[Velouria]

Does anyone ever feel like they're not allowed to be sick?

I feel like I'm constantly hanging on, and constantly hanging on, and constantly hanging on, and pushing my **** aside, and then this happens to this person, and that person's somewhere else, etc., etc. and I can never get a ****ing break and just keep trudging forward or racing to the end of the day or waiting to go to sleep or praying to be left alone...

Or I speak up to someone but I say way, way too much and everything pours out of me for days and I feel like I become exhausting to even the most patient person and I don't even believe they understand me or take me seriously sometimes.

I just feel like I'm never allowed to be sick, but I feel ****ing sick. But I feel like everyone expects me to suck it up and deal. And I do. That's a good thing, right?

I feel like such a mess right now. I'm paranoid, feel like I haven't slept even though I did last night, wanted everyone on the sidewalk to get away from me after leaving work, and basically felt like I was going to have some sort of break in the middle of Manhattan. I almost cried while boarding my train.

And yet I'm fine. No alarms, no surprises.

[wiretwister]

let the fears and doubts pour out,, cry with us,, we will be there for you...your feelings are important and deserve to be heard...your not going to wear us out..I hope you can find some answers..and peace... please keep posting...we (I) care.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

let the fears and doubts pour out,, cry with us,, we will be there for you...your feelings are important and deserve to be heard...your not going to wear us out..I hope you can find some answers..and peace... please keep posting...we (I) care.

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.

I'm afraid of whatever is going on with me. Sometimes it's great, but when it's scary, it's really scary. I don't even know how to describe the actual feeling of how I feel right now. But I'm afraid one day I'll lose all control and just snap. And I don't know what I'll do if that happens.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Velouria

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.

I'm afraid of whatever is going on with me. Sometimes it's great, but when it's scary, it's really scary. I don't even know how to describe the actual feeling of how I feel right now. But I'm afraid one day I'll lose all control and just snap. And I don't know what I'll do if that happens.

Yes, I understand this fear.

The fear of knowing what is causing this and what these symptoms are.

I get this too.

It's not nice being scared of ourselves - or worrying about where / what is causing these symptoms.

Yes, being afraid of losing all control and snapping, I guess is the root of this fear.

Realistically, if this happened, you'd have to be in an extreme mood state, I woud think.

Well, I say this from personal experience only please.

The only time I snapped and went all out at work (well I'd assume you woud not want to snap in public or have others see you snapping)

was when I was extremely unwell but I was foolish enough to not take medical leave or a leave of absence.

I guess if you're working closely enough with your pdoc, you will be assisted in this regard.

[scatterbrained04]

((((Velouria))))

[kmptrgeek]

I know exactly what your feeling. Sometimes I wish I had never been diagnosed, because now I know I have something that doesn't have a cure (yet). Before I could just think everything would be better if my circumstances were different, or people would just leave me alone. But now I know there's that monster in the woods and it just depends on how close to the woods I am. When I'm in the woods with the monster...it's bad...and I feel like no one can understand except those who have also been in the woods with the monster.

Yeah, I know...too much.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Yes, I understand this fear.

The fear of knowing what is causing this and what these symptoms are.

I get this too.

It's not nice being scared of ourselves - or worrying about where / what is causing these symptoms.

Yes, being afraid of losing all control and snapping, I guess is the root of this fear.

Realistically, if this happened, you'd have to be in an extreme mood state, I woud think.

Well, I say this from personal experience only please.

The only time I snapped and went all out at work (well I'd assume you woud not want to snap in public or have others see you snapping)

was when I was extremely unwell but I was foolish enough to not take medical leave or a leave of absence.

I guess if you're working closely enough with your pdoc, you will be assisted in this regard.

(((Hooligan))) Thank you.

I don't think I necessarily need a medical leave of absence...but then again the thought keeps creeping into my head, "What if I snap at work? What if I get fired? What if I have to go to the hospital?" I know what would most likely put me into the hospital.

I'm trying to bring my pdoc up to speed. There has been so, so much I haven't told him. I have started coming clean with him.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

((((Velouria))))

Thank you. (((Scatterbrained)))

During this last mania, I have been thinking, "I need to be in the hospital , i can't do this. I can't slow down."

But I can't be in the hospital. I have 2 sons that are my responsibility. I have to be there for them. They need me.

It is the thing that keeps me striving to stabilize.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

I know exactly what your feeling. Sometimes I wish I had never been diagnosed, because now I know I have something that doesn't have a cure (yet). Before I could just think everything would be better if my circumstances were different, or people would just leave me alone. But now I know there's that monster in the woods and it just depends on how close to the woods I am. When I'm in the woods with the monster...it's bad...and I feel like no one can understand except those who have also been in the woods with the monster.

Yeah, I know...too much.

The person who's close to me who I think knows about the monster in the woods hasn't responded to my latest inquiry, and it hurts. I don't know why he hasn't yet responded.

The other night, before I got home and wrote this post, as I was walking to the train from work I felt like my world was in fragments. I wanted everyone on the street to get the f**k away from me. The black pavement that shined in the rain and the streetlights seemed like it was going to break apart. I felt like I was going to have a break in the middle of Manhattan. I felt like I was tripping on mushrooms. My gut felt like it was being pulled down. I felt like I was close to tears as I was about to board my train. But I didn't feel low.

I don't know what that was. I don't know if it was anxiety, or something else. It was scary.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Thank you.