[Crazy Hitch]

Who reads through such long posts anyway? Probably just read through the first paragraph and go pffffft nonsense. So you can stop reading now. I won't be offended. This is one and a half pages in a Word Document. You're welcome to hop along to another post.

Seriously feel like I'm grieving at the moment. I don't have another word for it and I know it's probably not being used in context. And honestly, I'm not sure why I feel the need to write this here because no one can help me but I guess I just am.

I am grieving the loss of the fact that I'm currently not teaching and far too unstable to even consider applying for positions.

I was triggered because I was mailed the quarterly magazine from the school I was last. And I'm not there anymore.

I am grieving over the fact that that's my passion. And that's where I want to be. I miss the school. All boys private school. Think Dead Poet's Society. High income earners, chapel, elite, posh. That's kind of how it was. I miss teaching Y12s (translated 18 year old boys.) I miss running around on the tennis court coaching them and they'd give me a tennis racket and say here Miss I'm going to beat you - I challenge you to a game. I miss funny incidents like the day I was teaching a class and a student at the back threw a water bottle to his friend whilst I was doing a power point presentation and it hit the fan and came flying straight at me full blast. Didn't have time to dodge.

I even MISS teaching macro and micro economics, inflation, monetary policies, fiscal policies ... that's the really boring part of Economics (to students lol but I tried to make it fun and we had a laugh). It's like "useless" information in my brain now. Why did I even study that at University to get a Degree for 4 years? What for? How is any of this useful to me right now? Anyone want to have a discussion on the principles of Economics with me or market structure and market systems or global trade? Yeah, I didn't really think so..... So I'll just continue to pretend I'm stupid and post stupid things.

And now I don't even know what the point of this post is

I wasn't a bad teacher. Not going to float my boat. I was faculty head of 3 departments and president of the staff association. Managing 8 members of staff and numerous students across the 3 subjects I was faculty head of. Yeah I know I'm not floating my boat. I had to reapply for the position each year and in a male dominated teaching environment I was bloody suprised each year it got renewed. Like, why did they pick ME? I'll tell you why. Because the boys got super AWESOME VCE results, THATS WHY!!!!!! Because the Y12s that I taught got the HIGHEST results across all subjects against all teachers, that's why. Because parents would phone the Headmaster and request that their sons are specifically placed in my class for their last year of High School to maximise ATAR Scores. THAT'S WHY!!!! Because students would willingly change subjects when their timetable clashed and they couldn't be in my class. THAT'S WHY. Because I could motivate the boys in my class to help me with a fundraiser that raised $50,000 for a student to enable his medical assistance for a condition he had. THAT'S WHY. Because for some reason I was always asked to be MC for International Guest Speakers to parents. THAT'S WHY. Because for some reason I was one of 5 Vic Teachers chosen to explore a research project on the use of IT in teaching boys. THAT'S WHY.

Gees none of the above was even the point of my post.

Why am I not teaching you ask. Oh. Interesting story.

A random student made a complaint about me to the Head of the Senior School. Unfortunately for me the complaint came at a time in my life when I was having serious intrusive thoughts. It's due process to follow up on a complaint (I've NEVER IN 15 YEARS HAD ONE STUDENT MAKE A COMPLAINT). I cracked. I fell apart. I wanted to die. And nearly did. And somehow knew I could never go back. So I left? Leave or die. There wasn't much of any other option. My mindset was so effed at the time I thought I was getting "fired". Literally. That's ridiculous thinking about it now. I don't think I was but I was convinced at the time that I was and I wanted to die I couldn't understand out of 15 years all the hard work, fun, laughter, marking papers, exams blah yack blah I was now getting fired? Out of the hundreds and hundreds of students I've taught I'm now getting fired over one student? Did I say I wanted to die? Yeah I think I got my point across but that's where I was at.

Interested to know what the "complaint" was about? He didn't like the way I had marked one of his test papers. Yes. Serious. We mark against model answers in the faculty and then allow for accomodations and individual responses and get together as staff of domains to cross mark papers. So that was complaint number 1. Complaint number 2 by students. I must make sure that the students are not playing games on their laptops during class. Oh, good point student, that's why when I walked around I'd check browsers and if more than one browser was open with something irrelant I'd shut it. Pardon me for not having 20 pairs of eyes with xray vision that can instantaneously scan all 20 laptop screens all at once. Complaint number 3? Classic. I did not take action on a student I had caught cheating in a test. Beautiful. I didn't really know it was my responsibility to inform said students of the Department of Education guidelines that I followed in order to ensure due process was followed.

And still to this day in my mind I HAVE NO IDEA WHO COMPLAINED.

I still tell myself in my head that I was "fired".

Well, not really. After a bit of a failed suicide attempt my husband met with the Headmaster and said that's it I'm not going back. And that was that.

So I'll just continue to act stupid.

And post stupid posts.

And say stupid things so you all know how stupid I am.

Eh what do I know?

I'm not qualified in anything.

[Wander]

I am sorry for your grief. That is a lot to lose so it is totally understandable that you are grieving. I fell from a much lower position in the workplace due to physical and mental illness and struggled with deep grief so I can only imagine how hurt you must be. Did it help to write this post? Writing has certainly helped me vent my grief. Do you have any idea on what path is ahead of you yet? Any hope? You seem like a very strong and caring person through your posts. I really don' know what to say outside I hear you a hurting and really wish you well. You have lost a great deal. It will take some time to recover in any significant way but you seem like the sort of person who will make it. Hang in there and keep writing to us.

[jaciRock]

Hooligan--I quit a job once and now I realize it was probably because of my delusional disorder. In my mind it was quit or be fired but the person complaining had no real power.

Do you want to go back? I don't think your post (or you) are stupid. I also don't think it matters who complained. It's how we take it that matters.

[Crazy Hitch]

Thanks Wander.

I don't really feel "better" writing it. I think it every day. I don't write it.

I guess I'm just trying to justify my stupidity?

I really do say stupid things on PC. It just helps re-inforce how I feel I guess. If I continue acting stupid then I'm not missing out on anything because I'm too stupid to teach.

[Wander]

You are definitely not stupid...you may feel that way but unless someone else has been posting for you up till now I can certainly say you are not stupid.

[Crazy Hitch]

Eh I was called a dumpster in here actually.

Which one is better?

Should I just continue to be a dumpster?

Or should I act stupid?

[Footnote: I'm so stupid I didn't even know what the term "dumpster" meant until I googled it! Beautiful. Fits me perfectly].

I could be both.

A stupid dumpster.

[Crazy Hitch]

"Dumpster
1. A large metal container in which garbage is disposed.

2. A slang term for an ugly woman who dresses provocatively to desperately attract men.
" That girl's not pretty, she's a dumpster!"

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because truly that's how I've been behaving. Honest.

[Crazy Hitch]

For clarity I am unable to see grey area, so probably no point trying to show it to me. Just saying. Wouldn't want comments made wasting peoples time making the comment.

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