Its never going to get better, is it?

Sending good thoughts your way, Supanova
(Not entirely coherent -- trying to read posts is like eyes (or yeyes as originally written) jumping across disconnected words -- or I'd write more. But for now…

So the 6th person this week who said they would be out to see me didnt show... 6 people in one week who said they'd come out to see me and help me with things... 6 people. I must be a terrible person for all 6 to cancel, only 2 let me know they wern't coming. All my support has come from my bf and best mate alone.

Someone started a mental health post on fb and I commented, now no one is commenting after me after 8 hours. I must have overshared. Or they dont believe me that mental illness is just as much physical, that there are physical changes in my brain from it. Its a brain illness not a "mind" illness. They all seem to think its a matter of strength.

Am I wrong?

"Idk, maybe I'm strange, but I don't think there's anything to get better from, you find out you have this, and you have this.... After all there is no cure, only management."

Wise Trippin. Very wise.

"If you want me to be honest, with bipolar you live for today. The downs we feel tomrrow, will be felt again. It's an illness and it goes up then comes back down. "

Yes! SunnyHunny!

((((Supanova))))

OMG I have been EXACTLY where you are and said and did the same stuff. Oh honey. It sucks so bad. I am so sorry you are here. **** the normal people who don't get it and even worse the ones who think they do. You are totally right it is a brain illness not a mind illness. Very wise. And **** the people who say they'll help and then don't. They never get it. You have us. You have this place. Come here and stay here until this passes. Stop thinking about all those people letting you down. I have BEEN there. It just keeps it going. I know you say you aren't depressed but this is BIPOLAR at its most bipolarness. I was severely triggered by journals. It was awful. Not quite in the same way. **** made me cray manic or exacerbated it or whatever and I became obsessed with my old college life. Sigh.

I am sooooo impressed by you. You are amazing. You are fighting soooo hard and it is inspiring to me and it brings tears to my eyes. I know when I get to this place again I will think of this thread and you and how you fought it and will make me stronger. Thanks for putting it all out here and letting us share.

Oh and I totally started smoking during my last episode. And I didn't do it because I liked it. I did it because I wanted to ya know. It was a silent invisible thing I could do to myself. Sigh.

Hang in there. You can do it. For real. And we don't say that as friends or family or therapists. We say that as your tribe. As people who have been cut from the same cloth. As people who have walked these same tightropes of hell. And unlike those other losers we KNOW it isnt ****ing easy. In fact it feels pretty damn impossible. And that's what makes us so badass. We do the impossible.

You're one of us and you can survive this.

The most dangerous thought for us is the one that tells us that the good days aren't worth the pain of the bad days. But that isn't true. Life is worth it. Love it worth it. French fries are worth it. And we have to hold on to that. We have to because we have to because we have to. And that is just our golden rule.

You seem like you are doing everything right. Damage control this. Circle your own wagons. Do whatever it takes. Lie on your bathroom floor in the dark with your iPod in your ears with a good song on repeat. Um or maybe that's just me.

Fight it!!! Keep going! Keep yourself safe. And keep talking to us. We're here.

I've been there too and feel the way some posters said, that you have this and you don't get over it, just manage it. That is a depressing statement. Sometimes I get tired of "managing" it. It does plenty of managing me. I just realized that I'm writing about it as if it weren't me or part of me. It is it! I wonder what that means, guess I havent "accepted" my situation yet. Bla, bla, bla! Sorry to be so down, but i am honestly here today. Other days are better, and I remember those and wait for the pendulum to swing.

It can get a lot worse... set expectations accordingly.

Thankyou to those who have been supportive. Thought I'd update you a bit on whats been going on as I know some worry and like to know how I am.

I had a full on weekend with another two full on weekends to come (intensive course for my future "dream" job).

I was in a good mood yesterday.. I think partially cos I halved my clonazepam dose in the morning so had more energy, I had a good sleep the night before and I was very pleased with how well my bf and I had done at the state horse show on the weekend. I should still be elated about the show, despite my long time off riding we came away with reserve STATE CHAMPION beating out some really lovely younger horses. But all I am today is tired and very stiff and sore. I need to spend some time with the horse, a ride today would be lovely but honestly I dont think my body would cope. (One of the side effects of my meds is weakness of the legs, and when I skipped some doses last week due to being too lazy/unsafe to drive to the chemist, the side effects came back. It'll pass again but until then my legs are pretty useless)

Work has been a pain in the a*se, I dont know what to do about all that... there are horses being neglected and horses underweight and a heap of rule changes about who can do what when it all used to be so simple. I just want to stay out of it but I need to do this course over the next two weekends and then see where I stand.

I think I am safe to keep my home as long as I keep up with the rent payments but I really really need to clean up a bit more incase the landlord turns up cos if they saw the house in the state it is now I would probably be evicted, and that means homelessness for me and my horse. So that is weighing on my mind.

Its morning here and my first day without cigarettes (I can not justify spending the money on them when I am not getting paid for work). I think it is time for a coffee and set up a list of things I could try to do today to get through. I wont see my bf again now for a few days and Im scared to have anyone over to my place incase my landlord gets mad. So I will be turning to online support to get me through.

TL: DR should be happy, but instead drained. Need to clean the house but just coping a minute at a time. Not in the depths of depression I was but still lower than anyone would like to be. More apathy than darkness. Thankyou to all for the support.