Feeling uncomfortable with T

What would you do if you found out that your T took on your ex as a client? I told him months ago that I didn't feel comfortable and he said that if ,y ex came to him that he would refer him to someone else. Than a couple of weeks ago I said it again because my ex said he was going to call my T for an appointment and T said that he thinks he can be impartial. Now I find out that my T has taken him on as a regular client on the same day as me. There are 20 other Ts in this building alone and hundreds in this area. I have been with mine for years and he has saved my life a couple of times.

What would you do?

i would be so uncomfortable with that... idk what i would do...

I think once you reach a point where you are uncomfortable with your T, you definitely have an issue on your hands. I believe you should discuss this with your T, or if you are beyond that point, find another one.

I can understand why you would be uncomfortable. I would not be comfortable sharing T's with my ex.

Keep us posted on what you decide, and how you handle it.

It's such a shame, because it sounds like you have an excellent patient/therapist relationship prior to this. That is difficult to find. I'm sorry you are faced with this.

I would feel betrayed if the T. said they would refer the ex to someone else and then did not. We are all people, including T's & bound to feel/think/in some ways judge one person against another if they are/have been in a serious relationship. I don't think your T. did the ethical thing...
I would discuss it. I would likely change Ts.

I hate the idea of changing and starting from scratch. This T even drove me to the hospital once. But I also hate the idea that yes, he will maintain confidentiality but as you said he is human and will form opinions about us. I don't want to be sitting there thinking that as I am baring my soul, he is comparing it to what my ex is saying about me. Situation sucks. My ex had seen someone else for a few sessions but said he wasn't't getting what he needed. Chances are that T called him on his BS so he went to my T who he had seen with me now and then over the years and their relationship was based on the fake persona of his being a great guy victimized by my bipolar *****iness that he put on when we had couple's therapy.
What a mess.

I am not sure if you all know the back story but while we were married he was somewhat emotionally abusive calling me the B word and then saying it was a joke, and living a secret life making hook up dates with women, men transgender people and escorts. He ran ads on Craigslist looking for people to hook up with and offering his services as a driver for escorts to make extra money or to trade for favors. All the while claiming he had no interest in sex and going to couples therapy pretending he was working on the relationship. When I found out about his secret, I told him to leave and we got a divorce, sold the house and I moved to a new town. He almost tried for custody until I told him that I had given my attorney printouts of everything I had found online including solicitation. His friend, the owner of the school my kids went to and where ex works, tried to get my oldest son's father go for custody too, but he is a good guy and told me about it.
Everything is done and settled and if I didn't have to interact with him as my son's father, he would be entirely out of my life. So to have him spinning his lies to my T is a problem for me.
I want my safe haven back. By the way, my T knows all about the lies. My ex needs serious therapy but he should be made to go to someone else.

And I have always been super polite to my T. I worry about being a bad patient. I might have to express some anger in my appointment Monday so I am nervous.

Wow my ex has a lot to do with why I'm seeing a T so I personally would not be comfortable with this. As a nurse I've worked closely with quite a few Ts & this just doesn't sound like a good idea-it's only my opinion but I think I would feel betrayed & probably seek a new one-maybe your T is having some boundary issues or something. Sorry you are going through this-hope you can work something out that will be positive & comfortable for you-take care.

I share a psychiatrist with my ex and my current therapist has worked with my ex in the past too. It doesn't bother me too much though. I highly doubt he would be talking about me in his sessions (I know he doesn't go to therapy anymore anyway). I haven't even told my psychiatrist or my therapist that they work with my ex, so they couldn't put 2 and 2 together anyway most likely unless he gave them my name which I doubt. He's not one to open up about his feelings to strangers and when he does he keeps it strictly about himself. I know this about him. Plus we didn't break up on awful terms, I just broke up with him because he never had sex with me anymore (he had no sex drive whatsoever) and we had become very codependent and I had lost all of my friendships and I wanted to start fresh and rebuild my friendships. Still working on that. Plus we are both bipolar and our cycles didn't exactly match up, which caused a lot of problems.

But I can see why you might be losing trust for your therapist. I can empathize with not wanting to start over. Could your therapist recommend another therapist at the place you go to that your therapist thinks would be an especially good match for you so that you at least have the advantage of a good recommendation and not having to search around?

Hi BNLS

Based on what you have written, here's my personal take:

Sorry.

If that were me.

I'd find another T.

As a non negotiable.

I mean you were told that he would be referred to someone else.

So - for me, there would be some serious trust issues in the professional relationship between me and my T.

Appointment is tomorrow morning... We'll see how it goes.

I would most definitely voice my objections. Taking on your ex as a client is really not ethical, particularly since he had already said he would not do so.

Your T needs an asswhippin

I believe in patient authority. Them over paid yahoos work for us. I'd fire my T and move on to a new one, no questions asked because the talk has been talked. Talk about conflict of interest. Soon you'll have both of them ganging up on you. Maybe your T is SuperT and can handle you both? Would you want to risk it? Not me!

I had my appointment yesterday and I told him how I felt. He asked me if I wanted to go to someone else or if I wanted my ex to go somewhere else so I told him I wanted my ex to go somewhere else. So he said he will "feel out" my ex on going elsewhere.

I would expect him to more than "feel out" your ex. He made a mistake in taking your ex. as a client. He needs to give your ex. some referral names and explain to him why they change has to be made. Accept no less. (Do give him a bit of time to put that process into place, but it shouldn't take much time.) AND, I would absolutely instinst that in the meantime your sessions should NEVER fall on the same day. There is no reason you should in any way have to be exposed to your ex. without your own choosing.

Is your T an ahole or just plain stupid???


Why on earth would he need to feel out your ex? He wasn't supposed to be seeing him in the first place!!!!


I'm so mad and it's not even my T, can't imagine how you must be feeling!!!!


Idk, this sounds so fishy to me, like is your T wanting to investigate your relationship with your ex by getting his side and comparing notes, or is he looking for a twisted client because he's bored....

Or is he desperate for money, gambling problem, or expensive hobbies???


As your T his loyalty should lie with you, your wellbeing should be his priority, not a new client with whom you have such a traumatic past.


His behavior just doesn't add up, I smell a rat. A huge smelly, beady eyed, rabid rat.


If it were me and my T asked me if I wanted a referral or he should provide my ex with one, I would tell him that he needed to choose between us, my ex or me. Because clearly I had stated my feelings surrounding taking my ex on a client.