not aware of how crazy I am...

I feel guilty.

I thought everyone around me has just been real nice.

But nope, they've been walking on egg shells since my last hospitalization.

I want to be a really good person. I don't want to be an a-hole because of this disease. I know I am irritable and quick to fury --I'm working on it...but I don't want people to think that I am hard to deal with.

Perhaps some time, therapy, and medication will help? I just don't want people to be afraid of my mood swings or be avoiding conversation with me. Perhaps I can practice mindfulness more and be quiet. They say I like to steer the attention toward myself.

Anyone relate?

Every day I wake up I realize how crazy I really am as the medicine and coping does it job. But how crazy am I? I'm not psychotic but how selfish have I been? How moody have I been? How manic have I been? Where is the reality of my mental state?

Things are confusing...

-RM

Your not alone. I get it and sometimes I wish I had some other disease that people were not so afraid of talking about...I know I have my own cross to bare but it can be lonely at times. ..good night all

I can relate; when I first got out of the hospital, my family was super nice (nothing like them) and then like a light switch; total darkness. It went straight to them telling everyone “oh she’s bipolar; we don’t know what we are going to do with her.” That hurts, and is very lonely. I have gotten to the point, where I spend 98 % of my time alone, usually in my bedroom; only going out to my Dr Appointments.

Hi Bella! Thank you for your post. It hearts me that you isolate yourself. I do the same from time to time but I try to avoid it. You deserve to be out in good company! And you will feel so much better for it! Feel free to send me a message if you wish once you are allowed to by the forum.

rollymoody -

Be easy on yourself.

Easier said than done, I know.

But you have been through a lot.

You need to focus on you still.

You are still healing.

Other's perceived actions - please don't worry about it too much.

You do not have a "disease".

You have an MI.

And you choose to work actively with your medical practioners on this.

This is good.

And a positive step forward.

Keep moving in the right direction.

Hang in there.