[ozzy1313]

In public and at work I am known as the fun easy going one but at home I am a monster. I rage at the kids and yell all the time. Mainly about stuff around the house that doesn't get done. I worry ALL the time that I am screwing my kids up. They are 13 and 16 and I feel non stop guilt at all my yelling. It's pretty much the only this I want to improve on. I beat myself up every day for it and last night my husband said how I have to lay off the kids and that they are going to turn against me and shut me out of their lives. My biggest fear and he was an asshole about it. At this point I have no desire to ever talk to him. My kids still hang around me and don't act like they hate me, but I'm sure they will if I keep going. I don't think my husband has ever said anything so hurtful

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[Crazy Hitch]

I think that you've learnt a degree of self control at work.

So it may not necessarily mean that you "never" get angry at work.

It could just mean that you have coping strategies that you may not even be aware of in order to stop you from projecting your anger visibly.

Makes sense.

I mean work is your career.

You run around angry and screaming constantly at work?

That may not end very well and it is your income ....

At home?

Your guard is down.

The "consequence" of your anger being projected onto others may not have an immediate impact on you.

But you are aware of this and I am really glad that you are.

I have always said the first step towards change is admit that a problem exists.

We can not change what we do not acknowledge.

And you acknowledge that this is having an impact on your kids.

Look.

I need to be blunt here now please bear with me and forgive me for saying this:

Your kids have no voice so I feel the need to be their voice.

You need to work on strategies (with possibly a therapist?) as soon as possible to work out how you are going to stop projecting this anger around your kids.

Bottom line is.

Fact.

You ARE hurting your kids.

And could be causing long term damage.

THEY are not the adult here.

YOU are.

Now fix this.

I am gald that you have shared this post with us.

I really am.

I feel that you are going to be making really positive steps forward in your life.

And I know that you will soon be able to work on strategies to protect your kids and to protect yourself.

Hang in there.

[scatterbrained04]

(((((Ozzy)))))) I do the same thing to my son, usually over his messes. You took the words out of my mouth.

[Turtlesoup]

That's pretty rough all the way around-I think it's huge that you can admit the fact that you have control at work but not at home. My Dad is like that & also my 1st husband-people just cannot believe that fun loving good natured people in public can just totally lose it at home. Your kids do need you to show them the way as they are becoming young adults. Not sure what the answer is just want to give you some support & send virtual hugs your way Vent away here as much as you need to-I already lived through my daughter being a teen & was also an adolescent treatment nurse so I can suggest to pick your battles carefully. Remember in a hundred years it won't matter if all the chores got done on time or the house was messy take care ozzy

[ozzy1313]

I have been trying to change at home for at least 10 years. I seem to lack the mothering ability. Out of everything this is the main issue that makes me think suicidal thoughts. I wonder if they would be better without me. I doubt they would think that but I do. But then I don't know who would take care of them. Unless my husband found a better wife. This is the spiral my brain takes

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Home life can be so stressing. I used to rage thinking I was instilling order and parental guidance, until my son asked me why I hated him so much. I choked. A lot of it was from untreated bipolar, but also frustrations, expectations, fear, inadequecies about myself, my incapabilities, worry, poor self image, self doubt, etc. the problems were more about me that I was projecting out on them. I knew then that I had a lot of personal work to do. Things got better for us.

[raspberrytorte]

I too have anger issues.

We have a three year old daughter, and toddlers can be so maddening at times, and I had difficulty adjusting to the fact that I wasn't going to be able to show any emotion at all at home because I would never be alone, and I didn't want to scare her with my rages. I used to be a book thrower, a plate smasher, a kick holes in doors kind of person on occasion. I can't be that way now.

When she was two and really trying I used to lock myself in the bedroom and sit against the door, but that always made her upset and she would scream MOMMY MOMMY and try to get in. I felt like a monster! And it only made it worse when my husband said that would be traumatizing for a kid. But what would be more traumatizing? Seeing mommy in an angry, toy throwing rage, or having her give herself a time out in the bedroom?

Luckily she's a good kid for the most part, and it was just that two age I found the most difficult in controlling my anger.

Now when I'm unbearably angry I go for long car rides and scream at the top of my lungs. Sounds crazy, but it feels really good, and it's the only time I'm able to express my negative emotions! I've gone for long car rides and cries too.

Maybe doing something like that would help you control your anger at home, by getting it all out when you're alone.

Hugs. And good luck.

[ozzy1313]

The rage revolves around me feeling like I am doing everything at home, or the kids not doing homework which causes great anxiety bc I then worry needlessly about their futures etc etc and I get mad and scared and yell bc I don't know what to do. Obviously I have some issues. I also have huge road rage and get mad at drivers I think are stupid (ie not doing what I think they should). Basically I am an asshole but no one outside my family would ever ever know. I'm in dbt class and hope that helps. Sometimes I just wish my overdose 22 years ago had worked. I just feel toxic to those around me. My therapist says I shame myself and put myself down all the time but I think I have a legit reason why

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[ozzy1313]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Home life can be so stressing. I used to rage thinking I was instilling order and parental guidance, until my son asked me why I hated him so much. I choked. A lot of it was from untreated bipolar, but also frustrations, expectations, fear, inadequecies about myself, my incapabilities, worry, poor self image, self doubt, etc. the problems were more about me that I was projecting out on them. I knew then that I had a lot of personal work to do. Things got better for us.

Sounds a lot like me and my feelings about myself. How did you begin to change?

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Originally Posted by ozzy1313

Sounds a lot like me and my feelings about myself. How did you begin to change?

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When my son said that to me, I realized that it wasn't everyone else but me. I raged over doors being left open, cabinet doors, stuff laying around. I felt so disrespected. I was an out of control control freak. I also realized that everyone's going to hate me because of my outrageous behavior, especially my son. I had to accept that I'm not in control and that they are who they are no matter how much I tried to change them to what I thought was right. I had to come to peace with this. I also practiced being calm when things didn't go the way I thought it should. There are plenty of times I started yelling and I'd cut myself off, swallowing what's left. It's a hard thing to do because it was so new to me. I also practiced smiling, being comfortable and make my kid laugh too. They respond better when your nice to them and less spiteful when disciplined.

We know that people at work, fellow co workers, that we have absolutely no control over, and to rage at work would be insane let alone financially devastating. Of course there's a few internal gripes for "them" special people. Road rage, no one can hear you scream (hopefully). We are in our private bubble and we have a mean streak over others stupidity. I can't stand stupid people.

Also, I've done the 12 steps and the principles written and taught also helped.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I hope this helps hun.

I am with you posters. I act much more bossy and angry at home. Its like it festers inside all day and then i blow.

It is directed towards kids, dogs, inanimate objects, myself.

I hit my son this last manic period. I am so ashamed. I just lost it. He is 18 and 6'6'' 180lbs. I couldn't get him to get out of bed and go to school. He is a senior. He said "efff you and leave me alone". I told him if he didn't stop cussing, I would punch him. He said "go away *****," so i punched him in his leg ( he was laying down.)

I know I didn't hurt anything but his self-esteem. I have slapped my kids maybe 5 times in their lives total and it was when they were toddlers. I have never hurt them since.

Then.....mania happened and i lost my self-control. I am acting *****y, so my kids act *****y. It is a vicious cycle.

I was very wrong and have since apologize. He brings it up every day now. (it was maybe a week ago.0

A single mentally ill mom , with 2 teenage boys. Not easy.

[ozzy1313]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

When my son said that to me, I realized that it wasn't everyone else but me. I raged over doors being left open, cabinet doors, stuff laying around. I felt so disrespected. I was an out of control control freak. I also realized that everyone's going to hate me because of my outrageous behavior, especially my son. I had to accept that I'm not in control and that they are who they are no matter how much I tried to change them to what I thought was right. I had to come to peace with this. I also practiced being calm when things didn't go the way I thought it should. There are plenty of times I started yelling and I'd cut myself off, swallowing what's left. It's a hard thing to do because it was so new to me. I also practiced smiling, being comfortable and make my kid laugh too. They respond better when your nice to them and less spiteful when disciplined.

We know that people at work, fellow co workers, that we have absolutely no control over, and to rage at work would be insane let alone financially devastating. Of course there's a few internal gripes for "them" special people. Road rage, no one can hear you scream (hopefully). We are in our private bubble and we have a mean streak over others stupidity. I can't stand stupid people.

Also, I've done the 12 steps and the principles written and taught also helped.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I hope this helps hun.

You are so spot on. I want control, I get angry when I feel I am being taken advantage of etc. Everything you have said fits me. I know my kids love me, it's just so unfair to them to have me like this. I am not an addict/alcoholic, but I went to aa meetings for a summer a few years ago and loved them. Got more out of them then I ever did in therapy.