[lisad]

He took me off the Wellbutrin and replaced it with Lexapro... I guess insomnia is a potntial side effect of Wellbutrin. I'm now on my third antidepressant in a month... frustrating. He also told me that until the Wellbutrin gets out of my system, I can occaisionally up the Seroquel back to 200 so I can sleep. He's going to refer me to a p-doc at my next appointment... my insurance is pretty crazy that way.

Stayed up long enough to wish my nine year old a happy birthday... he called me Lisa and my aunt Mom. Makes me wonder... how different things would have been if I would've seen any of my past p-docs long enough to actually get a diagnosis, maybe I'd still have all three of my kids. The boys are with my aunt and uncle, my daughter with my dad and step-mom. Dacey (my 10 year old daughter), still calls me mom... Dad and my step-mom are Grandpa Ron and Lynnie, and my dad wouldn't have it any other way.

I feel like I'm standing on a tightrope, and at this point, my balance is shaky at best. I'm still feeling depressed. I just want to run away, someplace else, more than 25 miles away from the family that has my kids. The only person who understands (or at least tries to understand) is my mom, and that's because she's a nurse and has worked in every department in the hospital at one time or another. Too bad she's in Texas.

Ugh. Time to get dressed so I can go to the bank and get some cash. That's another fun thing I'm still dealing with... a couple of fraudulent charges on my bankcard, and the bank still hasn't totally fixed it, or gotten me my new bankcard yet... yeah!

lisad

[Meta]

hi lisad,

I take from your post that you have been getting meds from your internist or general practitioner. I did that for about 6 years until this past summer on the theory that I thought since pdocs seem to be basically following a pretty set script when they prescribe and felt like my internist could just as easily do this. I think going to my internist instead of my pdoc helped me with my denial too that I had a chronic disease.

I hear you saying something different--that you couldn't go the pdoc unless referred by your regular doctor. I think going to a pdoc might really help, as I think it is unrealistic to think general doctors can keep up with psych medicine as well as general practice. I hope you get some good help.

I can"t imagine how upsetting it is to have your daughter call someone else Mom. But from this past December to February, I was obsessed with the idea that I should send my daughter to my sister=in=law's because I was not any good for her with the course of my bipolar disorder. I didn't --but there may come a day again when I will need to-I hope I can remember what I now say to you: it's a courageous decision to admit we aren't always the best ones to take care of our children. ((((lisa))))

I know what it's like to feel to believe no one understands. My husband didn't really understand why I wanted to do send our daughter away, but he works so much, I didn't feel that his otherwise general steadiness was enough to offset my frequent emotional unavailability to my daughter. My pdoc and therapist did not see the need for me to send my daughter away, so since they were not "involved" so to speak, I trusted their judgment-for now.

There have been times when I thought everyone would be better off if I just took some money out of our bank account and disappeared.

I feel fortunate that a previous therapist completely dashed my longtime obsession with suicide, including 3 attempts--the last one nearly succeeded.
She told me my daughter's risk of suicide when she grew up would zoom if I did such a thing.

I am very glad your mom understands, Lots of people here at psychcentral understand and are very supportive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Meta

[Soidhonia]

Hello Lisa.
I am glad to hear that you are getting the help you need at this time. It is a very courageous thing that you have done to let your family HELP you with your children when you need help the most. I hope things get better for you soon. I dont feel that mothers ever get the respect they deserve for letting their children go to stay elsewere so they can be safe when the mother is getting mental health therapy. It is such a shame that women must feel put out by society, for doing the right thing for themselves and their children. I commend you on your decision in getting yourself help and doing the right thing for your children. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

[darkeyes]

((((((( lisad )))))))

I wish I had some words of comfort to offer, but I'm at a lost.
I hope you'll follow through with a pdoc vs GP/Internest, I went down that route with the GP/Internest, they would tell me there was nothing wrong with me except I was "clinically depressed", "here try this,try that. . ." Yeah, one AD after another, wasted time and money, if I just would of started with a pdoc right off the bat, I would have saved money,time,the life I almost took, it's so important we let go of our pride and just get help, man, I was in denial, and then resentment of the disorder and talk therapist suggested pdoc care, but I gave in, and it took time but today I must say I'm glad I lost the resentment.
It's never easy accepting things like this, but the sooner we lose the denial, and accept something the sooner we can get working on saving ourselves.
I hope things will start looking up for you and others dealing with this stuff, a.s.a.p.
Take care,
DE