[Mental reward]

There isn't really a point to this thread really..except for it being a visceral way to examine how I am feeling, and writing is something I haven't been doing that really helps me to express a lot. I also enjoy it.

I can't help but reflect lately. On how I have gotten into this mess version of myself. I started a new job again recently, I will be working full time, teaching classes for my traders well, and it's a great opportunity. I'm very grateful but it's going to take me a while to start making decent money again, having to build clientele again. I'm moving out of my moms basement next month, which has been such a source if stress being here. It's just still hard for me to muster up the strength to do just daily tasks at times. I honestly just don't feel human right now. I'm just having flashbacks and feelings of shame and guilt over the things I have done over the past couple years, and some of my thoughts. I just feel stunted. I never thought I would be in this life situation. If someone would have said all this stuff would happen to me just a few years ago, I most definitely would not have believed. It rocks me to my core that I can't get any lost time back. I'm moving forward but I don't feel like myself. Everything just seems so daunting, and the level of deep insecurity and feeling unsure of myself is crippling at times. I miss my humor and energy and mostly my innocence. I don't always feel this way, but I'm dealing with so much right now that it is overwhelming at times how different I seem, in my eyes. I am still only 31, but I feel like I'm playing catch up. I was so independent in my 20's, before my world was flipped upside down, and now I just feel like I'm always hiding something. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed, and I just really am feeling nostalgic about the old me. It's like I haven't made amends with myself yet, and today I'm just hurting.

Going to put on a happy face, finish cleaning, run some errands and go check out a mutual friends place I'm supposed to move into. That's another thing. I miss having friends that I don't constantly cause me to judge myself so critically for losing who I was. I just miss having fun with friends..really being able to chill, and not be looked at constantly, like ok, is she ok? Anyway, sorry to be a bummer! It's good to get out though.
Thanks and have a good day everyone!!

[Curiosity77]

What you are going through is really hard. I went through a similar situation 3 years ago. I had built a really good life for myself, and it all got ripped apart by a severe episode. I had to build things back, and i've done that for the most part, but it was a long and difficult process. I was 34 at the time. I can relate to the feeling of lost time, lost self image, and changed friendships. Some of that remains, but i feel better about myself now, and most of my friendships are back to normal, although some will never be. My life has had several periods of building up, and burning down because of this illness. I'm really hoping that was the last time. Anyways , hang in there, things will improve.

[gloamingone]

Hugs....

I feel like mental illness has ruined my life. Even if I get to the point where I can work again, my former career will be a no-go. At 40 I'll have to find something else. It's really hard to work yourself up from rock bottom. I've gone from being on the verge of homelessness to relying almost 100% financially on my boyfriend. It sucks. It's kind of a step up, I guess, but being dependent is really difficult for me.

Be kind to yourself as you heal. Take baby steps. Eventually you'll come to terms with the new you, the new and wiser person you've become from living through difficult times. Good luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mental reward]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

What you are going through is really hard. I went through a similar situation 3 years ago. I had built a really good life for myself, and it all got ripped apart by a severe episode. I had to build things back, and i've done that for the most part, but it was a long and difficult process. I was 34 at the time. I can relate to the feeling of lost time, lost self image, and changed friendships. Some of that remains, but i feel better about myself now, and most of my friendships are back to normal, although some will never be. My life has had several periods of building up, and burning down because of this illness. I'm really hoping that was the last time. Anyways , hang in there, things will improve.

It is SO HARD. I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. It seems that is key in successfully moving forward. For me that means taking satisfaction in what I do, being cheerful, happy, genuine, empathetic, and being responsible for myself and my life. To regain all of this is going to take time. I really can't afford to 'trip' up again. I hVe just found it so difficult to communicate well especially socially with others. I feel boring, and pathetic. I miss being genuinely chipper and excited. Ultimately use of time is the only thing that can evolve my life right now. I'm learning with a laser sharp self awareness that needs to be toned down sometimes so that I can just get through a day without so many self defeating emotions. I know moving will be a huge catalyst in feeling freedom, ,individuality and independence again. This has been an epic struggle, and my main goal is some peace of mind so that I can stay focused on what I need to in order to be happy and make others happy around me. I miss making other peoples days better just because I was able to do that with my personality and morals/standards. It's tough getting past fear and embarrassment but I can't be trapped in my own prison.

Anyway, I hope it was the last time for you too! Thanks so much. I know things will.

[Angry1541]

Originally Posted by Mental reward

I miss my humor and energy and mostly my innocence.

Wow...yeah...I often lament the loss of innocence....just the sheer ability to go with it all and not have everything be something more than it is, like everything is kinda imbued with meaning of sort....beyond the face value. Somethings more so, like music/conversations/certain events. When I was younger these meaningful events didn't seem as, idk, obvious.

Sorry -- just riffing off your thoughts.

[Mental reward]

Originally Posted by gloamingone

Hugs....

I feel like mental illness has ruined my life. Even if I get to the point where I can work again, my former career will be a no-go. At 40 I'll have to find something else. It's really hard to work yourself up from rock bottom. I've gone from being on the verge of homelessness to relying almost 100% financially on my boyfriend. It sucks. It's kind of a step up, I guess, but being dependent is really difficult for me.

Be kind to yourself as you heal. Take baby steps. Eventually you'll come to terms with the new you, the new and wiser person you've become from living through difficult times. Good luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks!! It's great that your boyfriend is supportive, but it is very difficult being dependent, absolutely. Yes, right now I just keep going back and forth in my mind. One minute, I'm able to process something and be lighthearted not letting myself go to a dark place, and the next minute it's the opposite. But, feeling that breezy part of myself if only for. Glimpse gives me hope and makes me look forward to the future. To more moments like that! Good luck to you too

[Mental reward]

Originally Posted by Angry1541

Wow...yeah...I often lament the loss of innocence....just the sheer ability to go with it all and not have everything be something more than it is, like everything is kinda imbued with meaning of sort....beyond the face value. Somethings more so, like music/conversations/certain events. When I was younger these meaningful events didn't seem as, idk, obvious.

Sorry -- just riffing off your thoughts.

It's ok, no worries, yes it's true! I used to be able to find humor in just about anything. And make others feel that too. That is slowly coming back as I find it easier to laugh at myself. That's taken some time..

[Manic Trance]

I have burnt three lives to the ground. Each time it ends with me couch surfing seemingly endlessly , quitting everything, and then gradually building it all back. I have daily cycles, and then like longer cycles that seem to last days, weeks, I think a couple time months. But then I also have the sense that I have these super long cycles, that can last years almost. Like even as I cycle from day to day, that that is happening with in some part of some big grand cycle that might take a year or more to resolve. I say that because I can look back at my life starting at about high school and see these looooooong lows, and then gradually these looooooooong highs, that eventually peak and then crash, and then another loooooooooooong low... Etc... This is how I explain repeatedly getting the impulse to completely tare my life down. Dunno if that resonates, but I feel ya... And building back is so hard. Don't think I could do it again.

[Mental reward]

Originally Posted by Manic Trance

I have burnt three lives to the ground. Each time it ends with me couch surfing seemingly endlessly , quitting everything, and then gradually building it all back. I have daily cycles, and then like longer cycles that seem to last days, weeks, I think a couple time months. But then I also have the sense that I have these super long cycles, that can last years almost. Like even as I cycle from day to day, that that is happening with in some part of some big grand cycle that might take a year or more to resolve. I say that because I can look back at my life starting at about high school and see these looooooong lows, and then gradually these looooooooong highs, that eventually peak and then crash, and then another loooooooooooong low... Etc... This is how I explain repeatedly getting the impulse to completely tare my life down. Dunno if that resonates, but I feel ya... And building back is so hard. Don't think I could do it again.

Yep. Yes, that totally resonates. I'm building back right now. It's [past couple years] all gotten me to where I am now. Which is really just kind of like having 20/20 vision. Or wearing glasses that are so sharp they hurt your eyes. I'm adjusting, but yeah, it's real painful at times. I like to think I'm better equipped to deal now, because I know things can always be worse. Definitely know that now, and I'd like that to not happen. My confidence is the most important thing to me right now in my process. Learning to trust myself, and HOW to.