[quasicrystalline]

Long post ahead. I apologize for the rambly nonsense, but I’m desperate right now.

So... Before bipolar disorder was an item, I've thought at points I have OCD (due to intrusive thoughts, mostly), but it's not a constant thing for me. It comes and goes, and now that bipolar is my tentative diagnosis I'm wondering if this pattern I experience is actually a mixed state?

This first happened when I was thirteen. It begins with ridiculous insomnia. It's like I've lost the ability to sleep entirely. My body feels like it's buzzing, and I'll get out of bed and start pacing, and other times I'll write a bunch of random stuff in a journal or a word document or whatever to distract myself. Sometimes I've had weird issues with food, like excessive worry about food bourne illness or the thought that I had suddenly developed a food allergy or thinking the food had been tampered with or poisoned at some point before it reached me. Once I also thought I'd somehow created toxic fumes in my apartment and even frantically dialed 911 over it.

It'll feel like I'm sensitive to EVERYTHING around me too, especially stupid insignificant noises. Like I've thrown things across the room before because I couldn't the sound of a dripping faucet.

My thoughts race too. I can't control them. Sometimes I get stuck on one thing, a picture or something, which made me think it's OCD, but even when it's on one thing, there's other things in the background that comes forward and whatnot. When I was a kid, I thought if my crazy uncontrolled self vowed allegiance to Satan - like I said the words in my mind that a demon would hop in my body and possess me. Thank you, Catholic schooling, for that one. Another time I thought I was going to be abducted by aliens. The weird thing, though, is even though it feels 100% real, I still kindaaa know it's not. I'm always teetering on it. One second, I'm reassuring myself it couldn't possibly be real, and then a violent image pops into my brain and I'm questioning it again, but it's like I don't get a choice about what to think. I also have conversations going in my head, not like hearing voices necessarily, but like I'm rehearsing everything I'll say for a variety of things, but the topic flips like crazy. I can choose to think about something for a single second, but then another thing replaces it. This is what keeps me up.

I go days without sleep. I can't remember to eat sometimes or if I've taken meds. Sometimes I'm so preoccupied with these thoughts I've even not noticed the need to go to the bathroom.
If I DO sleep at all, it's for an hour or two, but then I'm awake again and back to the uncontrolled thoughts, and I just vacillate to the point I'm not sure if I'm sleeping or awake. Sometimes an hour or two passes on the clock so I presume I maybe slept, but I honestly don't know.

I get so frustrated with the trying to sleep that I just give up and pace again. I feel wide awake then, and sometimes, though not always, I can somehow push myself through a day at school or work. It seems like I can kind of fake normal if I keep my body busy doing something to distract my mind, but when I have to sit still or something, it's hell on earth. It's the worst at night when I'm trying to sleep. Sometimes I can't fake normal, though. I lie and say I'm sick to get out of having to do what I need to do.

Does this sound like mixed?

I was previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so sometimes I think maybe it's all anxiety related. Like intense anxiety during depression, because I honestly feel like crap despite the amount of energy.

The thing that’s the most messed up, though, is I think I bring this on myself. I love to write and sometimes I’ll stay up WAYYY too late working on something, and if I’m lucky, it works out fine. I’m all buzzed and happy and still able to go to school/work and do things. Sometimes it starts like this, and then warps into the hell I just described. Sometimes I experience the hell first and I’m lucky and it lifts into happy feelings, and I grow to love not sleeping. Other times I crash and have NO energy whatsoever, but even though I know not sleeping triggers this, I can’t control the urge to not sleep. I miss the nights I stay up writing too much and feel like I can never be happy unless I’m doing that, so yeah. It's vicious cycle. I'll eventually snap out of it and feel normal for a period of time. Maybe a little anxious, because I'm just kind of an anxious person naturally, but nothing like this.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I can't say if it's mixed but can say I experienced a lot of that and it eventually did go away. Hope you're feeling better soon!!

[quasicrystalline]

Thanks!

I'm in a weird place right now. I'm on the brink of going in one direction of the other, and I didn't sleep much last night or the night before, and I'm going to try to trick my body into sleeping somehow tonight, so this doesn't happen, but yet at the same time, the possibility it could end up well is too enticing. I was lucky enough a couple weeks ago. The productivity was fabulous for finals week, but it had started with negative energy and an abundance of it.

I probably should be off Wellbutrin, even though I'm afraid if I am I'll get seriously, seriously depressed again. On Wellbutrin, it seems like it's normal, this, or lots of positive, feel good energy. I always hope for the later.

Edit: This is usually the point, where in the past, I've start taking various drugs or drank excessively, but I've tried to stay sober recently. It sucks, though, because sometimes I feel like I can't handle anything without it.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ive been in this mixed area for a while now. I think I am slowly starting to come out of it. I don't sleep all day like I was, though I do still sleep plenty. My anxiety was extreme and I was having panic attacks but its easing down a little. The fog is lifting and I can finally think a little clearer. Still hard to slow down reading and comprehend.

Do you have a pdoc or t you can talk t about this? I, myself, am still working on getting this under control where I can fully function.

Are you going to be safe?

[quasicrystalline]

Panic attacks are the worst. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a prolonged panic attack and not the standard quick and over kind. I'm glad to here your fog is lifting!

I do have a pdoc. I just recently started seeing her and she seems great thus far. Even though I have my standard paranoia about doctors issue going, I plan to stick with her and she's very good about listening to it. My current counselor is good too. We're working on identifying any possible triggers and coping techniques for when I'm in the depths of an episode. I think for me, it's impatience and agitation that gets the best of me. I've come to the point where I've realized I am mentally ill and have a mood disorder, but now I'm impatient about wanting medication to work and impatient with myself. The impatience is what drove me to reach for the not so healthy quick fixes in the past, and I have to remember that it'll be WORSE in the longterm if I do that, not better.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yeah its hard to remember sometimes though that the meds are only a tool. They do help a lot but they don't solve our problems. Im glad youre working with a t. Im also glad you like you pdoc so far. I totally get the impatience and agitation thing. I get so annoyed by noices its crazy!

[Nammu]

Has your Pdoc asked you yet to keep a mood chart? That might be the best way for her to see what exactly your DX is. At this point the best thing to do is follow your T and Pdocs advice and learn the coping tools they can teach you. Here at PC we can't say if it's is or isn't something, we can say it sound like me or I've had that, I can relate.

Welcome.

[Tucson]

I can relate to the OP. It sounded pretty familiar to me except the sensitivity to noises.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yea, Tucson I think I have heard lots of people deal with hypersensitivity to noises when we are unwell. It was a HUGE issue I had while hypomanic last month.

[Wander]

It sounds similar to my mixed states. Have you discussed this with your psychiatrist (if you have on)? It is a horrible mental place to be in so I deeply sympathize with you. Hang in there these states do pass but if it gets worse and you can't stay safe please call a help line or someone who can keep you safe.

[quasicrystalline]

Thank you all for the replies so much. My next appointment with the pdoc isn't until the end February, but I might go ahead and call their office tomorrow because I think it definitely might be happening again. As of last night, sleep is not happening as much, and I can't shut my mind up at all. It's not like full force yet, and even when it becomes that, I can usually ride it out and it'll pass eventually, so I'm just reminding myself of that.

Since seeking out help and being one hundred percent honest about my experiences, it's been a little strange in a good way and a bad way. The second bipolar popped up, I was like no freaking way at first, but still complied with all the testing and stuff they wanted me to do. It does make sense, I'll admit. I'm sick of the pattern. I tell myself every bad period is just a phase and I'll make all the changes to get my life back on track and tell myself it's never EVER going to happen again, and then, bam it does.

I'll definitely be safe, though. I have the hotline numbers my counselor gave me on hand in case I need them, but I think I will be able to get through it.

I'm going to attempt to sleep here very, very soon. The sooner I can sleep, the sooner it might get better, but sleeping is easier said than done I'm afraid.

thank you all once again!