[Velouria]

So, I've been off my antipsychotic and my mood stabilizer for several days now. Yesterday I was pretty euphoric, had a lot of energy, and a ton of creative and interesting thoughts, a lot of which were pretty amusing to me and I found myself laughing a lot more.

In a way, I almost feel like I've gotten my mind back.

On the flip side, one minute I was laughing to myself about something and the next I had the sudden urge to throw myself into traffic. Then the next I was smiling again.

But I felt so good until I crashed from exhaustion since I'd woken up at 3:30 in the morning.

I felt terrified of losing control and completely wonderful about how my mind felt like it was making so many connections the way it used to. But I also felt very blurry, if that makes sense.

How do you know if how you're feeling is a result of going off the med(s), or if how you're feeling led you to the decision to go off the med(s)?

I imagine you could look at what initially made you decide to go off them, but I don't know if that gives a complete picture. I imagine there are after-effects of going off meds (obviously), but are those side-effects of some sort of withdrawal, or are they the result of brain chemistry returning to its natural state?

[GALAXYGAL]

Hi Velouria,

It is not a natural (stable) state of mind to want to throw yourself in front of traffic. Did you feel this way when you were taking medications? If you don’t want to take your medications and you are feeling like you may be out of control, even though you feel good, then please talk to your doctor. Your doctor would be able to tell you if your medications can cause withdrawals. Also, talk to your family and friends as they can tell if you are your natural self. Sometimes we aren't aware when we've crossed the line.

[wiretwister]

Be very careful,, I hope you tapered down slowly .. dangerous behaviour is no joke,, maybe you should tell your pdoc..

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by GALAXYGAL

Hi Velouria,

It is not a natural (stable) state of mind to want to throw yourself in front of traffic. Did you feel this way when you were taking medications? If you don’t want to take your medications and you are feeling like you may be out of control, even though you feel good, then please talk to your doctor. Your doctor would be able to tell you if your medications can cause withdrawals. Also, talk to your family and friends as they can tell if you are your natural self. Sometimes we aren't aware when we've crossed the line.

Thank you.

It was just an urge, but it happened very randomly. I'm not actually feeling that way.

I don't think I've crossed a line. I think I'm okay...today I almost overslept, which is strange since before I went off the medication I was waking up super early (3-4-5 a.m.) and not getting as much sleep. Hypersomnia is an old symptom that the ap had actually gotten rid of, more or less (except weekends when I wind up sleeping 12-14 hours).

I'm now wondering if my meds make me hypomanic or manic. But I went on my ap for terrible paranoia, so I don't know.

It's so confusing.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

Be very careful,, I hope you tapered down slowly .. dangerous behaviour is no joke,, maybe you should tell your pdoc..

Thank you. I'm thinking of talking to my pdoc, but I only get 15 minutes with him, so that kind of sucks.

I'm not behaving dangerously, it was just an urge that passed. It was strange because I was feeling pretty euphoric.

I'm on 40mg of Latuda, which is the 2nd lowest dosage (lowest is 20mg). So I didn't think tapering was really necessary, since I didn't taper up to that (I think my pdoc based it on body weight/height initially).

It's just so strange...I wanted to see how I really am, and I have no idea if it's meds that have caused stronger mood fluctuations, or if it's my own chemistry.

Today I feel almost flat. I don't like it.

It doesn't sound like you've been off meds too long. Your brain is on freak out mode. All the chemicals that we manually supplied are now gone, so the brain has to readjust and kick start chemical production again because all it's little factories shut down when we started eating pills. It ought to level out after awhile, but might take a bit. Good luck with that. Keep us posted on how it goes. I'm still on the fence of going that route myself. I actually was trying to remember what it was like to not be on meds 5 years ago.

[jaciRock]

IMHO--going off meds is a sign you need to increase them.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

It doesn't sound like you've been off meds too long. Your brain is on freak out mode. All the chemicals that we manually supplied are now gone, so the brain has to readjust and kick start chemical production again because all it's little factories shut down when we started eating pills. It ought to level out after awhile, but might take a bit. Good luck with that. Keep us posted on how it goes. I'm still on the fence of going that route myself. I actually was trying to remember what it was like to not be on meds 5 years ago.

Thank you.

I just remember the horrible paranoia where I felt like I was going schizo, and that's when I was put on the ap.

And then I was put on the mood stabilizer after my most recent episode in a depressive state this past summer. Which I think followed an episode of mania or hypomania and mixed states.

I can't tell if I've always been this way, or if the meds just made me aware of being this way, you know? Or if the meds made me this way. But then I look further back to before I was on meds, and I was doing some pretty bad things. It's hard to determine because I've been pretty high-functioning.

It's so confusing, I hate it!

"Meds made me aware"...you said. I was blissfully ignorant because I wasn't diagnosed till a few years ago. I don't know if I can go back now that I know about me having bipolar. I also seems so much worse for the wear now that I've gotten older.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

"Meds made me aware"...you said. I was blissfully ignorant because I wasn't diagnosed till a few years ago. I don't know if I can go back now that I know about me having bipolar. I also seems so much worse for the wear now that I've gotten older.

My doctors have told me I have "bipolar elements." I have no official DX.

Do you think meds can make you aware of how you are?

I also seem to have gotten worse, getting older.

It wasn't until last spring that I started questioning whether or not I might actually be bipolar. Up until then I was adamantly certain that I had MDD with psychotic features. But that DX doesn't explain a lot.

I just don't know if the meds made me worse, or if I got worse.

[quasicrystalline]

This sounds like me for the past couple years. I apologize for how rambly this is going to be, and I hope it is of some help to you... I've been on so many different meds, and I've often attributed everything to depression and intense anxiety. I figured the reckless periods of my life were just "phases." Once I contemplated OCD as the explanation for my erratic thoughts and perseveration, but I definitely do not have OCD. OCD tendencies, yes, but not clinically diagnosable. In some of my posts from a couple week ago, there's a heavy sampling of this doubt and wavering. You mentioned in one post that you were afraid you had schizophrenia. I totally had that thought cross my mind too. For an entire month last year, the thought kept me up at night, but I concluded it was just being I had such sleep issues. Not sleeping will make people without mental illness hallucinate after so many days.

I blame not getting diagnosed right away on being relatively high-functioning and secretive. I didn't disclose the things I felt guilty about as much as I should have in counseling. I always mentioned the depression, but rarely the symptoms I now know were mania. Once I finally did—just couldn't keep it to myself any longer—they got me an immediate psychiatric consult and psychological testing.

They also carefully combed through my records at the counseling center (all the intake assessments, etc.) and concluded it was Bipolar. At this point, I was mad I signed the release form, but I think I was just mad that what they found made Bipolar make sense. I would periodically quit going to counseling whenever I felt better, and the assessments showed polar opposites in my confidence levels as well as social anxiety levels. After two pdoc appointments, the pdoc labelled it "Bipolar NOS" because they wanted to observe me for a while to better conclude what type/whether or not I was Bipolar at all. I started keeping a journal because I read somewhere it was a good idea, but didn't show it to this pdoc. I was paranoid she'd give me the wrong DX or something like that. I was even more paranoid she'd tell me I was fine since I got A's and one B the last semester, never mind I wasn't sleeping. Some days I was like "Yeah, wow, Bipolar is definitely me" and then others I'd be like "No effing way, it's your anxiety and you said the wrong things to make them think you had this when you actually don't." I'm not a patient person, so the fact they wouldn't commit to certain type or certain diagnosis made me think I maybe didn't have it. I am fully aware that an accurate diagnosis takes time, and I ultimately do respect everyone I worked with for being thorough and not labelling me immediately, but it's tough playing the waiting game!

She did prescribe me some new medication—low dose Seroquel as a sleep aid and Lamictal. The Seroquel made me sleep better, and I credit that for postponing the inevitable manic episode I just had. I was fairly hypomanic at my second appointment. It calmed down a little bit, and then went mixed for a little bit before shifting into full blown mania. I'm lucky I had enough of an impending sense of doom to keep my counseling appointment. My therapist noticed immediately and convinced me to go to the hospital voluntarily. At the hospital, I surrendered the mood journal to the hospital pdoc, and my mother gave him our family history. Due to how manic I was, he was confident of the diagnosis beforehand, but it helped confirm it.

I think the various meds I've been on definitely played into my moods at times. I was pulled off everything except Seroquel in the hospital. They gave me a much higher dose. I've never responded well to SSRI's. They made me feel PMSy 24/7, and I'd always quit taking them after a few months. Wellbutrin helped and helped a lot. Wellbutin staved off nearly all lows for me, and I felt normal on it most of the time, but I don't think it did much for the highs—we're still trying to decide if it caused a couple highs or not. Off it, though I've also had highs. We've determined my first manic episode was when I was thirteen. I quit sleeping for about three weeks and drove my family nuts walking them up at three in the morning because I wanted to talk to them about so-called important things, lol. I grew up in a small town, though, and our family doctor thought I was being a rebellious teen and forcing myself to stay up. I got good grades and was mostly well-behaved, so it was missed. I still hold a grudge against that doctor. High school and college were largely hell for me, and I feel like they missed an opportunity to get me the help I REALLY needed.

And now ... I'll quit rambling. I guess, my point is don't give up on getting the right diagnosis. Being high-functioning is more of a curse than a blessing sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I couldn't possibly have anything serious because I a) had too much insight or b) still managed to work or go to school. Sometimes I wish I'd have just completely let myself go instead of trying to keep myself together. Hang in there!

Originally Posted by Velouria

My doctors have told me I have "bipolar elements." I have no official DX.

Do you think meds can make you aware of how you are?

I also seem to have gotten worse, getting older.

It wasn't until last spring that I started questioning whether or not I might actually be bipolar. Up until then I was adamantly certain that I had MDD with psychotic features. But that DX doesn't explain a lot.

I just don't know if the meds made me worse, or if I got worse.

Exactly what I say- the older I got the worst it became! I'm something..not sure what! Lol