I'm bipolar...

So, last night I was feeling down but super awake. .My thoughts were racing, yet again... I couldn't sleep all night. I was recently dx'd for the second time. I feel I was in denial the first time as I have always been a high acheiver. But recently, I have been fired from my job due to excessive absences (I just didn't want to get out of bed sometimes and no one understood), and also bc I decided to go on a bender with my employees present. I was feeling great and invinsible. My pdoc says that I was self medicating...

Anyhow, back on topic... my head is everywhere...

I decided to call my best friend last night bc I was afraid of losing grip over my sadness. I feel like I should disappear or not exist anymore. Well, I ended up telling her my "secret" and how it was affecting my current mental state. She freaked out on me... she went as far as saying that I need to give my daughter up and that she doesn't want to have me around her kids. I'm her one of her children's godmother and she is my daughter's god mother. It was so bizarre. We have been besties since 7th grade. I'm 28 now. I don't understand how someone could turn their back on their back on me so flippantly. I have bee there for her through all of her "issues" even when most of them are self inflicted.

So, now I haven't slept and I'm dwelling over the fact that my illness makes me some sort of piriah. I really want to disappear now.

I have been on my meds for a few weeks, but I don't think my lamictal has ramped up to a good dosage to stabilize my moods... how long does that take?

Plus, I feel extra crazy because I left my doctors office with 8 freaking prescriptions... that really put a damper on my psyche...

I just feel like I needed to put my feelings out there I know most of ya'll will understand me as I have been a close observer of most of the threads here .

Also, I have an appointment today to see how I'm doing on my meds... I'm thinking about asking about an anxiety med to help me chill out. Any suggestions that would work well with my current collection would be awesome input.

I'm glad that you have an appointment today. Maybe the doctor can suggest something. I take klonopin for anxiety but there are many meds out there that help.

I'm sorry that your friend had such an adverse reaction. Give her time to accept what you have told her. I'm sure that she will return to being supportive once the shock has worn off. We've had a lot of bad press so people jump to conclusions, when they should just listen.

Welcome to PC! I'm sorry Hun, some people just don't get it out of sheer stupidity thru ignorance. Generally the therapeutic dose for Lamictal is about 200mg. But for me it took 300mg. It's different for everyone. Once you hit it you'll know. Good luck sweety and please hang in there!

I noticed you are taking Adderall twice a day. I wonder if that's making it difficult to sleep?
I guess if a doctor told you have ADHD, then you probably do. But keep in mind that bipolar mimics ADHD so much that it's difficult for doctors to even tell the difference sometimes.

Sorry about your "friend". That's just wrong. Take care.

Oh, I have adhd since I was a child... before I can remember in all honesty. I never had an issue sleeping on it. I normally slept well until middle/high school, where I would go on no sleep binges. I have always loved the quiet the night brings. I would stay up all night painting or reading, then go to school (graduated 9th in my class) and I was a 4 sport varsity letterman who went on to play in college and I RARELY EVER FELT TIRED!! It was amazing... my family and I just figured it was bc I was so busy and had a lot on my plate that my adhd meds weren't overcoming the rapid thoughts... I was always a worrier and overachiever. I'm hindsight, that was a prolonged manic phase.

I'm actually at the doc right now. I'm hopefully going to get some anxiety meds. My heart rate is 130... I'm sure my sleeping issues lately is anxiety related (fingers crossed) as I have hard time accepting a bipolar diagnosis.

Thank you guys so much for your encouraging words and advice.

Im sorry about your friend. Maybe you can recommend some websites to educate her after things have calmed down. Stigma sucks. I'm on 400 mg of Lamictal. For anxiety I take Xanax ER and Propranolol in the morning and at night. I also take Seroquel, which is an anti-psychotic that knocks you out so my mind can shut down so I can get some sleep. I also have OCD and GAD so I understand the anxiety and racing thoughts. Unfortunately Seroquel it can cause weight gain, and for me it has caused me to be pre-diabetic and high triglycerides. For those reasons I'm trying to see if I can come off of it right now with the assistance of my pdoc. So it's not the best but as a last resort for me it helped. I hope it works out.

The whole godmother situation just shows how little some people know about mental illness and how little they understand and how unempathetic they can be. I hope your bestie comes around. Maybe once you get more of a handle on your diagnosis you can point your friend to some helpful information or some first hand accounts of what bipolar is really about so she can understand better. If your friend is into reading or willing to read one book a lot of people point loved ones to to help them understand bipolar better is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's a good read, and it has a good perspective on how bipolar works and how a person can cope and still live a productive life despite the highs and lows, and even highlights the positives, like the creativity. I had my mom read that book when I finished it after I got diagnosed and it helped her understand that it's not just rapid mood swings and suicidality and craziness and anger like most people think.

Some people close to us will never understand what it is to be bipolar and that's OK. My family has been generally supportive but we will get people here and there who challenge us. For example, my brother in law thinks I need to "man up" to overcome my bipolar challenges.

Don't be offended - some people just aren't going to get it. I have been very careful who I tell outside of my family. Only one friend knows and he's bipolar too! I know for a fact that most of my other friends will laugh or tell me to "relax" or "drink more beer". That is disappointing to me because keeping it a secret can be damaging too but I'm OK with it. People get caught up in their own lives and instead of reaching out, they lash out.

I probably lived for almost 25 years bipolar and never knew it. I consider knowing a blessing because I can make the changes I need to make to be happier. For me, I discovered that routine is very important. I have an awful job which has no predictability so I know that needs to be changed. Finding a nice comfortable groove will help. I also need to work on getting more sleep - I've averaged 4 or 5 hours a night for probably 15 years or more. My mind still races and I have all sorts of things happening in my life right now but I am just trying to let life come to me.

So all ~14 Million BP's in the USA should give up their kids?

Please.

She has no idea what she is talking about. Maybe she is the one in a mood.

I totally hear ya on the routine and job unpredictability thing... I'm a bartender with a young child. I work until the wee hours in the morning and don't get home til 4 some nights. Then, I have to make sure I get my kiddo up and ready for school starting at 7, so on some days I'm afraid to take my "night time" meds bc I don't necessarily have a night time. My doctor has no real suggestions for me to overcome this problem either other than finding another job. But, I haven't necessarily functioned well in recent history in my positions of authority considering my current state of mental health.

Talk about a catch 22.

Hey I am soooo sorry about your friend. That is heart breaking. I have been through best friend issues different from yours but it is so painful. I hope things are getting better.

150 of Lami did it for me and I started to feel better around 80.

That's just dangerously stupid. Holidays must be fun.

I just wanted to say - hang in there.

Yeah Lamictal took a few weeks to reach any kind of stability with me.

Let us know how you go.