Full Control/No Control: Hypomanic Spiral

Just having a hell of a time here. Unfortunately I've discovered when I start to get sad, rather than getting depressed I find ways to make myself hypomanic, like a few drinks or less meds. Then I go all out.... Random online hookups, spending money, chain smoking, and under or over eating.

This becomes the only way I can seem to refocus my negative thoughts and the only time I feel truly Good and in the moment. I know when I meditate or exercise I feel better, but I can't stick with it. Right now coming down from some risky behavior I feel like a bad person, worthless, broken... All the regrets past and future come flooding back. Not in the moment at all times unless I have a cig or anything, something unhealthy.

Does anyone else ever have anything like this going on?

The fall is always hard.

It's not nice thinking about risky behavior that we did whilst we were not ourselves.

But I've come to accept it is what it is.

I "try" not to replay over and over again things I've done that I'm not happy about when I wasn't quite myself.

Some things I've even learnt to laugh about .... Some ..... Not all of them.

But I kind of forgive myself.

Maybe I don't entirely forget but if it does fleet through my mind I allow it to fleet out again.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about this. It's hard when you first transition out of it though.

Sending you a virtual cushion for a soft landing and cushion your blow.

i can relate to this so much

I can relate. It's like there's a light switch in my brain..