[cashart10]

How much fun is that??!! I'm probably wearing you all out with all the redundancy over all of this but I am seriously over it myself. So far, as some of you know, I have spent over $700 in the last 3 - 4 weeks on clothing, shoes, and accessories. Sounds fantastic, except we have no money. I almost bought a $320 hat the other day. What the hell am I going to do with a $320 hat??? I opened up a store credit card with paperless billing so my husband wouldn't find out. I can pay at the store in cash, YAY me! The rest has been on ebay, which my husband knows about (and is understandably upset about). I am waiting for him to notice the astronomical amount of new things I have acquired. I even bought 3 pairs of identical earrings that I really like "in case" something happens to the others. I keep telling my husband I just "NEED" this one more thing. I totaled my spending yesterday and was astounded. Will it keep me from spending? Well, I still bought the sandals I have been wanting yesterday. Christina calls it "retail therapy," but trust me, most reason is out the window. She also told me to return everything but I simply can't do it. My mind is racing. My sleep is insane. I have been going a couple of days with no sleep and then crashing and sleeping for 15 or more hours (with my toddler running around) the next day or two and them the cycle repeats. Anyone else ever experience this? I am running lists like no tomorrow. I switch from the world's greatest mom to the world's greatest witch. And, I think the greatest part of all of this is that I still feel despair; I'm still destructively depressed. My doctor is making some experimental med changes, of which I am uncertain about, and he tells me that I will finally find stability when my sleep, which is always some kind of wreck, is normal. I'm fairly sure that I'm going for a second opinion despite lack of approval from my husband or mom but that is going to cost $225 (unless I decide on a nurse practitioner which my mother is adamantly against) because there are no good doctors in my network. UGH! What do you guys think?

P.S. My meds clearly aren't working so changes are in order but in my dream world minimizing rather than maximizing (as my doctor is doing) will be key to stability.

[healingme4me]

Is the second opinion because of the meds or because it's said you'll have more stability when your sleep patterns normalize?

I hope you don't take this wrong, but bringing financial damage to your family under the label of mania, when returning for your money back could rectify the situation isn't taking accountability aka personal responsibility. What really drives these 'wants'?

[Daenerys001]

cashart- I feel you. Been there, done that. But please get help NOW. Call up that doc of yours and tell him that you need something right away to calm you down. This is just my opinion, mind you, I am NOT a professional. But if you let this mania go unchecked, it could hurt more than just you.

Overspending is classic mania behavior. You're not a bad person, you just need help to stop, as I did.

I also have a young child so I understand all around where you are. May I ask how long you've been dignosed?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Is the second opinion because of the meds or because it's said you'll have more stability when your sleep patterns normalize?

I hope you don't take this wrong, but bringing financial damage to your family under the label of mania, when returning for your money back could rectify the situation isn't taking accountability aka personal responsibility. What really drives these 'wants'?

The second opinion is because of the very experimental med changes. For instance, he is increasing my Lamictal from 400 MG to 800 MG when the only FDA studies for Lamictal in Bipolar Disorder have been at 400 MG. He has also added an antidepressant and a stimulant when I struggle with mania and mixed episodes. Despite my symptoms, which I told him about, he increased my Vyvanse (stimulant) from 35 MG to 50 MG. I am taking it because frankly, being up and moving and depressed is much more productive and conducive to my relationship than laying my butt on the couch ALL DAY LONG!

I rarely take constructive criticism the wrong way and I honestly agree with you. Maybe I can do it and when I am over this I will??? I am like a child with candy. I can't give it up. I am attached. I need this stuff. I need to be dressed up. I need to look nice. I need to look expensive, to look extravagant. When I look at all this stuff, I can't find one thing I can return.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's good you are honest with yourself. (And that you avoided the $320 hat. What IS a $320 hat anyway? ). But I think there are probably more productive ways to feel good about yourself. I used to like to wear scrubs because I felt like I was hidden away in a uniform and it protected me from people knowing anything was wrong with me. Does looking nice and having expensive items do that for you? Because really it isn't the clothes that tell the world much about you.

I can speak for nobody but myself of course but there have been a few times we have gotten my sleep stabilized. For me that has only a partial effect on the rest. If I'm sleeping well it is likely that there are depressive symptoms poking through somewhere. But for me it is always like trying to plug a whole in a crumbling dam with a finger; you run out of fingers quickly.

I think the problem with adding med after med is that eventually you get so many that it's impossible to know what is doing what. That's especially true when they are all changed at once. I'm on a bunch of meds but each was added months from the others and dosage changes are always done 1 per month unless something goes very wrong. So we know pretty well that 400 mg of neurontin helped me when I reached that dose and because I was a disaster on regular doses of neurontin (I think I was on 600 mg 3x/day) and wasn't ok until the dose went below 600/day (and we have tried increasing to 500 mg without success a year after I was stable on 400) so we know that 400 is the dose for me. I just don't understand how it is possible to know what is making you manic/mixed when so many stimulants are being increased at once, just like I would be very upset if all the sedating meds I take were increased at once.

I'm actually going to have blood drawn for a clinical trial next week that is trying to find how people metabolize meds and determine how to predict that so they eventually may be able to use that information to choose meds instead of the guessing game it is now. My psychiatrist is really eager to get the results and see what my levels are doing. Is my seroquel sky high like one would expect? Is topamax which I take at a very low dose because I couldn't tolerate more but it does seem to have an impact doing anything at all? Etc. So someday there will be a better way to manage this, hopefully, but for now I don't see any way to understand how meds affect someone that isn't one step at a time and only going over FDA recommendations if there is a very clear rataionale. And if it isn't helping you and your behavior is very manic, like with the spending, then doesn't that say a lot about how it is all working now?

I just know if I were in your shoes with the meds I'd be very unhappy and very much wanting someone else to at least look at the meds and see if they have suggestions.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Daenerys001

cashart- I feel you. Been there, done that. But please get help NOW. Call up that doc of yours and tell him that you need something right away to calm you down. This is just my opinion, mind you, I am NOT a professional. But if you let this mania go unchecked, it could hurt more than just you.

Overspending is classic mania behavior. You're not a bad person, you just need help to stop, as I did.

I also have a young child so I understand all around where you are. May I ask how long you've been dignosed?

Thank you Daenery! The experimental med changes my doctor is toying with are supposed to be my "help". So far, it's not pawning out. I was diagnosed at 15 (almost 17 years ago) but I didn't accept my diagnosis until I had a psychotic break 3 years ago. 2 years ago I went back to a pdoc and got back on meds. Since then, nothing has worked and my moods have been all over the place.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by JustMeJen5294

It's good you are honest with yourself. (And that you avoided the $320 hat. What IS a $320 hat anyway? ). But I think there are probably more productive ways to feel good about yourself. I used to like to wear scrubs because I felt like I was hidden away in a uniform and it protected me from people knowing anything was wrong with me. Does looking nice and having expensive items do that for you? Because really it isn't the clothes that tell the world much about you.

I can speak for nobody but myself of course but there have been a few times we have gotten my sleep stabilized. For me that has only a partial effect on the rest. If I'm sleeping well it is likely that there are depressive symptoms poking through somewhere. But for me it is always like trying to plug a whole in a crumbling dam with a finger; you run out of fingers quickly.

I think the problem with adding med after med is that eventually you get so many that it's impossible to know what is doing what. That's especially true when they are all changed at once. I'm on a bunch of meds but each was added months from the others and dosage changes are always done 1 per month unless something goes very wrong. So we know pretty well that 400 mg of neurontin helped me when I reached that dose and because I was a disaster on regular doses of neurontin (I think I was on 600 mg 3x/day) and wasn't ok until the dose went below 600/day (and we have tried increasing to 500 mg without success a year after I was stable on 400) so we know that 400 is the dose for me. I just don't understand how it is possible to know what is making you manic/mixed when so many stimulants are being increased at once, just like I would be very upset if all the sedating meds I take were increased at once.

I'm actually going to have blood drawn for a clinical trial next week that is trying to find how people metabolize meds and determine how to predict that so they eventually may be able to use that information to choose meds instead of the guessing game it is now. My psychiatrist is really eager to get the results and see what my levels are doing. Is my seroquel sky high like one would expect? Is topamax which I take at a very low dose because I couldn't tolerate more but it does seem to have an impact doing anything at all? Etc. So someday there will be a better way to manage this, hopefully, but for now I don't see any way to understand how meds affect someone that isn't one step at a time and only going over FDA recommendations if there is a very clear rataionale. And if it isn't helping you and your behavior is very manic, like with the spending, then doesn't that say a lot about how it is all working now?

I just know if I were in your shoes with the meds I'd be very unhappy and very much wanting someone else to at least look at the meds and see if they have suggestions.

Thank you Jen. As usual, you are awesome. Yes, I do think that having expensive things is doing for me currently what your scrubs did for you. But usually, I could care less. I have been (mostly) depressed for the last 2 years. I have been glued to the couch without showers for days at a time, no makeup, a uniform of workout clothes (minus the fit figure I used to have) and t shirts, half the time my teeth weren't even brushed. If I bought clothes I bought them at Walmart or Target instead of the branded stores I used to shop in (that I'm shopping in again without a reasonable budget). I think part of it, for me, is rebelling against the person who has laid around all day and who also is making up for lost time. The stimulant really has, at least, gotten my butt off the couch.

I agree with what you are saying about the experimental meds. I, too, think a second opinion (like we have discussed) is more than warranted. I am going to get one soon. I just have to decide who should do it. My insurance makes everything complicated. I will let you guys know when I figure it out.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I do agree that having clothes that fit and are nicer looking helps. Last fall I decided that while I still had to wear sneakers all the time because of my ankle reconstruction surgery I was going to wear blouses when I went out and fix my hair consistently when I was going out (it's very curly and requires taming or I look like Einstein with a lot more hair). And that did make me feel better than always going to therapy in jeans and a sweatshirt. I have a collection of workout clothes that mainly were bought for hospitalizations (no drawstrings etc) but they fit 30 lbs ago and I still wear them around the house. I've gotten really self-conscious wearing them even to walk the dogs and so I'm really glad it is finally shorts weather and I hope that by fall I either fit those pants or can get rid of them. It's so hard when your weight fluctuates with meds; I have 3 different sizes of clothes in bins in my garage. And if I don't get off this much Seroquel soon there will be more which is weird since I have little appetite with this stuff. Yet it is obvious if I don't go down on the dose soon I'll be buying new bras because mine no longer fit and they hurt. Meds are so much fun.

Sorry i keep repeating myself about the meds. I"m just incredulous every time I think about what you are on.

Possible trigger:

When I was in college the first AD they tried after I fought against them for a year was paxil which was my first drug allergy of many. So I was put on Zoloft. It was either started or the dose increased just before I went home for Christmas break and it made me manic except that nobody diagnosed the mania because it was also the most awful, traumatic, horrible 3 weeks possible. I was suicidal for the first time and had a phone call with my therapist who bluntly told me exactly what would happen if I swallowed the amount of Zoloft I had. I decided it wasn't worth it if it just would make me sick and land me in an ER drinking charcoal.

But oh Zoloft was awful. Later I was put on Remeron, which was pretty new at the time and the dr hadn't prescribed it before and only one pharmacy had it. It was sedating and so low-dose zoloft was added to help me be awake. It worked fairly well for a while but once I started grad school I went into what I know now was a mixed episode and the zoloft made things worse and I had to stop it. First i stopped Remeron for maing me too sleepy, then I was on trazodone and zoloft and then just ambien. I tried my psychiatrist's patience greatly; he wanted me on meds long-term and I wasn't ready.

But when I hear Zoloft I immediately think of the mania and then the mixed episode later and how messed up that stuff (and all SSRIs) made me. I suppose I'm anti-SSRI even though I know they help people. I just find them scary. Zoloft was nothing compared to Prozac which I think caused akathesia although nobody caught that. It was awful; I couldn't stand my apartment so I would stay at work hanging out on the dementia unit for a few hours since they always needed help then pace Walmart for a few hours every single day. They probably thought I was plotting a mass robbery. It was horrible. And that was my last SSRI ever.

[mom2trips+1]

Hello,
It sounds like you are really have a horrible "mixed episode." With the manic behavior, not sleeping, and depression all at the same time it sounds horrible. I am new to the board and have Bipolar 1, mixed with rapid cycling. In general, it is wise to avoid stimulants such as ADD meds with a history of mania or mixed episodes. They increase your rapid thoughts, cause anxiety, and cause insomnia. In turn, the lack of sleep is contributing to your moods. I definitely think you need a second opinion on your medication.
I really hope you can get some stability soon. You need it, you deserve, and your bank account may need it too!

Mom2trips+1