[PinkPearl]

I'm wondering if others have experienced difficult emotions and shame about relapse and how you dealt with it. I'm feeling frustrated and angry with myself for allowing myself to relapse. After I was hospitalized three summers ago and experienced an extended period of relative wellness, I told myself I'd never let myself get so sick again. Although I wasn't hospitalized for this episode and I don't think anyone has realized how sick I've been, I know I've been ill this entire past year. There were a number of factors involved, I'm sure. My husband and I did two rounds of IVF in summer of 2013, so I was on a lot of hormones. I got pregnant and had a baby boy at the end of May (he's a love). We had been trying to have a second child for several years - We also have a 9yo boy. During the pregnancy, there was a lot of environmental stress as well - I felt hurt by my husband and sister-in-law, rightfully so to some extent but I know I was also very irrational and let my anger and hurt go on and on. My husband got so frustrated with me that he attacked me physically in March (again, not acceptable but I played a role in provoking him). I have PTSD from a difficult childhood - a lot of violence in my family - so as my psychopharm has said, getting past my husband's outburst and subsequent verbal abuse was especially difficult for me (I'm still struggling). I finally realized a couple weeks ago that despite my concerns about breastfeeding, I need to resume taking Seroquel and have (I was told I could breastfeed on Seroquel by the foremost researcher in women's psychiatry in the country - I'm fortunate to be in Boston). Anyway, so much stress, and hormones, and susceptibility and med changes, I guess, led to depression and anxiety and irritability. I made a bad decision by writing to someone for months about my problems with my husband despite that person asking me more than once to stop - It really was inappropriate for me to share what I did with him and cross boundaries continually. I didn't do anything else adverse, but there's been all the irritability, anxiety, and depression. I get more frustrated with my "spirited" (difficult) 9yo and sometimes yell at him - I don't want to be doing that. And I want my 14-year marriage to work. There's so much that's good about our marriage, even when I don't see it. My husband has been attending anger mgmt therapy since April as well so I know he is committed to never getting violent with me again. He says he never wants my son to think mistreating a woman is ok. Anyway, this has just been such a tumultuous year for me, and I'm so mad at myself and sad that I ended up getting crazy again (I pretty much stalked that friend - my God, how could I do that and feel unable to stop??). I'm praying I can get it together and make 2015 better for everyone. :-(

[wildflowerchild25]

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position. I had severe issues when I was 18/19 (I'm 27 now) and I ended up having 15 ECT treatments in 2006. Afterward I was well for a long time, about six years. Graduated college, got married, had a baby. Everything was going so well until the end of 2012 when everything went downhill. I went back to rapid cycling, had my first true manic episode, had a couple of psychotic breaks....it got really really bad. I finally decided in October to have ECT again. I have my last treatment on Monday. And let me tell you, I felt exxactly as you do - that everything was my fault. That I could have changed it or stopped it or something. But you can't. You can't help your illness. I know now that I did the best I could with what I had. And so did you. You had a lot of external stress going on. So did I. Life happens and you can't change it. You can only choose how you handle it. As long as you're doing everything you can to get better you're being the best wife and mother you can be. My son is four and he's also a huge handful and believe me sometimes I get frustrated and yell at him more than I'd care to admit. It makes me feel and guilty but again, I'm only human and I can't help getting frustrated. It doesn't make you a bad mom.

Go a little easier on yourself. I'm right here with you. I totally understand how you feel. You're not alone. And you're not a bad person. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[PinkPearl]

Thank you so much wildflowerchild. Your words made me feel better. The external stressors are almost unavoidable - We can't live in a vacuum. Even yesterday, I misplaced my car keys when we were about to go somewhere, and it totally threw off my mood. I've done ECT too by the way. It's a tough decision. It helped my depression, but it did a real number on my longterm memory so I don't think I'd ever want to do it again. Take care, and again, thank you.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position. I had severe issues when I was 18/19 (I'm 27 now) and I ended up having 15 ECT treatments in 2006. Afterward I was well for a long time, about six years. Graduated college, got married, had a baby. Everything was going so well until the end of 2012 when everything went downhill. I went back to rapid cycling, had my first true manic episode, had a couple of psychotic breaks....it got really really bad. I finally decided in October to have ECT again. I have my last treatment on Monday. And let me tell you, I felt exxactly as you do - that everything was my fault. That I could have changed it or stopped it or something. But you can't. You can't help your illness. I know now that I did the best I could with what I had. And so did you. You had a lot of external stress going on. So did I. Life happens and you can't change it. You can only choose how you handle it. As long as you're doing everything you can to get better you're being the best wife and mother you can be. My son is four and he's also a huge handful and believe me sometimes I get frustrated and yell at him more than I'd care to admit. It makes me feel and guilty but again, I'm only human and I can't help getting frustrated. It doesn't make you a bad mom.

Go a little easier on yourself. I'm right here with you. I totally understand how you feel. You're not alone. And you're not a bad person. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Blitter2014]

[Becoming]

I understand this. I've felt the same way. After my break up months ago I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to slip into depression and anxiety. It didn't last long and I hate that it has happened. I know it will lift, but yes, I do feel somewhat at fault for not continuing to challenge depression before it started. Once you're down, it's nearly impossible to get back up. Just wanted you to know that I can relate with this so you're not alone.

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