Bipolar is exhausting

I'm just exhausted by it. I'm not even in a real episode though maybe depression is coming. Who knows. That is what I mean. I feel like it is not just and episodic illness as this forum seems to prove. There is more to it. There is something constant. The battle, the worry, the wondering, the analyzing, the therapy and the appointments and the meds and the constant where am I? Up down all around in out under in between. Bipolar isn't really a good word for it.

Even well I feel exhausted by the daily maintenance and worry of bipolar. The blips and the tears and the lonely black hole pangs and aches. The inability to describe it to others. The isolation of being the only bipolar I know in real life. The fact that loved ones will never understand.

The stress and strain of holding everything together all day all the time and never having a place to collapse, to let go, to be bipolar except for here.

Okay I'm out of time.

I love you guys

Yes. It is totally consuming. It hurts. We can't get out of it no matter what remedy we try. I've been crying tonight because I just feel so hopeless about it all. I just want to be myself yet I'm not fit for this world. sigh...

I agree. Someone with depression in the hospital once asked why I spent so much time thinking about where my mood was and I had to try to explain that it's how I keep healthy although clearly I wasn't doing so well with healthy if I was IP. But if I don't know whee I am I have bad things happen, like being nasty to people who don't deserve it.

Bipolar is a full-time job.

I cannot comment on the strain of Bipolar I, but I can say that I have found that Bipolar II (I experience more depression than anything) can be similarly difficult. I am constantly questioning myself. Is this a hour/day/week or am I slipping again? I have said in the past that sometimes I would rather remain in a low then experience a short relief only for the low to come again. It is easier that way. It is terrible but the depression becomes familiar.
I am not in therapy right now and this is the longest I have been without in ~3yrs. That makes me nervous as well bc I am always thinking about it and if I will be able to do this alone. I have very few friends and no one to talk to. Holding the stress in probably only increases the strain. I have very severe fatigue (to the extent that I take stimulants for it) and I don't know the source. Maybe it is just this illness draining me. Has anyone else experienced such exhaustion that it is difficult to stay awake/do alot during the day?

I feel like you just wrote my biography. The constant worry, analysis, symptoms, self-doubt, guilt, meds, therapy. . . . I related to everything you wrote. Thanks for sharing.

Yes. There is something about the word "forever" that tends to push one into extreme emotional fatigue.

I don't believe there is a real difference in the maintence exhaustion (and many other components of Bipolar 1 or 2. Just a template they try to pull over us. Bipolar is so much more complex than a number 1 or 2. I say this because peocs always puzzle over me for some time trying to give me my number.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

You're welcome! This is my favorite part of this forum. It helps so much to know you're not alone. Thanks! Hugs!

I read somewhere once that bipolar is a disorder of mood AND energy. This was not differentiated into either number so whoever wrote it (someone I believed was trustworthy) didn't think it was a feature of one or the other.

I always liked having that explanation for my fatigue (besides meds and not sleeping of course ).

I also feel like you just wrote exactly how I feel but couldn't put into words. Eg. The analyzing, worry, wondering, constant maintenance of moods, etc. Thank you for sharing. I felt relief when I read it because someone actually understands!!

Totally relate.

Not to mention many of us have other disorders, like anxiety, OCD, PTSD... I have GAD too, and it NEVER goes away.

Yes. Good point!

Couldn't agree more...

It's wonderful to have this site though; I must say. You all brighten my life so much!

I'm crying right now because everything you said says it all. The worry and analyzation. I'm seeing if I can function off of Seroquel and I'm almost off of it and these two months has been this extra worry and analyzation. Will it work, or am I going to break? There's that fear for all of us because of episodes in the past so you are on the constant lookout for any signs. You try to tell yourself don't let this disease consume you but you are reminded repeatedly all day long. You can explain what's going on to close ones but they will never understand so you feel so alone in this world. I get it.

Thinking of you, you aren't alone.

Yes it is invaluable to have this site. It has helped me more than anything else. Except maybe Lamictal.

And following along and holding everyone else in their stories teaches me so much about my own version of this neuroatypicality or "illness"

Hugs!

Isn't it amazing how we don't know each other on here and yet we all know and get each other more than the people who know us in real life.

I hate that we all have to go through it but it means everything to me to get responses like this.

I have dreams of someday trying to do something to be a voice for all of us.

It's nice to be able to come here and know I'll be understood. To be able to share my feelings and have someone say 'i know'. I can try to explain it to family and friends, but they will never get it like you folks do. I can comment on my meds, mood and everything else and know that someone, somewhere will know what I'm on about.

It does make a difference.

I appreciate these "real" descriptions of BP. They're so much better than any book.

Yes! I know. I had the hardest time adjusting to the dx and actually believing it. It is hearing myself in the voices of everyone here that really has taught me what Bipolar is and also that I really do belong here.

I don't find this disease exhausting just yet. I was diagnosed 7 months ago so maybe that's why I'm not able to relate. I'm sorry that you feel this way.