so after a 6 week inpatient stay, the transition home has been harder than I'd hoped. Bf was looking after my house and animals but the place is a pigsty and I'd hoped to come home to a clean stress free environment. So now I need to tackle the house chores, rearrange the house to better help my morning routine, start work and clip my horse to get her ready for states, finish my uni assignments, work out problems with my landlord and workplace and get into a healthy routine. I totally overdid it in the weekend so I am exhausted and flat today but have so much to do. I'm trying to tackle it one job at a time and meditation has helped me not get over whelmed but I acknowledge I am already struggling and have come back here for understanding support.

At least the meds are right and although I hate bein on so many at least I am stable and free from ocd and the depths of depression. My bf is very understanding but I don't want to lugg all of the chores on to him.

After 6 wks in a safe cool stable environment it's a shock to the system to come home to the heat and physically I am very weak. Bf says to look after myself but I can't sit in that house when it is such a mess with so much to do. 6 hours to go til he is home from work and I'm able to ask for help with the cleaning. Just feeling like I've failed before I have even had a chance to adjust to outside life.

[Trav1985]

Just a question what shape were you in mentally and emotionally before you became an impatient? How did it help you? I'm feeling incredibly anxious and depressed lately and I feel I need to be in care but I'm not sure how that works

I had plans for Sui and had been sh had constant obsessive Sui and Sh images and thoughts. I got worse before I got better but it just feels like I've come home to the same unhealthy environment. Just had a complete breakdown and the ocd came back in full force. I've meditated, done some colouring and craft, mindful activities, used breathing techniques now I am out trying to distract myself from my disaster of a house. I got halfway through rearranging and realised how weak I was physically when I broke down again. I can't even handle making my own lunch. My bf had promised he would support me and help me but so far it's almost exactly how it was before which is not helpful at all.

The nurses would give me prn in the state I'm in now but if I take it there is no way anything will get done. I just can't stop crying and dismiss the ocd urges. But if I act on them I'll be in so much trouble.

[Raindropvampire]

Do you have any other support system than your BF? Can you afford to have someone come in and clean for you? I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now. It sounds like you are doing all the right things you just need more external help than you are getting. It's hard to come from a nice cool controlled environment back to lists and lists of things that need to be done. I would feel extremely overwhelmed in your shoes even if I broke the chores up into bits.

I don't know about you but my mind always wants to wander ahead to what I haven't accomplished and how far I still have to go. So even when I break chores up into steps my mind looks at how many steps there are and how tired I am now....it's just a mess.

IF you need the PRN take it. Right now it sounds like you need rest. Please be gentle with yourself.

Thanks for the response. Definitely cannot afford a cleaner and all my supports work full time so they are all at work for another 3 hours. Just can't stop crying now and I keep blacking out. I can't even get to the bed or the toilet because of my attempt to rearrange. I don't want to text my supports as there is nothing they can do from work. Might call a crisis line and see if that calms me any.

[Raindropvampire]

There might not be anything that they could physically do but they could listen maybe talk you through right now. Could you make it the couch or a chair and try to nap for three hours? I'm at work right now myself but I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

I called the crisis line and they said to take the meds. so I took my lowest dose possible of PRN 2.5 mg of lorazepam that usually never even takes the edge off, but I wanted to get something achieved today besides mindless activities. I didnt want to knock myself out because then the rest of the cleaning and rearranging will be left soley to my bf who already kicks up a stink about doing that kind of stuff. If he had just had the house clean for me it would have taken a huge load off but there is broken glass on the floor, mountains of dishes, mountains of clothes and in my attempt to rearrange I cant get to the bed or toilet. My couch is the most uncomfortable tiny two seater there is and I cant sit on the floor because of the broken glass. I guess I just wait and see if these meds do anything at all (unlikely cos they never did in hospital and I had support in there). My internet is barely working so I cant distract myself with silly picture or forums. I would colour in but all the craft stuff is in another huge pile that makes me cry just looking at it. My head is killing me from crying so much and I am so hungry but there are no clean dishes or any food to eat that doesnt involve holding a knife which I dont feel safe to do right now. I have to go food shopping and a whole lot of other every day things but it just feels too much and I wish the wardrobes Im trying to move would fall on my head and break my neck, accidental sui so no one gets mad. Guess I better find something to do to keep me occupied. This is not how I wanted my homecoming to be.

[Raindropvampire]

You are absolutely right he should have had the house clean for you when you got home. Given you a clean slate to start with so you could focus on you and establishing a routine. Most people are still fragile when they first come home. What you came home to definitely wasn't fair.

Do you have a telly maybe kill some time with a movie? I don't know if this is something you can do but when my aunt went inpatient last time we had a housecleaning party for her. Like 10 of her friends and family trooped to her house and let her tell us what she needed done and how she wanted it done(she's pretty nitpicky). We knew her kids and husband weren't going to do squat for her(it's why she went inpatient) and it sounds like you came home to the same crap she did only she didn't have broken glass. My uncle actually started buying him and the kids new underwear/socks/clothes rather than do laundry. Once they had used all the dishes he bought paper plates and all they ate was take out. It was ridiculous.

I hope you have people that can do the same for you. We ordered a pizza and made it a party. We did races for folding clothes and doing dishes. Made little paper trophies to give out for "winning". I know it sounds stupid but we had fun.

Thanks for the idea, I put a call out on fb for some help. Even if someone could help me with the grocery shopping, or stand with me while I clip my horse, or even just come and have a chat it would help. I am very isolated in this house so far from everything and everyone. Thankyou for your support. The lorazepam has stopped the annoying crying and I think having someone care (like you) has been a big help - so thankyou.

I managed to move the wardrobe so I can get to the bed and the bathroom now (kinda a necessity). Now I will try and find something mindful to pass the time until my bf gets home from work.

Million times better today. Things are looking up and going well again. Got a bit achieved today, more to go but one step at a time.

[Raindropvampire]

Glad you are doing better today. I had my fingers crossed for you

Just catching up (sister came into town tonight for the start of a visit) and wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Glad to hear things are looking up Hoping that will continue for you.

Thanks guys

I had plans of easter shopping today but that might be a bit of an ask to go to the busy shops on my own so my mum is helping me tomorrow.

Im trying to conserve my energy so I can ride my horse this afternoon. Shes looking good but I have a bit of work to do on myself.

So planning on watching Doctor who, doing some cross stitch and playing my board games, plus meditation and the rest.

Everyone that said they would give me a hand on facebook has pulled out, but I shouldnt have expected otherwise.

Still having massive problems with work and my relationship with my landlord and neighbour. Not sure how to address that stuff really, we've both been hurt, I admit I have been blunt but never untruthful or purposely hurtful. We had a chat yesterday but I dont think much is resolved. Im wondering if I just suck it up and take the blame (as I usually do) to calm the waters, even though I am not to blame.