I messed up

So I got an emergency pdoc appointment this morning as I couldnt stop hysterically crying before my uni appointment, so I didnt go, and then I got more depressed.

Anyway, he advised to go to hospital, called the hospital - no beds available. I said Im not a threat to myself if I stay with people so he said that its best I stay with friends, be active yet relaxed and take zyprexa twice daily until I see him next sometime in the next 10 days.

Im to keep up with my meditation and start yoga again. I guess I really really have to try and stick to a routine again as well. It will be easier in a home environment where the kids get up for school and the animals need to be fed etc. And its such a peaceful environment (when the kids arnt around lol). There are lots of things I could be doing there to aid recovery. I really hope the zyprexa doesnt zombify me so much that I do nothing.

And I hope the munchies arnt too bad!! I have just started a new diet from my GP too. I caved and got sushi this morning and I havent even started on the zyprexa yet!

I am glad you are not staying alone while you are so vulnerable but I am concerned that it may not be enough to keep you truly safe. I just OD'd on Lithium at my parents house while they were there. My self-destructive part of my brain can get really sneaky sometimes. Please take yourself to emergency if you have the urge to end your life because it only takes one minute of being actively suicidal to die. Don't worry too much about the Zyprexa. I am currently on 20mg and have had few cravings. Everyone is different though but i wanted you to know it is possible to take that med without weight gain. Take care

I saw mt T/pdoc today who also wants me in hospital, said to go on the waiting list but there are 8 people waiting and by the time I get in I'll need to leave for the wedding next weekend. My doc asked if I could miss the wedding but no way. Unless Im dead.

Its my partners birthday today. I didnt drop home to get his pressie, thought it would be too tempting to smoke or stay home by myself. I already want to go home but I know I cant look after myself. This is so frustrating.

Im finding it so tiring to be around a family, and put on a not hysterically crying face. But at least Im not drowsy from the zyprexa. Docs say thats cos my level of distress is too high. I didnt get to meditate long today but might before bed when the house is quiet again.

Docs keep saying we'll get out of this but the both agree I need more intensive treatment.

I'd go IP and forget everything else. You are more important than that.

Take good care of you.