[Saraleigh522]

I'm having a lot of issues with paranoia, believing things that (when I'm normal) I know are ludicrous, etc. I have an extensive family history of it also, but no one's ever made it to being diagnosed. I was led to believe it usually didn't start getting bad until 50's/60's, wasn't until I talked to my mom about my recent episodes that she told me otherwise. I'm going to see a professional asap because I'm freaking out and scared as hell, but a friend suggested bipolar because she went through similar stuff with her bipolar mother before she got treatment. The other things that seem possible or even probable from what I've researched are schizoaffective disorder or paranoid personality disorder, both precursors apparently to schizophrenia. So tell me about your issues with paranoia from your BPD please, bc I can handle that a lot better than the other likely options and I can't get in to a doctor until the end of next week

[Velouria]

First, "BPD" is short for Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe just "BP" is short for Bipolar (I just say Bipolar). But we get ya.

I am not officially diagnosed with bipolar, but do have "bipolar elements" according to my doctors (whatever the eff that means), paranoia being one of them.

Bipolar can be diagnosed at any age. But it's quite often tough to diagnose. And sometimes I think it just isn't a problem until it's a problem, know what I mean?

At my worst, I was really afraid I was going schizo. I really felt like I was. I thought there was a conspuracy at work against me. I was terrified of losing my job not only because of it, but because of the way I would react to what I believed was happening, when I couldn't talk myself down from that ledge. It felt, being aware of it and then not being aware, like I was being shredded to pieces.

Once, I accused my boyfriend of cheating on me because my "intuition" was telling me so. ****ed up my relationship for months. Had very little basis to accuse him. I was waiting in the parking lot to pick him up at work, he was taking too long. It was because he was in the bathroom. I couldn't stop myself from asking. I didn't do it confrontationally or angrily, I asked him because I needed to get the belief out of my head. But I caused a whole bunch of damage.

That last incident actually happened before the one I mentioned first. The one I mentioned first lasted for a long time, and it was horrible. Just horrible. It got bad enough that my pdoc put me on an antipsychotic. And that's when I realized that I've actually had paranoia all my life, it just got worse as I got older. I didn't know until a couple years later that paranoia could be a symptom of bipolar disorder.

Sometimes I'll see someone on the street and get an instant bad feeling about that person. I'll then believe that person is following me. This even once happened when the person was walking in front of me, but kept looking behind him. (I was in NYC at the time and he did it for blocks, and the most logical conclusion I can come up with is that he was probably just looking for a cab).

I get paranoid that I'm being watched and listened to. I've put black tape over the camera lens on my laptop. Sometimes I become afraid that I'm being watched through the TV.

The other day my internet was unplugged because of something that fell on the plug, but I believed my boyfriend had somehow screwed with it remotely to get me to decide to set up the treadmill I've been meaning to set up.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm thinking too loudly and that people can hear my thoughts. That used to happen a lot more before the antipsychotic. That was one of the worst feelings for me.

There's more, but I hope that gives you an idea...and helps in some way.

[Saraleigh522]

Originally Posted by Velouria

Once, I accused my boyfriend of cheating on me because my "intuition" was telling me so. ****ed up my relationship for months. Had very little basis to accuse him. I was waiting in the parking lot to pick him up at work, he was taking too long. It was because he was in the bathroom. I couldn't stop myself from asking. I didn't do it confrontationally or angrily, I asked him because I needed to get the belief out of my head. But I caused a whole bunch of damage.

THIS THIS THIS. I know I've had it for as long as I can remember, fleeting paranoid thoughts that I just chalked up to an active imagination, but lately its like they take over. Its mostly been centered around my wife. I've asked her several times if I had anything to worry about with her new coworkers, simply because she talks about them a lot. Exactly like you said, not confrontationally or angrily, but because I needed to get it out of my head. I tried explaining this to her, and she tried to understand, but I don't think she really did. She knows my family history though, and I know she's upset because she 'always thought we'd have more time' before the crazy hit. It seems the paranoia has escalated recently with one coworker in particular. I can't remember exactly what triggered it, but several times over the last couple days I've been convinced (and even accused, although I tried so hard to phrase it delicately so as not to come across that way) there is something going on with them. Another big paranoia issue has been that I will lose her because of damage done from this crap. Today its that she's been lying to me or at least leaving things out because of a stupid picture on facebook. I've cried more in the last several days than I think I have in my entire life (thanks Aunt Flow for the added emotional support lol). Next week can't come fast enough I feel like I'm drowning.

It's very hard for me to discuss my delusions and paranoia. But I will do so if it may help someone in a similar place. Something inside me wants to protect them because even though I currently know they are not real, part of me always wonders. Sometimes I think people are just waiting for me to talk about some of them so they can laugh and continue doing things to me. It's very complicated.

My last bout of paranoia had me thinking my husband was "one of them" and reporting all my behavior to the people responsible for making me crazy. Alien species who are using me as an experiment. It's very hard to explain. I thought he was transmitting messages via the computer to my tormentors. I thought all my outlets were bugged so I removed the outlet covers throughout the house and inspected them. Even though I realize these are unlikely occurrences, and I'm getting more stable, I'm fearful of admitting my thoughts. Part of me gets upset and how quickly people can dismiss my thoughts as delusions, but the other part of me knows something is not right with my thinking. It's very complicated.

I hope this is helpful. I'm sorry you are having issues and confused.

[Skywalking]

My paranoia involved me sleeping with a knife under my pillow for several months out of fear that I was being stalked by an evil entity. I had an issue with an actual stalker so that didn't help. fwiw I was very depressed at the time.

Best wishes to you, dear.

[Wander]

I am Bipolar and at times I believe people can hear my thoughts and that they are conspiring against me. It can get really bad and seriously effects my relationships and my work. Anti-psychotics seem to keep the demon at bay. Are you on any meds? Let your pdoc know all that is going on when you see him/her next week and hopefully you can find some relief and an accurate diagnosis.

[Flyer]

Luckily, my sane side can generally sort out what is real and what is not, even though the other side is telling me otherwise.

Hang in there and keep your appointment. There is help.

[Saraleigh522]

Thanks for the serious responses. Currently no meds Wander unless you count the vitamin c and fish oil I take when I remember. The fish oil I just started, the vit c I take as an immune boost when I'm feeling under the weather. I don't actually have an appt, they told me for the initial appt I have to just walk in between certain hours. I switched shifts with someone at work so I'll be off Wednesday instead of Friday, that'll be the first day I can go. Still seems like ages away, its going to be a long weekend. I really relate to the way some of you describe it though, so that gives me hope for BP instead of PPD.

Explain your concerns to your doctor when you see him/her. I know the fear you are going through first hand. No matter what the DX is, you will walk away with more knowledge than you have now.

Keep in mind that some people have more mild PPD or schizophrenia and some have severe bipolar. Unfortunately, there is no better mental illness. It's how you function and are able to cope with it which determines its severity. I wouldn't worry about the DIagnosis as much as the symptoms and how you learn to manage them. Best of luck. I hope you will keep us posted.