[Turtlesoup]

My first marriage-which was a long train wreck-was riddled with codependency. Their is a lot of that in my family history. When I started my relationship with my current husband 9 years ago I was feeling very empowered & in control but funny I was also very manic for a long period of time. In talking with my therapist I am admitting that I have very similar feelings of codependency with my current husband (with me being the one to make all the decisions, take care of things etc.) & the couple of times I left for short visits back to my family he could not function-at all. This is freaking me out-I just looked at the "are you in a codependent relationship" on here & like 10 out of 13 things applied to us-you only need one. I also have looked into dependent personality disorder & think my husband may have this. He is terrified of failure & making even simple decisions-& I feel like I'm the one with all the mental illness I should not have to be responsible for every freaking thing. Anyway just wanted to toss this out here & see if anyone else can relate.

[Sunnyhunny00]

When it came to any decision making. It was all on me. If I didn't plan the birthdays, Christmas, dinners, grocery list, presents and all else in between; it never would get done. Litterally, everything had to be brought up, decided on and planned by me without even a thought or opinion from him.

What changed it?

First, sitting him down and addressing the problem with FACT. No blaming, but pure fact. I do this this this and that. Next time I'd like it if you'd do this this and that.

Finally, the extremely difficult and strong willpower to step back and NOT cover his short comings. Stop making the plans, stop cooking the dinners, stop all of it.

Trust me...that's HARD! Plus, you miss A LOT of important appointments and other responsibilities but that's what it took.

When he started to even barley become involved, I'd praise him. Tell him I thought it was sexy he was doing..blank blank blank ect..

I still do the blunt of it. However, it's a work in progress that will take a lot of time and understanding. He has been cooking dinner these last few days he's been home. Doing the dishes and picking up around the house. I'll have him schedule the next Dr. apt when it's needed.

The biggest impact to help change this behavior is you stepping down from the plate and allowing the stress to become his problem.

He may not notice it until you bring it up on occasion.

"Sweetie, you never made a grocery list. We won't go grocery shopping until you do that." STICK TO IT!

"Honey, Billys birthday is coming up. He'll be really sad if he doesn't have any gift. You need to buy him things."
---As hard as it will be for you...you can not step up.

These are just examples but I'm sure you get the idea here.

[Sunnyhunny00]

A hard thing to accept is that WE are to blame as well. Not just them.
We allowed ourselves to make up for what they didn't do and continued this behavior until it became accustomed.

They lack that responsibility because we habitually did it all ourselves, when we should have brought it up and had them take half the responsibility like they should.

It's similar to raising a child. Praise for every little thing they do begin to take part in, and discipline for their irresponsibility. The discipline is refusing to make up for their short comings and allow the consequence for their lack of planning and decision making to be put upon them.

"I asked you to decide on a date for this party. Have you decided?" "No." "Well, you need to tell our son that you have not thought about the date yet, and that his party will now be held back."

"Did you finance the money to buy a new washer like I asked?" No "Well, now we don't have a washer to wash the clothes. You will need to take them to the laundry mat."

If he doesn't, force yourself to allow the clothes to pile and pile until he finally does.

These are very vague examples but it's showing you what I mean by consequence being a discipline when they don't do what has become expected of them.

[mtnannie]

Originally Posted by Sunnyhunny00

it came to any decision making. It was all on me. If I didn't plan the birthdays, Christmas, dinners, grocery list, presents and all else in between; it never would get done. Litterally, everything had to be brought up, decided on and planned by me without even a thought or opinion from him.

What changed it?

First, sitting him down and addressing the problem with FACT. No blaming, but pure fact. I do this this this and that. Next time I'd like it if you'd do this this and that.

Finally, the extremely difficult and strong willpower to step back and NOT cover his short comings. Stop making the plans, stop cooking the dinners, stop all of it.

Trust me...that's HARD! Plus, you miss A LOT of important appointments and other responsibilities but that's what it took.

When he started to even barley become involved, I'd praise him. Tell him I thought it was sexy he was doing..blank blank blank ect..

I still do the blunt of it. However, it's a work in progress that will take a lot of time and understanding. He has been cooking dinner these last few days he's been home. Doing the dishes and picking up around the house. I'll have him schedule the next Dr. apt when it's needed.

The biggest impact to help change this behavior is you stepping down from the plate and allowing the stress to become his problem.

He may not notice it until you bring it up on occasion.

"Sweetie, you never made a grocery list. We won't go grocery shopping until you do that." STICK TO IT!

"Honey, Billys birthday is coming up. He'll be really sad if he doesn't have any gift. You need to buy him things."
---As hard as it will be for you...you can not step up.

These are just examples but I'm sure you get the idea here.

When i sat my partner down and factually listed all the things i did and asked him to step up, he said "sorry, i'd never be in your shoes". I suddenly found the door out of that relationship.

[Sunnyhunny00]

Originally Posted by mtnannie

When i sat my partner down and factually listed all the things i did and asked him to step up, he said "sorry, i'd never be in your shoes". I suddenly found the door out of that relationship.

Oh wow. If my fiancee said that, he'd be finding out very quickly that he's either gonna step up otherwise everything around him will begin to fall apart. That's ridiculous. Good for you!!!

[Turtlesoup]

The funny thing is I could see all this in my first marriage but my T has pointed out that I still have this going on-I get that we both share this issue it's just wow I didn't see it this time-the details & situations are different but the end game is the same. It's so hard to break out of these habits & traits-my current hubby is great as far as affection & helping out it's just any decision making-on me. Organizing of events-on me. Thanks for the support-I know I have to break out of the habit of saving him on every little issue it's just idk frustrating to see I still have this going on with all my other stuff-sucks. Something else to work on with my T.

[wiretwister]

I have no defence except my lack of self esteam ,, I have never felt I could do anything as well as others.. so why try..

[Sunnyhunny00]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I have no defence except my lack of self esteam ,, I have never felt I could do anything as well as others.. so why try..

If you have someone there supporting you and prausing you for your efforts, your self confidence tends to get better slowly. It's defiantly a team effort. I'm sorry you feel that way.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by Sunnyhunny00

If you have someone there supporting you and prausing you for your efforts, your self confidence tends to get better slowly. It's defiantly a team effort. I'm sorry you feel that way.

that's why I have always thrown myself into my work,, I get respect for my effort there.. and that is why when I failed at work it sent me ip,, as I had nothing anymore..thankfully I have slowly built my work back up...

I have always done everything. It is just my personality. I am high-strung- possibly due to years of not knowing I was bipolar. I go, go, go and then crash and burn.