That lonely messed up rambling thing

You know. I just like feel all Blah. I feel like calling a friend and spewing words about how crazy I feel etc and say things like I hate my life but I don't hate my life. I love my life but I just feel dread about having to get up and do tomorrow and then they can feel all like oh here we go again. Etc.

But guys I just feel down. I've been a little bit up a little bit down a little bit up pretty down really up a little down etc since my third trimester. But it is not unlike how I usually am. But it is. It is hard in one state to know and remember for sure what it all is really like. Is my normal stable or is this my normal just a little up and down. Seems a little more than my stable. I think right now I feel pretty down. But yesterday I felt pretty happy in the morning. Maybe I will be happy tonight and this post will be a moot post except it's not because this is Bipolar. See I am a stay at home mom with three kids under six and it is HARD. And I cant tell if I am exhausted and everything seems so hard because I am depressed or because I am actually really exhausted and it is extremely hard for me to do anything with them. Everything from just getting downstairs in the morning to making snacks for everybody to leaving the house for any reason to just reading a book to everybody is insanely frustrating and difficult. I long for the day when they are all happily grown and when I feel depressed I can just lie the **** down!

Ugh. I'm just Blah. I love my life. I am SO blessed. I am SOOO grateful I get to stay home with my kids. But it is so hard. And I feel down.

Right now I'm taking a "break". I still have my baby with me. I had fun plans in the store but I somehow can't dig up the energy to get out of the car.

Okay. I'm getting out of the car now.

Or maybe it is better for me to just relish this time of baby being asleep in here and nobody whining at me.

But maybe I should go be somewhere with people instead of sitting here feeling down and writing about it

Or maybe I need to indulge the mood a bit while I'm alone

Probably I just need to stop thinking so much and just do what I want to do

What is that?

Follow my gut

Ummmmm

I want to go get this yummy bread

But what if there is an incident of violence in the store and I regret going. I can see it on the news..

But that won't happen. Those things don'the happen

But what if they did.

Now I'm all worked up.

I want to call someone and spew my crazy.

I want to keep my crazy to myself.

I should just get out.....

And this is how I get paralyzed.... Any body else do this

I used to do stuff like that, the overthinking about what might happen. I wonder if it's part of having kids? My daughter is now in her 30's so although I worry in general it no long paralyzes me. 3, I can't imagine 3. You are one strong person. Don't let a little crazy stop you. Go get that yummy bread!

Spew here. I'll listen (and so will others.)

I stayed home with my two children (both safely grown up now.) It can seem like a desert, with toys all over the landscape instead of cactus plants.

You sound like me when my son was little. I only had one to take care of though. Hang in there. They do get older

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes a desert with cactus toys!

They didn't have the bread. Shrug.