's hell for me when I am there, but trying to minimize the negative feelings helps me get through it.
Also, I like to give myself timeouts. I spend time in my room curled up in a chair with a book or netflix. I let my family know that it is time for decompression!
Bluemountains

[Mimielam]

Hi, I like the idea about positive things in a jar..I should write a few on days when I'm feeling "content and relaxed" That way when I do feel like I was feeling when I wrote the first post it may help..
Sometimes, I'm able to tell myself I'm battling symptoms..but other times I find that I'm just battling the fact that living emotions can be painful..got to separate the two..Some emotions can be just "normal" to have weather or not it's a symptom or the reaction to an event. You know most people feel sadness and cry..but they are also able to feel happy, well, content, satisfied..and so on. I also use timeouts..but mostly when I'm anxious or jittery or angry. When I'm sad, real sad I find it's hard to switch off and it can take time.. Anyways's today was ok..I managed to feel like it was an ordinary day. At work it was quiet so I took time to talk with co-workers with whom I don't really talk too and it was fine.