Oncoming depression.

There were signs. Past couple of days I've been just down feeling. Stopped eating. I don't eat when I'm depressed. Yesterday I think I had a piece of watermelon or something at work and that was all. That's a big red flag.

Now I just want to sleep. Motivation gone. Anxiety intensified.

I'm not fully gripped by it yet I don't think, and I think I may be rapid cycling right now. I hate that.

Triggers: Soon to be in a real doctor limbo land (again) because I don't think my current pnp is going to be able to refer me to anyone because no one is accepting new patients. So I've been really stressing about that. New diagnosis, which is making me feel even more guilt about my daughter because what if she inherits what I have. Seriously, it would be better if I wasn't her mom at all. And I still feel a little shell shocked about the diagnosis thing.

Went to my parents house today. I'm the black sheep of the family. My sister just got this awesome job where she makes a ton of money. I didn't even want to talk about the good things that have happened recently with my writing. I'm just the big fail of the family. My mom asked me twice what was wrong. Second time asked me if I was depressed. And that made me feel worse because I can't talk to my mom about anything. She does not know that I had a serious psychotic break at the end of january or anything. That makes me feel sad, that I can't talk to my mom about things like that.

A religious debate started because my mom asked my husband if he was worried about his soul. I left the conversation. My parents are way religious. Part of the reason why we're not close anymore is because I chose not to follow the christian faith. Big no no in their eyes. I've been told I'm going to hell. My mom prays for us. Which is nice of her.

I've been having some serious suicide ideation lately.

I need to stop this before it becomes even more serious! I know sometimes it can't be stopped. This depression could happen regardless of what I try to do right now. And it'll probably get worse.

Or I really could be rapid cycling and be in happy cloud nine mode three days from now. Who knows.

I don't know. I've written a novel. Thanks for reading.

And if you have any suggestions on how I could prevent this from happening, please share.

Just... the not eating. Not a good sign.

(And I'm on seroquel too. I should be eating an entire buffet. I'm actually, already, losing the weight I gained since starting it.)

Do the exact opposite of what you want to do .. Stick to a very strict schedule,, Stay outta the bed unless its sleep time. Eat well and exercise. Meditation Mindfulness, kick claw and fight like hell to stay positive.

Just fight it

Changing providers is so hard. I've gone out of my way to keep the same ones and travel quite a distance to see both but it's better than changing. I thought I was going to be changing therapists and cried about it for about a year before he changed his life plans and stayed in therapy after all. If he'd gone I would have been hospitalized, I have no doubt.

You have reasons to feel down. Keep reminding yourself of that and that this is not just your mood getting out of control on its' own, you are worried about what is happening and depression is a normal response. You can get through this, you just have to focus on what you can control and try to let go of what you can't control. Do you have a family dr you can ask for a referral from? Sometimes mine is able to get referrals to places that are "full" but he knows the dr and magically a slot appears.

I know what it feels like to be in doctor limbo but at least I have one lined up. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Is there a GP that is well enough familiar with BP who can work with you until you find someone who is accepting new patients?

I am so sorry also that you are feeling down. Can you maybe just say, "yeah, a little" to your mom when she asks if you are depressed? Maybe that would start a small conversation. Or would that be too much? It's sounds like she is a little over the top. I have a close relationship with my mom so it makes me so sad when folks aren't.

As far as advice for keeping the depression as far at bay as possible, listen to Christina! Her ideas are wonderful and will work!

christinas advice is the best and im sorry you are feeling this way

After I was in the hospital last, I was so shell shocked from the entire experience I made an appointment with my GP to make sure there wasn't anything physically wrong with me. I told the nurse I wanted to talk about mental health issues.

When my GP found out I wasn't a depressed person, she kind of freaked and said she needed to get me into psychiatry right away, and she got me an appointment with a psychiatrist really fast, but I decided to stay with the pnp I was seeing (who is now leaving!) because she was in town, and for the other person it was a forty five minute drive.

So, if I don't hear back from my my pnp today or tomorrow, I'm going to call my GP and ask her if she can refer me to that same psychiatrist again, or to someone else.

Unfortunately I can't talk to my mom about feeling depressed. In the past when I tried, I always just got "well, you weren't like that before!", and "the meds you're on are just making it worse! why are you on that stuff? you need to get off of it".

It is sad.

When I had PPD my husband was actually appalled by how my mom and sister didn't take it seriously, even if I was in the hospital because of it. And my mom didn't help at all when I got out of the hospital. It would have been nice to get some help from my mom. If my mother-in-law lived in town I know she would have helped me. His family takes my MI more seriously than my own family! His mom is always telling me that I can call and talk to them whenever I want.

This is all very true. Maybe I'll feel better and relieved once I have an appointment lined up with someone else.

I'm just kind of freaking because my last situation happened when I was in between providers. So obviously being in between people is a trigger for me, except this time it's triggering a depression situation instead of a mania situation. And I'm always more prone to get depressed in the summer.