[lunaticfringe]

So I just got released from the hospital yesterday and am dealing with a few things today, thoughts swirling in my mind and such.

The first one is dealing with stigma. I haven't worked in months and am applying for SSDI, been in the hospital twice recently, and just generally having a really tough time. When people I know ask me how I'm doing, I feel so much shame and embarrassment about telling them that hey, I'm doing absolutely nothing these days and I'm dealing with a serious illness. I don't want their pity, even though they are my good friends. How do other people respond to situations like this, especially if you're unable to work? What if a new acquaintance asks you the all too common question, "What do you do?"?

The second thing is...even though multiple doctors have given me the same diagnosis over the years, I am having so much trouble accepting that I truly am (or have) bipolar. At night I pour my handful of pills into my palm and feel such sadness. Is this really my life? Yet I know that if I were to stop taking them, my life would fall apart. On top of it I have a thyroid condition now (because of lithium) that I have to take even more medication for. It's just all really hard to take...even after all these years I can't accept it. Anyone else have trouble with this? Was there anything that helped you to accept your bipolar?

Thanks.

[BipolaRNurse]

I just tell people I'm retired. (I was a nurse for 17 years.) I'm 56 so it's not outside the realm of possibility for a person to be retired at my age, especially from a career that demands so much from its practitioners.

I have on occasion said I'm disabled, but of course people want to know why and I'm uncomfortable stating the truth. I've found it's much better to say I'm retired and now have turned my attention to full-time writing, which is almost the truth.

[Nammu]

I know exactly what you mean. That's how I felt when they told me to get SSDI, I was 27 at the time. I didn't deal well with knowing what or how to deal with people asking me what's up. I hid in shame and hung around losers because that's how I thought of myself. I strongly recommend seeing a T and finding out how to deal with these feelings and the denial. My life would have been much different and smoother if I had learned to deal with my self esteem issues from getting labeled Bipolar.
I'm really glad you recognize the necessity of taking the meds. I kept going off of them trying to prove I wasn't bipolar. It didn't work and prolonged my getting better. If you work on this you can have I life. Go back to school or get a job.

[Victoria'smom]

My husband says he's a web designer. If I remember right you like to read? do you write at all? When BP isn't being a **** what do you like to do? I can give you tons of titles based on that. Or you could be studying to be a social worker.

I'll tell you a secret.... I have never accepted my Dx. I'll spit fire at anyone who suggests I'm manic. I'll make you believe the things I do through logic, if you're not careful and as I'm locked in the bathroom crying on my inlaws floor I'll swear it's a migraine not depression. I can't get it through my head I have BP. Yes I go to T convince him I'll survive the week while explaining why my continued existence is selfish. I only take my medication because I promise. I have a good 50 years to accept this but I doubt I will.

[lunaticfringe]

I do like to read and I also write sometimes but just recording events and feelings in my journal. I also paint. I don't know I love to be outside, love animals and children. Thanks for the tip! That would work with a brand new acquaintance but it doesn't feel too good to me to have to lie like that, although I would rather lie than say the truth...which is awful!! I wish there was another way or that people were more understanding but unfortunately they're not for the most part.

Awww sweety. Hope you feel better. When people ask me how I'm doing, I take it as a courtesy because they really don't want to know because they are more interested in talking about themselves, which I let them. My standard response is "I'm a little rough for wear but I'm doing all right. How are YOU doing?"

I treat my bipolar condition as a "a need to know" basis. It's for me to know and none of your business.

Someone just asked me on youtube what I do for money. It was very rude. I am lucky to be in a comfortable situation due to my parents. I could never support myself. I also have multiple sclerosis. And am a single mother with 2 kids. I totally respect anyone on SSDI.

BTW,
I wanted to say I was a high class, middle-aged,crazy, prostitute to the person who asked.

Nothing against them.

[thom2297]

I am dealing with a similar situation. I was hospitalized about 8 months ago. I have been diagnosed for several years and I am just truly coming to terms with my diagnosis. Some things that I remind myself of is that this is not the end of the line. Many people with bipolar disorder go on to live very productive lives. You just have to get your meds and therapy routine down pat. This is not the end of the line. You may still be able to go back to doing the work you used to do. Or, you may find new work to do. Right now though, you may just need some rest and time to get your meds and therapy routine straight. I was able to finish school after I was released from the hospital and get a Master's degree. It's not the end of the line. It's just a pause in the road trip - a rest stop.

[lunaticfringe]

Thank you SO much for that thom...my plan is to eventually go to school. I'm very intelligent and have other gifts that I want to put to use. Like you said I do need rest now. It's so comforting to know others understand.

[gemini_double]

Same boat here. I'm almost 33 and have been told by many that SSDI is the way to go, so that's where I'm going...for now. I wouldn't say it's a permanent thing. I also don't like the fact that I'm bipolar but it's just that, a fact. I'm absolutely crazy without medication and for me it is a very scary place to be un-medicated. I don't want to remember that place but I do. I'm also not working and often lie to people about work, only to people I meet on a casual basis. Family is the only people who know what my Dx is, friends I just keep it casual and don't talk about work. I, like you, don't want the pity either. It's a tough road in all aspects. Take it day by day, you'll figure things out.

It is like I am ashamed I am not doing more. But I am doing the best I can for now.

When acquaintances ask me how I'm doing, I say "I'm hanging in there." I don't talk about my bipolar to them. With my husband, brother/family and my good friend, I tell them exactly how I'm doing (most of the time), which lately is not very well.