Hi everyone,

I've never joined a health forum before, but I'm at that point in my life where I'm unsure of where to turn. I don't know if anyone wants to hear my story, but here's a summary:

- Age 6: Diagnosed with sleep apnea and adenoids removed.
- Age 8: Diagnosed as hyperactive and borderline gifted. Doctor said I would grow out of hyperactivity.
- Age 8: Traumatic episodes in grade school involving authorities locking me in janitor's closet for hours or entire school days; ostracized by fellow students.
- Puberty: What I considered typical - lots of anger, fighting, some emotional abuse from parents.
- Age 19: Fell in love with abusive person, traumatic physical abuse episode left me bloody on front steps and friends had to fetch me home. Diagnosed with anger management issues and unsuccessfully treated. Diagnosed by separate doctor with major depression, not treated. Diagnosed by separate doctor with bipolar, not treated.
- Age 20: Moved back home with family - emotional abuse continued. Traumatic episode involving hurricane that wiped out town I grew up in and losing friends/grandmother; no emotional support provided.
- Age 21: Diagnosed with PTSD, not treated.
- Age 22-25: What I considered typical 20s - lots of sexuality and inability to consider long-term consequences for my actions.
- Age 27: Traumatic episode arising from past promiscuity - began to believe others may be out to get me. Diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, not treated.
- Age 28-30: Began pursuing serious treatment options for depression and anxiety. Unsuccessful attempts in medicating for anxiety and depression.
- Age 29: Discovered my mother has borderline personality disorder and short-term memory loss - brought understanding to emotional abuse but also triggered a lot of anger.
- Age 30: Serious depressive episode starting at age 29 continues. Peaks of high energy and not feeling "myself" but trusting in antidepressant medication, reliable and loving partner, and one psychiatrist (visit once a month) and one psychologist (visit weekly) to help me improve.

This week, my psychologist contacted my psychiatrist and said based on her observations of me over the last year, the struggles we've had in my medication, and recent behavior in a group therapy class have lead her to believe (and my psychiatrist agreed) that I may be suffering from bipolar II disorder. I undergo a full diagnostic in 3 weeks, but the agony of realizing I may be bipolar and having to wait is killing me. My boss has asked me to cut back hours at work for my own health and I find myself feeling "lost."

I do not know anyone with Bipolar II disorder, nor do I know what it may have been like for others to experience it without realizing it, and what the diagnosis (and hopefully subsequent treatment) may have been like for others. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I am ashamed, I am looking at all the traumatic episodes and abuse as my fault - as results for possible hypomanic episodes. I'm looking at a lifetime of mistakes and wondering if they are all parts of a continuing cycle...that I may be prone to accidentally throwing away the wonderful relationship I'm in and enjoyable job I have during another episode. I'm so terribly depressed and have been for a while - is this a low? I worry that my relationship may have been built during a stable episode and that I could lose it because of an attitude I can't seem to control.

Is this Bipolar or have I just finally broken? Please help.

Having bipolar does not mean you deserve any kind of abuse. You did nothing wrong to deserve abuse. Nothing you have written has anything to do with acting in a bipolar way. IMHO

There are many people who have bipolar that have not grown up in abusive relationships.
Trauma has nothing to do with hypomania.

Could you list some of the things you have done when you feel you were hypomanic? Or ways that you have acted?

[gayleggg]

I'm bipolar II. There is hope. Now I'm pretty much stable except for periods of depression. I'm being treated with an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer.
I don't participate in as risky behaviors that I did at on time. And I don't get as depressed as I used to. I still have some issues with anxiety and irritability. But overall I'm better than I was untreated.

Best wishes, Gayle
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Having bipolar does not mean you deserve any kind of abuse. You did nothing wrong to deserve abuse. Nothing you have written has anything to do with acting in a bipolar way. IMHO

There are many people who have bipolar that have not grown up in abusive relationships.
Trauma has nothing to do with hypomania.

Could you list some of the things you have done when you feel you were hypomanic? Or ways that you have acted?

Hi Valentina, Thank you for responding and inquiring.

The "episodes" or whatever they might be called have occurred about three times in the last five years or so. There may be others but my memory is poor and I'm having a lot of trouble piecing things together right now.

- Episode 1 (or at least, the one I can recall): I was in a good (non-abusive) relationship and comfortable. But I started to feel as if I had too much testosterone or something - I can't really explain it - I became angry, and slept with someone I just met. I went to a casino and gambled and partied - I acted as if nothing could stop me and I somehow "deserved" to have all this "fun." However, the fun wrecked me. I lost money, I nearly lost my relationship, I lost myself. I look back and I CANNOT understand what got into me or why I did it. This period lasted about three weeks; I hate myself for it.

- Episode 2: I was hit with another angry/sexually agitated state that also lasted about three weeks. Again, I was in a safe, healthy, and stable relationship at the time. This time I slept with someone I barely met and who I was under the impression was in the midst of a divorce. Turns out - this person lied to me and no divorce had yet taken place. This turned out to be an affair of which I am ashamed of to no end. This person's spouse pursued me and I have been scared that people are out to get me ever since. I remember thinking that I can do what I want and I should have always done what I wanted - caution to the wind. When it all came crashing down I of course hit a depressive state that has lasted six months or so.

- Episode 3: Someone I've known for a while date-raped me, even though once again I was in the same stable, healthy relationship that I've been in since the beginning. I decided to pursue this person and sleep with them again, thinking this would somehow empower me beyond the date-rape episode. I remember being in a dream-like state, as if nothing could stop me - and this lasted for weeks. Afterward I entered a more stable state (instead of a full depression) and went back to my healthy relationship, completely abandoning the date-raper (like all those who came before in the other episodes) and "deleting" them from my life. About a year later, I hit a really intense depressive episode that is still active today.

In all, I am still in the same stable relationship I was in at the beginning of these three episodes. My partner knows everything that happened and is working to support me through therapy. We are healthy, and some days I feel happy. But the rest of the time I feel like I can never get past the monster I was, and I'm scared it could happen again.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm bipolar II. There is hope. Now I'm pretty much stable except for periods of depression. I'm being treated with an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer.
I don't participate in as risky behaviors that I did at on time. And I don't get as depressed as I used to. I still have some issues with anxiety and irritability. But overall I'm better than I was untreated.

Best wishes, Gayle
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Hi Gayle,

I am really happy to hear someone's success story. I think the scariest thing for me is that I can't explain what happened to me or why I did the things I did, or if they might happen again. I know I'm responsible for my actions, but I also feel out of control at times.

I tried antidepressants and have had mixed luck - they help some but I still hit these lows and can't shake them. I'm glad to hear they are working for you. Perhaps if I combine antidepressants with a mood stabilizer I can be in better shape. Thank you for sharing.

I looked up the definition of bipolar 2.

What Is Bipolar 2 ( Bipolar II) Disorder?

"Hypomanic Episodes-
The article What Is Hypomania? gives in-depth information about the upper end of the Bipolar 2 mood swings.

A few of the most common symptoms are:
Not needing a lot of sleep, but not being tired
Having more energy than usual
Risky behavior, such as reckless spending (see Controlling Spending in Mania and Hypomania for strategies that have helped our readers)
Grandiosity, pressured speech and/or racing thoughts.
One of the things that distinguishes Bipolar II from Bipolar I is that while the symptoms of hypomania can interfere with daily life, they don't cause "marked impairment in social or occupational functioning." Another difference is that there are no psychotic symptoms during hypomania. However, psychosis may appear during depressive episodes.
Depressive Episodes

The article What Is a Major Depressive Episode? gives the specific things a psychiatrist looks for in a patient to gauge the severity of depression.

Here are a few of the most common symptoms:
Insomnia or hypersomnia
Unexplained or uncontrollable crying
Severe fatigue
Loss of interest in things the patient enjoys during euthymia
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide "

I am not a doctor. Your behavior could a number of things. Could it be that you are just self-sabotaging because you are uncomfortable being in healthy relationships?

There are people who cheat and gamble who are not bipolar. Although you could be.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I looked up the definition of bipolar 2.

What Is Bipolar 2 ( Bipolar II) Disorder?

"Hypomanic Episodes-
The article What Is Hypomania? gives in-depth information about the upper end of the Bipolar 2 mood swings.

A few of the most common symptoms are:
Not needing a lot of sleep, but not being tired
Having more energy than usual
Risky behavior, such as reckless spending (see Controlling Spending in Mania and Hypomania for strategies that have helped our readers)
Grandiosity, pressured speech and/or racing thoughts.
One of the things that distinguishes Bipolar II from Bipolar I is that while the symptoms of hypomania can interfere with daily life, they don't cause "marked impairment in social or occupational functioning." Another difference is that there are no psychotic symptoms during hypomania. However, psychosis may appear during depressive episodes.
Depressive Episodes

The article What Is a Major Depressive Episode? gives the specific things a psychiatrist looks for in a patient to gauge the severity of depression.

Here are a few of the most common symptoms:
Insomnia or hypersomnia
Unexplained or uncontrollable crying
Severe fatigue
Loss of interest in things the patient enjoys during euthymia
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide "

I am not a doctor. Your behavior could a number of things. Could it be that you are just self-sabotaging because you are uncomfortable being in healthy relationships?

There are people who cheat and gamble who are not bipolar. Although you could be.

Thank you for the journal articles. It does seem like some of that fits. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I certainly feel really low. I thought maybe there have been times I sabotaged myself willingly, but unwillingly as in these episodes I don't understand why I would. But, I guess that's why I'm here asking :/

I don't know. I think only a psychiatrist can tell you.

Everyone behaves differently with this disease.
I would never gamble, for example.But I would spend a ton of money on myself and loved ones.
I would not cheat, although I might have sex with a partner many, many times. Or masturbate many times.
When I am depressed, I want to die. I can't get out of bed and can't go anywhere. I don't shower or eat.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I don't know. I think only a psychiatrist can tell you.

Everyone behaves differently with this disease.
I would never gamble, for example.But I would spend a ton of money on myself and loved ones.
I would not cheat, although I might have sex with a partner many, many times. Or masturbate many times.
When I am depressed, I want to die. I can't get out of bed and can't go anywhere. I don't shower or eat.

Agreed, doctor will help and confirm it once and for all, at least I hope so. Are you depressed now or doing better? Are you on meds and have they worked?

Yep.

I was stable and "high functioning" according to my doctor. I was on 100 lamictal and 100 lexapro and zolpidem for sleep.

I was on vacation and I was eating very healthy. Had very little alcohol, exercising daily, little caffeine, plenty of sleep and in a sunny place.

So I decided I could do it without meds. I went off everything cold turkey. BAD, BAD move.

I had a big manic episode within 2 weeks.

I tried lithium for 1 week, and abilify next. Didn't agree with me.

I am back on lamictal. I had to titrate very slowly. 2 weeks at 25, 2 weeks at 50, and now finally 100. I am on zyprexa now 7.5. and zolpidem.

I am slowly coming down. I am still a bit manic and can only sleep 3 or 4 hours at a time.
The meds work.

I am bipolar 1 not 2. So, I have full-blown mania with less depression.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Yep.

I was stable and "high functioning" according to my doctor. I was on 100 lamictal and 100 lexapro and zolpidem for sleep.

I was on vacation and I was eating very healthy. Had very little alcohol, exercising daily, little caffeine, plenty of sleep and in a sunny place.

So I decided I could do it without meds. I went off everything cold turkey. BAD, BAD move.

I had a big manic episode within 2 weeks.

I tried lithium for 1 week, and abilify next. Didn't agree with me.

I am back on lamictal. I had to titrate very slowly. 2 weeks at 25, 2 weeks at 50, and now finally 100. I am on zyprexa now 7.5. and zolpidem.

I am slowly coming down. I am still a bit manic and can only sleep 3 or 4 hours at a time.
The meds work.

I am bipolar 1 not 2. So, I have full-blown mania with less depression.

I'm so glad to hear the meds work - I am looking for some hope to cling to. I'm sorry that you've had the troubles you've suffered, I'm glad you are on something that is helping...though the lack of sleep must be really tough.

Sweety I was born bipolar and very quickly abused as a baby which caused alters to happen in my personality. I was all honors up to high school, but picked on nonstop for being "different". I even did 2 years at a community college. I had promise of a great career, so they kept saying. Then it all fell apart. I wrecked lives from then on because I seethed a hate for society and everyone that has ever bullied me. I turned into a severe addict and alcoholic, going through the moods like a mad person, selling coke to all my friends and enemies. I drifted from bed to bed, state to state dealing with all the wrong people. In and out of jails. I didn't want to look in, I got lost hoping to die from overdose. It was finally at 35 I finally sobered up. It was like waking up from a nightmare. I was still alive, now what do I do? I've been in and out of treatment and hospitals since then. I even got married and have a child. It was at age 43 before I got diagnosed 3 years ago with 1/2 my life in the toilet thanks to MI. But today I'm grateful to know why I behaved in a manic/depressant way. I now finally have hope to a more normal life through treatment that I should of got 35 years ago. I want to make amends to the people in Texas and Arkansas for my erratic behavior. Who knew? I didn't and nobody cared. Even if I have 5 more years left, at least they are going to better than the first 43. I hope that you find your peace with it.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Yep.

I was stable and "high functioning" according to my doctor. I was on 100 lamictal and 100 lexapro and zolpidem for sleep.

I was on vacation and I was eating very healthy. Had very little alcohol, exercising daily, little caffeine, plenty of sleep and in a sunny place.

So I decided I could do it without meds. I went off everything cold turkey. BAD, BAD move.

I had a big manic episode within 2 weeks.

I tried lithium for 1 week, and abilify next. Didn't agree with me.

I am back on lamictal. I had to titrate very slowly. 2 weeks at 25, 2 weeks at 50, and now finally 100. I am on zyprexa now 7.5. and zolpidem.

I am slowly coming down. I am still a bit manic and can only sleep 3 or 4 hours at a time.
The meds work.

I am bipolar 1 not 2. So, I have full-blown mania with less depression.

My second doctor saw me today and confirmed I have Bipolar II. He also put me in lamictal. The side affects look scary - but it sounds like it is working for you? I also have to titrate at the same rate you described.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Sweety I was born bipolar and very quickly abused as a baby which caused alters to happen in my personality. I was all honors up to high school, but picked on nonstop for being "different". I even did 2 years at a community college. I had promise of a great career, so they kept saying. Then it all fell apart. I wrecked lives from then on because I seethed a hate for society and everyone that has ever bullied me. I turned into a severe addict and alcoholic, going through the moods like a mad person, selling coke to all my friends and enemies. I drifted from bed to bed, state to state dealing with all the wrong people. In and out of jails. I didn't want to look in, I got lost hoping to die from overdose. It was finally at 35 I finally sobered up. It was like waking up from a nightmare. I was still alive, now what do I do? I've been in and out of treatment and hospitals since then. I even got married and have a child. It was at age 43 before I got diagnosed 3 years ago with 1/2 my life in the toilet thanks to MI. But today I'm grateful to know why I behaved in a manic/depressant way. I now finally have hope to a more normal life through treatment that I should of got 35 years ago. I want to make amends to the people in Texas and Arkansas for my erratic behavior. Who knew? I didn't and nobody cared. Even if I have 5 more years left, at least they are going to better than the first 43. I hope that you find your peace with it.

That is so rough! What you described about turning to hate and alcohol sounds similar to what I did. I'm no longer drinking, but there's still SO MUCH HATE. Seeing you at peace with it though is a great hope!