I'm in a deep rut and need some help...

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago and it definitely changed my life for the better. Right now, not so much. I am currently taking 250 mgs of lamictal, 100 of zoloft, trazadone for sleep, and i occasionally take xanax. I have a great support system, my family, friends, and boyfriend are all so good to me and I'm do greatful to have them in my life.

So I was laid off from a job I was at for a little more than a year, I hated it there so I wasnt that upset about it. I was all geared up and ready to look for a new job and I was also on unemployment. 10 days later I found a new job with the same salary. I was really liking it there, mostly because the days went by so fast, but I was having trouble keeping so I was let go on Wednesday. They were extremely sweet about it and told me that they really liked me as a person and they knew I was trying my best but it just wasnt a good fit, and I agreed.

Fortunately, I am still able to be on unemployment but I have absolutely no motivation to find work. I am crying a lot and I don't want to be around anyone, even my boyfriend. I literally just want to lay in a dark room, smoke weed, and watch disney movies (which is what I do when I'm depressed). Last night at around 1am I just started sobbing while my bf was asleep next to me and I just wanted him to leave so I could be alone. I just want to lay in bed all day and watch tv to escape the awful world out there. I am in a really bad place right now but I've been trying to act strong in front of everyone else because I just don't think they would understand as much as people on here would. I know I need to look for a job since I have bills to pay and crazy student loan debt, but honestly I just want to stay away from everyone.

Mostly the reason why I am posting this is just to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. I got short term insurance from blue cross because I thought I would be getting insurance from my previous job and I just found out it doesnt cover mental health meds. I ****ing hate the healthcare system in this country...I cant afford to go talk to someone right now and I thought this would be second best.

Thank you for reading this long post. Thanks in advance for your help!

Hi Penny,

Thank you for introducing yourself to us.

You are certainly not alone in terms of what you are thinking and feeling right now and your thought processes. I've been there too and it happens with phases.

I am really glad to hear that you do have a great support system and that you are on meds to help manage symptoms. Meds don't make us immune to episodes they can help the magnitude I guess. Or in theory anyway. And require adjustment according to our mood state.

I am sorry to hear what happened with your job.

Yes, I have been in similiar situations too. It's not pleasant.

"Motivation" is a real foreign term for me when I am depressed. Almost doesn't exist in my vocabulary to be entirely honest. I tend to self isolate too during these periods. Just want to escape everyone and be by myself.

I do understand what you're going through. I really do.

And many members who read through your post will understand too.

Remember, this phase does not last.

You can work through this.

We go through ups.

We go through downs.

We go through stability too.

I wish for you the path to stability is in sight for you soon.

Right now work on the small things that you can manage and acknowledge yourself and give yourself acknowledgment when you achieve them. Set small, realistic goals, even if these goals are small goals for just the day that you want to achieve. Hell when I'm that depressed even making it to the store to buy groceries is a bloody good enough reason to give myself a pat on the back I am not joking. And try and find one thing that you enjoy doing for yourself each day. I know the word "enjoy" doesn't always fit into the equation when you're feeling depressed. But it's important to take that time to take care of yourself. Healthy nutrition. A walk around the block. Anything simple really.

Look after yourself and please keep posting to let us know how you are going.