I think I crashed/I don't mean to be this way

I slept for 14.5 hours today. I really, really hate it when this happens.

I got paid last Friday and somehow I'm already broke. I think that may be what caused it. I have no idea where my money went, because I was making withdrawals and spending cash. I know where some of it went (what I didn't spend in cash) but not all. I must have spent 400 in cash between Friday and Wednesday, and have no idea how. I can only make half my portion of rent this month. My boyfriend is not happy about it at all. Luckily he can cover, but that's not the point. And I do still owe him.

So I think my brokeness is part of the reason I've crashed. The other part I think is that I have to start therapy again and really don't want to do therapy anymore.

I don't know. I just hate this, it's not fair. I don't choose this. My friend tells me it's possible to control my feelings, but how the hell do I control them when I'm unconscious and they make me sleep over half a day and I feel like there's a weight on my head and my body?

I know this will pass, I just really didn't want to be back here again. Maybe it won't last for long...

Does anyone know how to lift out of this?

It really isn't fair . I wish I knew how to lift you out of it. I know logically that it passes but it seems impossible when I'm in it. And there's not even time for depression makes it even more unfair. So frustrating!

And I've had friends think I should just be able to control my moods & emotions & thoughts. It felt so inconsiderate and demeaning. One gf just won't hear it or believe it. And she's a school teacher telling me that the school t told her one of her students was depressed. This gf just wouldn't believe it's a real thing. I tried so hard to get thru to her. Now I don't bother even trying to have a friendship with her. It's so hard for me to find rl friends so I'm glad we have here at PC.

I really hope it will get better for you as soon as possible. Does sound like maybe ur coming down from a high. Wish there was an equation for like if we were hypo/manic for some amount of days then the depression would be some known length. Hang in there❤️

There is no time for it! I had **** to do today! I was going to go to a couple stores and return stuff I'd ordered last week. I think there's still time, it just requires that much more effort to do it. It should be so simple but I have to work myself up to it and push myself that much harder. I feel pathetic.

I just don't get the idea that one can control their feelings and moods. I don't believe it at all. I think it's something people say to you when your moods/feelings are an inconvenience to them or others. "Think of how your behavior when you feel this way affects other people." Well, if feelings are so easily controllable, they should be able to control their own feelings and reactions about it, right?

I hear ya with that gf. My boyfriend doesn't believe that anxiety is real. I really don't know how. I've tried to explain that it's actually physically measurable, that there are physical symptoms of it, but he's "not sure it's a real thing." I think it's because he doesn't ever really experience it. So luckily for me, that's actually a good thing -- I need someone more grounded than me. He believes in the other stuff -- depression, etc. -- just not that. I think it's because his mother has GAD, but his mother can also be very manipulative, so I'm sure she ruined his perspective on it by using it to manipulate. Idk.

Thank you so much. I also wish there was some equation. I've been trying to find a pattern this year, but I'm not doing very well at it. I keep forgetting to log my moods daily. So there are gaps.

It's also hard for me because I don't even really know if I get hypo/mania. I still have no real official DX, although from my appt the other day I may be coming closer to one. I just don't know how to identify if I'm in a certain state because I'm unsure. A lot of the time, though, I think I find myself winding up in a mixed state. I just don't know.

Thank you.

Agree agree hugs. Pdoc probably wants to watch for enough pattern before giving u the dx. And that's a good thing to make sure they've got it right. Sounds like u know it's going on with u tho.
Oh gosh - returning things, turning in bills and paperwork on time - total hell for me. That's my add that's always going on. But in a depression it all feels impossible. I forced myself to take my son to a movie today. It was so hard to do just that but I'm happy we did. It was bonding and he was so cute & excited. I can't wait to get out of depression & back stable again.
Hugs

Yeah, I told him about some patterns. Have to be vigilant and keep records/mood & behavior journal.

I have ADD too, it totally doesn't make keeping track easier!

I'm glad you got to take your son out, it's good you did that. I'm sure it made him very happy. Good for you!

I definitely can't wait to get out of this. I hope it's very short-lived. I'm trying to do all the things I normally do and find distractions, but it's kind of hard to find pleasure/satisfaction. I think it's mild-moderate. I'm not quite sure. Definitely not severe.